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It was the same dream again, a face, such a beautiful face, and only a face. Nearly black hair, high cheek bones, soft pink lips and gorgeous, intense, grey eyes. She was easily the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Although dreaming, her face was familiar, even though I know I’ve never seen her before.
To the bright Hawaiian sun I awoke. I could smell the burnt toast and bacon in the kitchen, my favorite. I sighed, and took a swig from a nearly empty bottle of water. I throw my blanket to the side and start to get dressed while “Hello” by Evanescence blared from speakers. My clothes are black, I only wear black, black everything, except for my brown combat boots and the occasional pair of blue jeans. I do the morning rounds at the bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my face with cold water, then I sit at the kitchen table to eat breakfast. This is the start of another boring day.
“I’m going to the mall today,” I said.
My mother replied, “Oh yeah? With whom?”
“Megan,” I lied. “We’re going to see a movie,” I hate that she always assumes that the two of us are dating, but it got me out of an explanation so I guess that’s a good thing.
“Okay,” she said, “I’ll be home to drop you off at?”
“Sounds good,” she confirmed. “Love you, bye.”
You see, I’m not really going out with Megan, she’s just my best friend, but she’s always a good excuse to get out. I kind of feel bad using her like that, but she knows I love her, and I know she uses me for that same excuse. I didn’t know why, but I felt good about the mall today, a really truly great feeling.
“What? No, no, no! I’m way too busy today!,” said my girlfriend.
“Why? I know you’ve been waiting to see the movie, and I’ll treat,” I teased.
“Umm. . . I’m so sorry, next week okay? I’m really sorry. I’m just way too busy today.”
I sighed, “It’s okay, Megan. I’ll talk to you later okay?”
“Mmkay. Bye Megan.” I hung up the phone and thought about life, its purpose, its meaning. I must’ve fallen asleep because I dreamt of her, and she was looking straight at me, calling for help, but no sound came out, no words out of her mouth. I awoke, gasping for breath, half an hour later.
At the mall, I sat at the top of the parking structure looking out and smoking a cigarette. It was starting to get late and I was supposed to go to my Dad’s house that night, but he didn’t know, and I wasn’t planning to go anytime soon. The lights flickered and the sky blackened, the clouds we’re so thick tonight, but even they could not mask the beauty of the full moon.
I heard footsteps on the stairs and a gasp, as if the person was surprised to see me, or it could possibly have been that that person just tripped on one of the top stairs. I would never know, and either way, I was likely getting company.
A girl’s voice cheerfully said, “Hi.”
I looked up and mumbled, “Hi.” God! She’s so beautiful! I knew that coming to the mall today would be a good thing.
She took a seat on the ground next to me and asked, “What’s your name?”
“Keith,” I replied, “Keith Rodgers. What’s yours?”
“Kimberly,” she said. “Well Kim for short, Kim Yoshida.”
“Pretty name,” I commented.
“Beautiful name,” she corrected, then she giggled and blushed. “So what are you doing up here all by yourself?”
Is she coming on to me? I thought about it and decided against it, then I responded, “Umm, what are you doing up here?”
“I don’t know, I just wanted to get away from life, you know?” She sighed, “Don’t answer that.” That started our night.
We talked for a long time, and it was so fun! I thought she might’ve been flirting with me, but I couldn’t have been sure.
As she was saying, “Hey, so, do you want to come back to-” She was cut off as a group of boys emerged from the stairway.
“Back to where, Kim?”
“Let’s go, now.”
“Go away, Eric,” Kim said.
“No baby,” he grabbed her and pulled her in for a kiss, but she leaned away and stared at me, eyes pleading, she mouthed for help. It was my dream, and I didn’t know what to do. So I yelled at him.
“What punk!-” he started, but I punched him and he fell back onto his group of friends. They pulled him back up and he started cussing at me. I blocked his fists easily enough, but he hit hard, and it hurt, but I didn’t care because I was protecting Kim, and that was all that mattered to me at the time. I punched back and he started to bleed, this time he didn’t get up. Kim ran to me and started to drag me down the stairs, she hugged me when it was safe.
The cab ride was silent, nobody talked and the white noise took over. Kim broke the silence first.
“Keith, I’m sorry, Eric, he… I don’t know. He was my boyfriend and he never accepted that I broke up with him.”
“Its okay, Kim, I’m just glad you’re safe.”
“Where do you have to go? You never told me what you were-”
“I was trying to find myself, I just lost who I was, and I turned into something I didn’t know, something… I didn’t like.”
“Can I ask what that thing is?”
“I couldn’t tell you, because I don’t know.” I sighed, “What were you escaping from?”
“Life,” she said.
