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I look back at this letter that I wrote to Jen. My first letter that I wrote to my mother, my feelings that I pour out to her in this letter but soon a would find out that she lied in each one of them, she lied when she said she quit on drugs, when she said im sorry, when she said she loved me. I look back at the times I spent with my mom that I can never take back.
Letter number 1:
“ Dear Jen,
Hi my name is Mia Liner; I am 14 years old and a total girly girl. But I also love changing the world, im recently interesting in people that have illnesses and animals that are endangered. My two wonderful parents are named Kim and Bill, we live in California, and I attend North California high. Im in 9th grade and, no, I do not have a boyfriend my parents think im to young, ridiculous right? I understand that you’re in rehab? May I know why?
I have been thinking about you my whole life, and recently my parents told me that you are in a difficult situation that they think you should talk to me about. I know that you’re in a rehab because I checked where I would send this letter and it’s a rehab facility.
I would like to know more about you, because after all you are my mom, you’re my blood related mom, and you’re all the blood related family I really know of. I’ve been thinking so much of why you would give me away, or put me in a foster home and hopefully you would answer this letter with a positive attitude and tell me who my real mother is and answer some of the questions I cant figure out.
Love your daughter,
That was the first letter I wrote to my mother, I was nervously thinking of her response, if she had one. My parents didn’t really agree of me sending a letter to my mother, and we argued a lot because of it. After a few weeks I was thinking negatively, maybe she just doesn’t care, sending that letter to her was a huge mistake. School was my first priority in my house, I wasn’t to fond of school, but Im a spoiled kid and that’s how I was raised as, in a wealthy home. Because I don’t have any brothers or sisters my parents spoil me every chance they get.
After school was done, and I was sure that I was going to the 10th grade, I started summer, but I was still thinking about my mother, that I haven’t heard of in 3 months. On July 2nd my luck surprisingly changed, the letter that I thought would never see was in my hands. Shockingly I was more nervous then excited, but I have my reasons. I ripped the envelope slowly and slid my hand in and grabbed the soft paper into my hands. I looked at it for a few minutes without reading a word; it felt like she spoke a different language that I couldn’t even read. But quietly I sat on my porch steps, and read my mothers words
Well I don’t know what to say, first off please know what im about to say it isn’t your fault its mine and im sorry for that, second, well you’re a brave young girl to contact me because I, as well, have been thinking about you after I gave you away. Your parents are totally right, even though I don’t want to tell you all the mistakes I’ve done to you, I am, because I think you should finally know the truth.
I was 21 when I gave you away to a drug dealer. I started using drugs when I turned 15, I was young adventurous and very rebellious to every adult I encountered. The first drug I used was meth; when I first started using it I thought it would be a one day thing and I would never do it again, but to my mistake that was a lie. After this I started going out to parties with the wrong crowds, I started betraying my good friends to bad ones. I have used every drug you could think of, and at the age of 19 my doctor told me I was going to die if I didn’t change. At that moment I told myself that I had to change for myself and for my future, for you. I sadly didn’t change; I still smoked, and did drugs. By 20 I was pregnant, and I didn’t know who the father was, nor still I don’t. I had you on November 15th, I was worried that I was going to be horrible, terrible mother but I still wanted to take care of you, Mia. Three weeks later I gave you away; it was a very busy night for my guy friends, which meant they were selling drugs. Marco, one of my friends, told me to sell this drug to one man in this Toyota car, to my mistake I was high and I had you with me. Instead of giving the man the drugs I gave him you, my little girl. The man turned out to be a cop who arrested me and took me too this facility that I am now in. I still remember you crying when they put you in back of the Toyota car, I was high so I really didn’t know what was happening. Till this day I regret everything, doing drugs, getting high, smoking, having the wrong friends, and bringing you with me.
Please know that I really do love you and all the things I’ve done was my fault not yours, tell Bill and Kim hello and that I would like to meet them some day, as well as you. Im sorry for putting you in so much pain and hurt. Im sorry.
The summer air was humid and suffocating my lungs, it felt like I couldn’t breathe. I was still in shock when I read the letter, I couldn’t believe it, I seriously thought she was lien and there was going to be a huge SIKE! At the end, but sadly there wasn’t; I checked. I slowly put the letter in my back pocket and, wobbling, I stood up and walked into my house.
“Hey hunny, what’s going on today?”, my mother said while preparing a sandwich
“Umm nothing… just umm…reading this... Article” I said
Not surprisingly my mom looked up wondering what was going on.
“Mia Liner are you lien to me, young lady?” she said sternly
“No mother im really reading this…article. I swear” I lied
“Hmm well go on to your room I had bought you those coach shoes you wanted, go on now”
“Alright, thanks ma”
I ran to my room and didn’t even bother to check the shoes my mom was talking about, I opened my drawer and put the note from Jen in it. I sighed loudly; it felt like a huge amount of weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t really care about the shoes, I was thinking about Jen’s note and what to say and do next, and more importantly I lied to my mom. I never lied to her before, and I didn’t want to start now, but I felt like I had to lie because it wasn’t the right time to tell my parents what was going on yet.
After a few weeks of thinking I decided to talk to Jen again because after all she is my mother. I didn’t say much in the letter but I told her that I passed the 9th grade, and im having, so far, a great summer, and how my parents are really happy that she told me the truth, even though I really didn’t tell them. I was still in shock after Jen told me the truth, and I cried a few times, and at night it was worse because I would cry of pain because Jen actually didn’t care about me. I finally decided to tell my mom, Kim, the truth about everything. Her reaction was mostly “Omg she actually told you, wow great timing” but I was kinda hoping for “Great she told you the truth, we should all go meet her so you can get to know your mother Jen better”, but again that’s my mother, the sarcastic, strict Kim.
