March 13, 2010
In my mind, I could picture my silhouette in the pitch blackness of my room. My body hunched over in despair and pain, my shoulders heaving up and down in racketed sobs. Which, in fact I was doing right now. It took all I had not to scream out his name, it took all I had not to break down more than I was already broken.

My hands clutched the comforter as if it was him, right there with me. “What did I do? What did I DO?!” I cried miserably. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I was afraid to close my eyes, because when I did, his beautiful face would appear in my eyelids. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to do something with myself, but what? My hands searched around me until they hit a smooth hard surface, my phone. I flipped it open and used the dull light to see across my room. The first thing I saw was my bathroom door. I knew the answer was there, I knew it was beyond that door. If only I could get my useless body off my bed. I carefully stepped onto the cold wooden floor, and all my emotions suddenly fell on top of me.

The weight was unbearable, unthinkable. I fell to the ground and cried harder. How can anyone feel this low? I curled into the fetal position and let my mind flicker through time, and take in the memory.

“Ella, he hates you! Get over him already! He’s going to make your life miserable if you keep holding on to him!” I remembered my friend Jas saying to me earlier that day.
“He hasn’t done anything wrong to me…” I remembered saying in a shaky voice.
“He calls you a stalker, a creep, a loser…Ella, you have to quit this!” Jas had said frustrated.
“But I love him, Jas!” I had said, near tears. “More than he will ever know!”
“Yeah, but he’s going to make fun of you for it and he’ll hate you even more,” Jas had said.
“How would you know?!” I remembered saying, a single tear sliding down my cheek.
“Ella, trust me on this one, he’ll never love you,” Jas said apologetically.

It was all a really bad dream that I could never wake up to. I wanted out right now; I wanted my life to be over with. I wanted to be dead and GONE. “Just let me go…God…just let me go…” I cried in the dark.
I don’t know how, but I managed to find the strength to pull myself into the bathroom and shut the door. I turned on the lights and sat there. I leaned my head against the door and tried to make the tears fall back into my head. My heart pounded and bled. I loved him more than anything, didn’t he know I would give up everything for him? Didn’t he know that all I wanted was his happiness and friendship? Didn’t he know that I could love him more than anyone he knows? Why couldn’t he see it? Why couldn’t he love it?
I sat on the floor and beneath all that sorrow and pain, there was a small light of hope and truth, telling me that this was not true. “No…” I mumbled to myself. Not in a million years could he ever love me, not in a million years would he ever think of me just as a friend. I am always and will forever be a burden to him. Despite my tear-blurred vision, my eyes saw something. It glittered in the dim light of the room, it provoked and teased me. Before I knew it I was up and walking over to my shower, and then my fingers were curled around it.
I had never once in my life ever thought I could be “emo”. But the sharpness of the razor looked so inviting and soothing. Could physical pain get rid of emotional pain? I held the razor blade over my arm but stopped. What if people found out what I did by just looking at my arms? My eyes fell on my scar less thigh, and then it hit me. I could hide my legs better than my arms. Before I could change my mind, my fingers cut a heart breaking. I smiled to myself as I watched myself bleed. Then, by some miracle, I could not feel my broken heart anymore. The cut was so agonizing to me, that I could no longer feel my emotions.
But I knew that the heart was going to be there forever, and regretted it. I looked up at the ceiling and vowed myself to never EVER love again. Because all it did was bring me to this. The blood clotted and dried and I washed away the evidence. I had no more tears to shed, I didn’t have the sinking sorrow anymore.
Then I realized something terrifying, I would lose everything if anyone knew who I really was.


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This article has 22 comments. Post your own now!