“I guess me too.” The cab stopped on the side of this big two story house.
“Do you want to come inside? I would really appreciate it, and we can fix up your cuts and ice your arm if you want. Please?”
I thought about it, but not really and automatically responded, “Okay, I don’t have anywhere to go right now anyway.” I was still trying to figure her out, her goofy smile, her longing eyes. I was falling for this girl I had just met a few hours ago. I paid the driver extra and he was ecstatic, like he had never seen a fifty dollar bill before.
“Wow,” was all I could say, the house was magnificent.
“Not much, but I like it,” she joked. Or I assumed she was joking. “Come on,” she pulled my hand, “I’ll give you the grand tour.”
We sat in her room, watched some TV, we did that kind of stuff. Then, at about ten o’ clock, we went out to the roof and looked at the stars. She’s a Buddhist, and we talk about philosophy a lot. She’s the best, beautiful, smart, funny, everything. The best thing about it is that she likes me back, or at least I think she does.
Kim fell asleep about half an hour ago. She’s so cute when she sleeps. It’s even better that she fell asleep in my arms. Today, February 17, 2009, is the best day ever. I dozed off at around one in the morning and had a wonderful, dreamless sleep.
The month had gone by so much faster with Kim, and now it’s March! Only two days away from my fourteenth birthday! As I awoke on the day of my birthday I found myself inspired, so I wrote Kim a song that I intended to play for her the next time I saw her, I just hope she likes it.
Megan got me a balloon, it was one of those big singing balloons and I was so embarrassed when she gave it to me. I hate balloons, they’re just not my style, and she knows it. It was a Tuesday, and for my birthday dinner we ate the best pot roast ever. I wasn’t supposed to go out, but I still snuck out anyway. I called a cab and gave the driver directions. Kim’s parents weren’t home tonight, so I knocked on the door and she answered, smiling.
“I knew you would come,” she smiled. I walked in, gave her a kiss and closed the door. She had outdone herself, dimmed the lights, put flowers everywhere, lit candles, and played soft mellow music.
“You’re beautiful,” I said.
She giggled and said, “You’re not too bad yourself, love.” I was led into the dining room, where there were roses and candles.
After dinner, she pulled me upstairs and played Cat Stevens, then taught me how to slow dance. The scene was perfect, absolutely perfect in every way. We danced for five or so songs, and then she kissed me. She pulled me to her bed and showed me she loved me.
I overslept the next morning and barely made it to school. It had almost seemed like a dream. I probably would’ve believed it was one if I hadn’t woken up next to the most beautiful girl in the world.
I love April, the rain is so heavy, and it’s the best. We were on the roof at Kim’s house for the past hour.
“It’s getting cold out here, I want to go back inside,” Kim muttered.
“Okay Kimi.” I tried to open the window but it wouldn’t budge. “S***, the damn window is stuck.”
“It’s okay, we can climb down.”
“Kay, I’ll go first.” The ground was about eight feet down from where I was, so I jumped and rolled out when I landed. As Kim started to come down, she lost her grip and fell to the ground, screaming in pain. I ran to her, and looked for some sign of a broken bone while simultaneously trying to calm her down.
“My ankle, S***! Keith, my ankle!”
I picked her up and carried her to the house. I set her down on the couch, got some ice, then tried to see if her ankle was broken. Kim called her dad, and when she hung up she said,
“He’s coming now. Brace yourself.” I carried her out to the car as soon as he arrived. Mr. Yoshida, Kim, and I waited at the ER until there was a spot open. We hardly talked, and it was strained between us, but he was grateful that I had helped and stayed with her for this long. He also lectured me about the dangers of being on the roof and strongly suggested that I go home. I didn’t, and I think he was happy with the company.
Later, in the car, Kim whispered to me, “I’m amazed that he hasn’t killed you yet, he must really like you,” then she giggled.
“Ha ha very funny.” I said
“Well I think he likes you,” she yawned, and it flowed out of her into me. We fell asleep holding eachother again.
Kim hated the cast; we could never do anything anymore. We couldn’t dance or sleep in the same bed; we couldn’t go to the beach anymore. Thank God the break wasn’t bad, only a small fracture that wouldn’t take two months to heal, but it still limited the things we could do together. I wrote a lot of music in this time period, and a whole lot of songs for her, she loved every one, and she sang along with every song she knew. We grew as a couple in April, and the fires of our relationship burned brighter every day.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hey, Keith, can you come over? I need to talk to you in person right now.”
“Sure, Kim, I’ll be over in fifteen minutes okay?”
“Love you Kimi, bye.”
“Love you, bye.”
I knocked on the door and she answered.
