Letter to a Future Boyfriend

June 14, 2010
Dear future boyfriend,

Whoever you are, congratulations on receiving this letter confirming your eligibility as my future boyfriend. Yes, you made the first cut, but for many of you, your next letter will probably begin with “Sorry, you have not been chosen...” If this is indeed the next letter you receive, please regard the disclaimer in bold that reads “NEVER WRITE BACK AGAIN.” Yes, I’m being completely serious. No, I’m not going to give you my “numba” so I recommend that you give up now. Let the elimination rounds begin! First of all, you must not be failing any of your classes. I don’t care if you’re failing chemistry by one point. The answer is still no. Also, no tattoos, earrings, nose rings, or piercing of any other part of your body. I say this as a warning. When you walk up to my house, you’ll be met at the door by my mother, father, and older brother who will have been waiting to interrogate you about police records and such. If you’re expecting me to be a blonde beauty queen in a pink mini skirt and a matching Prada purse, my answer is, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” If you’re looking for a girlfriend who’s an object rather than a human being, you can forget about even reading the rest of this letter. It’s a fruitless effort for you. If you don’t care for people that have a mind, then hang out with all of your brainless friends at school. If you don’t like my attitude, give up now. I assure you: It will not get any better with time.

I’m the girl who doesn’t expect to be called every single night; I’d much rather be called when there is something interesting to talk about rather than having awkward silence or listening to you ramble on about last night’s football game. I don’t like football or baseball or soccer. I just don’t care to fight over a stupid ball. I won’t take you shoe shopping if you won’t make me go to a baseball game. I prefer to be an intellectual rather than cavemen jumping up and down about the discovery of fire. I like to write and express emotions through words and metaphors—and that brings me to another point: If you don’t understand the words I speak, get a dictionary and look them up. It wouldn’t kill you to actually become literate. If you speak in slang or write me in a letter like you would a text message, save you paper and look for a different girl. I’m sorry, but I don’t put up with idiocy. If you forget something important or screw up, remember this: Saying something nice might get you off the hook, but DOING something nice will ALWAYS get you off the hook. I like it if you walked with me, especially when you have to go the other direction.
As for “love”, no matter how many times you say it, it doesn’t “just happen” on the first date. “Love” shouldn’t be used as loosely as it is today. Ok, I love my parents, I love my dog named “Star”, I love fresh-out-of-the-oven cinnamon streusel muffins, and somehow from the bottom of my heart, I love my big bro, but I can’t love someone I haven’t met yet. Love takes time. In saying that, maybe I’ll love you or maybe I won’t. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll understand and I hope you’ll understand. I’m not going to shove an elephant into a briefcase and attempt to make it fit. Life and love should never work that way, and we should never settle for anything less desirable than our hopes and dreams. I want someone special. I want someone who will dote on me, but not become obsessed…someone that will write me terrible poetry and not feel any less masculine for doing so…someone that could waltz with a waterfall’s grace and anticipation and hug like a lonely, loving, silly cat. I hope for the special someone who would kiss me in the rain, fearless of the surrounding storm. I don’t care about taking a million pictures of ourselves and posting them all over Facebook. If you’re the boy that’s late to every date, don’t bother asking me out. The answer’s no. Never ignore me in front of your friends, unless you’d like me to do the same (and I will). If I say I need to study, I’m not lying to you. I’d much rather text you than do the math homework, but it’s the sad reality that I need to do the math more.

If you don’t match the majority of my standards, don’t write back. If you’re going to break up with me through a text message, save your breath for another girl. If you think women are inferior to men, think again. If you think breaking people’s hearts is a sport, then stay away from my friends and me. But if you’re the one, please mark at the top of your letter “First Priority.” I assure you if nobody meets my standards at this moment, I will not change my mind or lower my standards. Someone will come around. ‘Til then, I’ll wait. If you don’t like me the way I am, discontinue the application. I’m content with myself, so don’t try to change me. Love will come. It may not be with you or with the guy next door, but I’m hopelessly optimistic that he’ll send in an application one day.



Join the Discussion

This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

Dutch said...
Aug. 12, 2010 at 9:20 pm
WOW. I can't wait for you to find your Soul Mate!!!!!
taylorf463 said...
Jun. 21, 2010 at 10:34 pm

I LOVE this. People really should have more ideas like you expressed. I feel the exact same way about the word love and it bugs me when people just casually throw it around.

If you have some time, check out some of my stuff. :) It isn't as good, but i <3 this letter!

horse95lover said...
Jun. 18, 2010 at 6:56 am
very witty and well written :) good job!
gymbabe This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 17, 2010 at 8:52 pm

Oh, wow, that was AMAZING!  Absolutely hilarious!  I loved it!  So perfect, and completely matches my own standards!  Awesome job!

Btw, will you check out and comment on my work?

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