Yuelong said...
May 20, 2010 at 6:42 pm
it makes me sad to think that people hurt themselves on purpose. isn't taking a walk around the neighborhood and complaining good enough?
MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
May 20, 2010 at 9:30 pm
For some people, that's totally good for them. But people who don't know how to handle their emotions, do hurtful things that not only affect them, but affect others. :( I think everyone should find a way not to hurt themselves and do something, like the things you sugested or whatever usally makes them happy.
Yuelong replied...
May 23, 2010 at 6:13 pm
i do neither most of the time. it's kind of pathetic
Yuelong said...
May 17, 2010 at 11:34 am
i've been mad at myself a lot lately, and i don't exactly know why. i almost considered hutring myself, not in the exact way described here, but causing pain to forget. i read it and even though i'm a psuedo emo i never did it, now i won't. thanks.
MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
May 19, 2010 at 6:47 pm

I am SO glad this helped! You are so welcome! Please don't EVER inflict pain on yourself because of your problems at home or at school or whatever. I will admit, I was in this position and I have scars I wish were not there. People stare at them, and some scars are names or words. Who knows what they think of me. DONT EVER. Please.

Best of wishes. :) I hope life gets better for you.

truelove4ever222 said...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 5:37 am
True.. Cutting is never the answer. But sometimes it seems like that's all the control you have. You're wrong. Don't do it.
MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
Apr. 8, 2010 at 8:02 pm

I'm sorry, it threw me of when you said, "You're wrong". xD

Yes, cutting is not the answer. But I agree, sometimes it does feel like all the control you have. I will admit that I used to be exactly like this. But I'm looooooooong past that. It's sad to see you and your friends being in so much hurt and pain that you feel like you deserve to hurt yourself, or the only way to escae depression IS to inflict pain on yourself. It crude and wrong. Anyone who is doing this should get hel... (more »)

Sarbear This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 1, 2010 at 2:26 pm
love this. very well writen, but i do agree with lola that it's a little confusing in the beginning... but i understood once i read more. great job :)
MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
Apr. 1, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Thank you so much!! I'm glad you loved it! :D
Sarbear This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Apr. 1, 2010 at 7:50 pm
your welcome XD your a good writer keep it up :)
MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
Apr. 1, 2010 at 10:20 pm
Thank you so much!!! I definatly will! :)
~Air~ said...
Mar. 30, 2010 at 11:12 pm
This was really beautiful in a kind of darkish way. I liked it a lot! Keep writing, because you're pretty good at it.
MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
Mar. 31, 2010 at 5:08 pm
OHMIGOSH!!! Haha thank you soooo much!!!! You just made my day! :D It' means sooo much to me! I'm glad you liked it! I will keep writing, I will, I will, I WILL! :)
Lola_Sveroski said...
Mar. 30, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Wow. I could almost feel your despair and pain and emotion. At the beginning, though, it was a little bit confusing and I couldn't tell for sure what was going on. Other than that, amazing!
MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
Mar. 30, 2010 at 6:43 pm

Thank youuu!!!! I can see how you would think it was confusing. Really, Ella was picturing what she looked like on the outside. Kind of how you can see a person show emotion,  but you can't feel it. She was trying to show you just how broken she was by giving you a mental image on how she probably looked on the outside. (Kinda get it maybe?)

Thank you so much for reading this and commenting! It means a great deal to me! :) I'm glad you liked it and I'll be sure to check out your w... (more »)

Lola_Sveroski replied...
Mar. 30, 2010 at 7:54 pm

I see... Don't worry, once I tried to write this piece and then I thought it was brilliant-ish... But then everyone was kinda like, "What the HECK?"


MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
Mar. 31, 2010 at 5:10 pm
Haha, I got that for some other stories I have written! This is just kind of a preveiw of a book I am writing right now, which a lot of people seem to like a lot. I don't know! If the first chapter gets posted on here, you guys can see for yourself! :) Again, THANK YOU. :D
Lola_Sveroski replied...
Mar. 31, 2010 at 8:58 pm
I can't wait to read it!
Lola_Sveroski replied...
Mar. 31, 2010 at 9:00 pm

I can't wait to read more!


MyFairyTaleEnding replied...
Mar. 31, 2010 at 11:09 pm
I hope you will love it! Thank youuu!! (I say that a lot! It's a good thing. :D)
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