“Hi, come inside.” She led me through the house and into the backyard.
“What’s up? Is everything okay, Kimi?”
“No,” she admitted, and looked down, “My dad accepted a job offer from USD.”
“So, you’re moving?” I said, my voice cracked a little at the end.
“Keith, we can do this, we can still make everything work.
“Kim… I… You…. I love you. I love you more than anything else in the world.”
“I love you too, Keith. You’re the best.”
“I know, I love you too much to let you go Kimberly, I’ll never live without you.” My eyes started to tear, but then she kissed me, it was the most intense kiss we shared, the hardest, most passionate kiss ever. We held eachother and didn’t let go. We didn’t want to let go.
She told me she would be leaving on June Seventeenth. This meant we only had about a month left together. It’s a good thing that about half my family lives in San Diego. I guess I’ll be seeing them a lot more often now. Now I get to see Ashley and Jon more too. Ash is my cousin, and Jon is my best friend in SD. Maybe we should run away, my Dad has a summer house in SD and we could live there. We would get married and live the rest of our lives together, but that would be too perfect, and things never work out that way.
“What do you want from me? What do you want me to do?” I said.
“I don’t know baby, I don’t know much of anything anymore, Keith.” Kim responded. “Just please, please know that I always love you, always and forever…”
“I know Kim, I know…” I pulled her closer to me, “I do, I love you so much, Kim, I… I want to… I want to get married to you. We could run away and live at my summer house…
“Baby, we… We can’t… We just can’t, Keith…”
“Kim,-” I started
“I’m sorry,” her voice cracked and she told me to leave.
I cried all day, I needed her, she was my salvation and I needed her so I would be able to live, I needed to know she was still there and that she loved me. I needed her to stay. I cried endlessly.
It’s the middle of May, easily my favorite month, but it was going much too fast. My time with Kim is running out. I must have at least ten songs about her already, and she loves them all. She told me that the only thing better than my music was me, then she’d smile that goofy smile and blush. Kim told me that everything that you dream is real and everything real is a dream. I’ll remember this forever, she said this on the first night we met, the night where we held eachother in her bed and kept ourselves warm. That night I fell for her, and she fell for me, we met midair and caught eachother, and we lived there, in the clouds for four months. This was the best time in my life.
“Oh my god, I’m so happy!” Kim shouted over the phone.
“Guess!” she teased
“…You got braces?”
“No silly! I got my cast off! Ha-ha we can finally do, you know what, again.” She giggled.
“Oh, yeah, that…” I blushed, she had actually embarrassed me.
“Come over now! Please?”
“Anything for you Kimberly, you know I live to love you,” she giggled and I hung up the phone. Fun does not even begin to describe what she was thinking of. I laughed and called a cab.
June 17, 2009 is today’s date. Kim leaves today, and it could possibly be the last time I ever see her. I watched her as she was dragged through security, and I kissed her at the last moment before she had to go through. Our lives had split, for what seemed like years in those four short months now seemed like nothing compared to these past few minutes that lasted centuries. She was officially gone out of my life as soon as she was out of my view.
Days crawled along. Eons away was the weekend where I would make the trip and go to San Diego to see my one true love. I have lost another. My childhood friend, Leslie, was involved in a car crash, her tire blew out while driving along the side of a cliff in Washington and she drowned. The last time I had talked to her was on the Fourth of July. I could hear the fireworks going off where she was and the loud noises that her family made when they were drunk. She told me she loved me, and I didn’t know how to respond because I still had Kimberly. Les hung up before I got a chance to answer and I never realized that I loved her until after she was gone.
August is upon us, and I find myself deeply depressed. I talk to Kim every day, and it helps so much, but only to the point where I don’t remember what happened for a little while, after one of us has to leave, or one of our phones dies, I fall right back to where I began. Kim is happy, she’s going to the same school as my cousin, Ashley, and my Dad attended. I haven’t told anyone about Leslie yet, because no one knows about our friendship, only her family and my Dad. Even he doesn’t know yet.
Death has taken yet again. Kim killed herself today, on August 18, 2009. I brought the knife to my neck several times, but each time I think of why she killed herself, and that alone can stop me from the deep cuts. Nothing can save me from the miniscule cuts though. The drugs will kill me before I can find it in me to take my life the same way she took hers.
I got a letter from Kim. A suicide note explaining everything that I would ever think of asking her, and stating why she chose death. After receiving the letter I quit drugs and stopped drinking, I stopped cutting myself. I know that she will always be out there waiting for me, somewhere, in a different universe; I know that she is alive, and one day I will die and meet her in a different life, in an entire different world. Kimberly Kazuko Yoshida, the love of my life, killed herself because……….