After 10 to 15 letters I got to know Jen and she got to know me, but I really wanted to see her in person, so I finally told her in a letter. She responded almost like she was glad that I asked her and excited to meet me, but the hard part was telling my parents that we have to go to the Rehab Facility my mom was in.
“You what!” she screamed
“Im going to meet my mother at a rehab facility” I said quietly, almost a whisper
“Mia you’re a funny girl you know that right” my father, Bill, said reading the Newspaper
“Yes she is, and no Mia, absolutely not, your not going to meet a drug addict, that’s insane, and probably has no clothes that she can afford” my mother said laughing
“Good one Kim” my dad said laughing as well
I was shocked; no I was angry that my parents are talking about Jen like this. I wanted to show them the real Jen that I knew in a short amount of time, but most importantly I wanted to show them my anger.
“Stop!” I yelled
“Don’t talk about my mother like that, you don’t even know her and your judging her! How dare you! I know she has done a lot of mistakes before but didn’t you say Dad that people learn from their mistakes and I have to learn to forgive? And to you Mom, your not funny, your just plain rude. So im going to meet my Mother and I don’t care if you tell me otherwise” I yelled
I put on my jacket and walked toward the door, I grabbed the doorknob and ran outside to get away from all the negativity. I was freezing because I was wearing jean shorts and a tank top, with a leather jacket, with my pink slippers. I was mad, I was mad at my mother, at my father, and most importantly at myself. I let myself care so much about people, when I really don’t know them; I should’ve been calm and shouldn’t have listened to my parent’s rudeness. Regret was all I was thinking. Regret, Regret. My hair was getting curly when I noticed I was crying, but nobody would notice because it was raining and it was close to midnight. I was about two blocks away from Elm Street when I noticed a text from my best friend, Leo. I grabbed my cell and read
“Hey, me & a group of us r goin to this party on Elm street, txt me back if yur comin”
I thought for a moment, and answered with my fingers freezing cold, almost shaking.
“Yea, I’ll be there. Im almost there anyway”
I snapped my phone shut and walked toward Elm Street, where I needed to escape to. Everything was a blur after that; all I remember was my parents picking me up, and all these red and blue flashing lights. I woke up with a major headache, and on my bed. It was 1 in the afternoon and I was scared that I was dead or something because everything was so…quiet.
“Mom!” I yelled
“Dad!” I yelled again
“Anyone” I whispered, because my voice was cracking
I stood up from my bed, almost falling; I grabbed my paper and pen and went to the living room. And they’re they were, my parents.
“Your right” my mom said
I was still in shock that I was alive so I said, “ What are you talking about?”
“You got drunk at the party last night and the police came to see what happened, and they called us. We were scared to death Mia, why on earth were you doing?”
“Umm sorry mom I can’t think straight ” I said sadly
“ Go get dressed…were going to meet your mother, Jen” she said, and walked silently away, disappointed.
I walked to my room, still in shock but I quickly got dressed, left my hair out and grabbed my camera, cause a picture lasts forever, I once heard. I was surprisingly nervous when we drove to the facility, but a part of me was expecting my mom to accept me with open arms, and the other half of me was scared I was going to shut her out of my life. The ride was extremely quiet, and I was mad that I had made them so disappointed in me, but honestly I don’t remember last night, nor I drinking. I stepped out of the car and walked into the building that said “Rehab for Patients”, and a sign that said, “This facility is well known for people that are insane and/or have experienced with drugs and can not stop”, I was mad that there was a possibility that my mom could be right of what she said before. My parents and I walked silently into the building; I was sick of the silence, I had to apologize and make things better again, I grabbed my moms arm and looked at her with eyes almost filled with tears, and whispered “Im sorry Mom”, she grabbed me and hugged me, and I cried on her shirt, “Don’t worry, I love you and that’s all that matters” she said in relief. I wiped the tear that was falling down my cheek and walked down the hall to my mother’s room. My parents went to the waiting room, they wanted me to have my privacy, and so did I. Jen opened the door and I smelled a horrific smell, almost like pot, her room was a mess filled with these weird needles and little plastic bags that she was quickly trying to hide, and empty bottles of beers that were covered with red lipstick. And Jen, well she looked sick and pale, almost like she was dying, but she isn’t cause, supposedly, she was done with drugs and sober, but it looks like she lied.
“ Hey hunny” Jen said looking up and down at me and touching my hair.
It was awkward and I was sad for her to see the environment she was living in, but I answered politely and put a smile on my face. “Hi Jen… I mean Mom”
When she laughed she was also caughing, it scared me a little bit. “No it’s fine, you can call me Jen,” she said looking for something around her little room “I have something to give you, umm, what’s your name again?” she said still pacing around her room looking down on the floor, never meeting my eye
“Mia” I said worried for her
“Oh yes, Mia I bought you these cute Shoes but I cant find them!”
“Its fine I don’t need…”
“NO! I bought you shoes!!!” she yelled
“Ok ok” I said quietly
“ I can’t find them” she whined. “ I need to smoke, you mind?” she said looking at me this time. She’s more beautiful then I thought, her light brown eyes with long dark hair, she definitely looks like me; she could be my twin if it wasn’t for her baggy clothes, and her blood shot eyes, and her hair tangled looking like there falling out. I didn’t want to answer this question but I had to, I just needed to.
“No I don’t mind at all”, and I walked out silently out of her room that seemed to be suffocating me of disappointment.