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Demons Do Not Deserve Angels


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I don't love you.

Yes, that's what I said to you. I said it right to your face, unflinchingly and without hesitation. My expression had been stone, blunt and forceful. Cold, like my heart. Like my ice cold heart that has frozen within my chest, never again to be melted by your soft touch. That heart had been so warm, once. Only for what seemed like the briefest of times. The times I spent with you. The times that were, undoubtedly, the best of my life. Not that I'll ever allow you to realize that. You could never even guess.

I'm a good liar, after all.

I had been so convincing, when I uttered that lie. That lie I had forced through my clenched teeth, past tight, unwilling lips. I had built my façade very carefully, you see. There had been no room for error. I had to be sure. Sure that I left no doubt in your mind. That you truly and completely believed that you meant nothing to me.

How I wish that were the case.

If I didn't care about you, I wouldn't be hurting so badly. My body wouldn't be aching every moment I spend without you. My mind wouldn't be consumed with thoughts of you, despite my determination to never see you again. My heart wouldn't be frozen.

My soul might still be warm.

But I made a mistake. Meeting you was a mistake. I should have known from that moment that you were different from all the rest. That you were special. That you were someone that I would fall for so easily, so strongly, that the effects of growing close to you would be irreversible.

I should have anticipated the consequences.

I knew full well that involving myself with another emotionally was risky business. Particularly with someone like you. And yet, I still insisted on getting to know you. On talking with you and laughing with you and enjoying myself with you. When you proposed we go out sometime I hadn't hesitated to say yes. Dating you had just felt so natural. So wonderful. I realized how intensely I cared for you. I realized it was dangerous to allow myself to feel so much for you. But I couldn't stay away. I needed you. I needed to continue exploring the bond that we had so effortlessly created, to continue finding those connections betweens us that were just waiting to be found. I had never met anyone like you. Someone so perfect, so beautiful, as you. It seemed that after only a few short months of our being together that I had seen the pure soul within you.

And upon seeing this soul, my decision was made.

I had never thought it would turn out the way it did. I had always thought that if it ended, it would have been your doing. That you would break up with me. It had been my greatest fear going into the relationship. That you would grow tired of me or move on to someone else, and that I would be all alone again, my feelings left unreturned. That you would break my heart.

I had never considered the fact that I could break my heart.

You had told me you loved me, that day I walked away. You had looked me dead in the face with those clear blue eyes, the ones that hold a part of me deep inside them. A part that is lost to me now. You had grabbed me by the hand longingly, desperately, uttering those three words with such passion that I forgot to breathe. I hadn't expected that response from you. I hadn't thought you felt just as strongly for me as I did for you. And although I had wanted so badly, so terribly, to say those three words back to you, those three simple words, I knew I could not. Instead, I responded with four.

I don't love you.

What a terrible lie that had been. A lie that was so completely and utterly far from the truth that it seemed ridiculous to me that it had been believed. A lie that I know has left us both in tears, left us feeling cold and broken and alone. But don't worry, you'll be better off in the long run.

I did this for you, after all.

When you told me you loved me, you meant it. I know you did. But you were blind. Blind to all of my faults and weaknesses, to those terrible character flaws that I keep so carefully hidden from the world. So carefully hidden from you. Do you not see? You had shown me the perfection of your own soul.

I had no such soul to show to you in return.

Inside, I am nothing more than a pathetic human being. One that is brutal and cruel to those around me. One that acts solely out of my own selfish desires. One that lacks generosity and compassion. One that is so unlike you in every way. Someone like me is not worthy. I am not worthy of someone like you.

Demons do not deserve angels.

You'll forget me soon. That girl that walked away. And you'll find someone else. Someone that will truly make you happy. Someone that will have a soul beautiful enough to exchange for yours. Unlike me.

I love you.

I love you more than you'll ever know. And I will never stop loving you. But I will not come back.

Because I love you enough to let you go.



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