Mystery guy part 2

April 25, 2010
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Why bother? In my mind im thinking to the days you said, “we can try”, im thinking back to the days you lifted my heart off the wooden floor and made me smile. Now you just make me want to cry and scream in my pillow; with anger and frustration that you put me thru, the anger and pain I have inside my body that’s heating up by every word you say, the frustration of your positive attitude of our friendship; but screaming in my pillow doesn’t work anymore because the pain is permanent on my heart. Im angry with myself because I let you put me thru this, for so long. And now I realize that I was under your little spell, or at least I thought I was. Im frustrated that you don’t see the pain you had put me through, but I pretend that im fine and walk like im the happiest young girl on the planet, I smile like you had crossed my mind, I laugh like you made a brilliant joke, I flirt like you’re the only one I want. But I know that’s a lie; I walk like there’s no ending to this sad, horrible dream, you smile while I cry over the horrible things you’ve done, I laugh to hide my sobs, my sadness, my frowns, my madness, my frustration. Sometimes I wonder, only sometimes, what made you look at me that way, what made you decide im not the one, what made you decide that we would be only friends forever. I try to convince myself that your wrong about everything, about us not having a chance, about me not being your type, about you not knowing if its right. But I know in my heart that you’re right. I don’t have a chance. I was taught to be a strong young girl when it came to this, but I learned that girls in my age have harder trouble to let go of a guy that you unconditionally thought you loved, but how can you love someone that doesn’t feel the same way, or that always puts you down? I don’t understand what im feeling anymore, im confused of what im feeling, and my emotions that are all bundled up in one big ball. I forgave you so much for the things you didn’t know you did wrong. I cried so much for the silliest things. Why is it so easy to fall in love but so hard to let go? Sometimes I think of a way to let go of all this pain that I have, ignore you? Forget that I ever talked to you? It’s not as easy for me because I know you for so little time, you’re all that I know and love, it would be torture to let you go. What makes you so addicting, like a drug I cant stop using. Everyday I look at the drug and say nope im not going to do it today, im not going to keep ruining my life; but everyday I find myself grabbing the drug with tears rolling down my cheeks that are so painful, it hurts. And I start using it. I love this drug but like every drug there’s a consequence, my consequence is worse. My consequence is crying and thinking about the days we will never have again, the good days. I pretend like im not hurt and the pain is gone inside but I know the pain still remains in me, bright & burning me like fire.

This is ridiculous! What am I doing! Crying and thinking about this guy that doesn’t even recognize what he has right in front of him. It hurts me to talk to him as a friend. It hurts me that he says “cause we’re friends”. It hurts that I love him so, and he doesn’t care. But you know what? He’s losing out, and I don’t need a guy that puts me down and tells me im not important, I don’t need that from a guy or anyone in fact. I need a guy that loves me for me. So Im done wasting my time! Im done talking to him because I always end up regretting it. Im done with him! Its going to hurt; like a blaze cutting my heart into tiny microscopic pieces, that only he can see, but he will look at my pain and walk away, like he always does. But im seriously done trying to make excuses for him, and trying to figure out what he does to make me feel better, or if he’s a good friend. A good friend? No, he isn’t and im glad I just figured it out. Im done with the painful tears, im done with the worry for him, im done for the care and love I had for him. Im done with this all together. And I cry now because I know, now, that it’s really over and I have given up. But please now that it’s for the best, for you and hopefully me. Im just done with these tears that you had put on my face. Im done with the sadness you have put me thru. Im done with the times you had put me done, and I just wanted to cry to my mom and hear that everything will be all right. The words that come out of your sour mouth, your lips that curve so beautifully, the painful words you say that you say our jokes and we will laugh about, really hurt me and I cry because I take them so seriously. The words that you put upon me, they sting like fire thru my body, they burn my fragile skin, & they still remain, permanently. Forever.

I see you with her and I look at you, in you, between you an I know your happy with her. I know you love her with your whole heart and soul, I know you would kill for her, I know you would wait for her, I know in my heart that she’s the one fit for you. I look at you and smile to reassure you that you made a good choice by picking her. Im really happy for you, I really am. But it hurts a little, you know? It hurts that you love her like I loved you, it hurts that you choice her over me. No im not jealous, I feel, selfish that I wanted you to myself when I really never had you. Selfish, because I now want you, and only you. Im happy for you, please remember that, but some days I wonder why you didn’t choose me, why I wasn’t the one you ran to and said I love you, the one you called to say I love you, the one you smiled to whenever she crossed your mind. I understand that you love her and not me. But I so badly wished it was me that you chose.
I try my best to get your attention but for what





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volleyballchick said...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 5:53 pm
i loved this!!!
 
Dominicangirl replied...
Jun. 3, 2010 at 6:37 pm
thnk yu so much :D
 
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