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In my mind, I could picture my silhouette in the pitch blackness of my room. My body hunched over in despair and pain, my shoulders heaving up and down in racketed sobs. Which, in fact I was doing right now. It took all I had not to scream out his name, it took all I had not to break down more than I was already broken.
My hands clutched the comforter as if it was him, right there with me. “What did I do? What did I DO?!” I cried miserably. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I was afraid to close my eyes, because when I did, his beautiful face would appear in my eyelids. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to do something with myself, but what? My hands searched around me until they hit a smooth hard surface, my phone. I flipped it open and used the dull light to see across my room. The first thing I saw was my bathroom door. I knew the answer was there, I knew it was beyond that door. If only I could get my useless body off my bed. I carefully stepped onto the cold wooden floor, and all my emotions suddenly fell on top of me.
The weight was unbearable, unthinkable. I fell to the ground and cried harder. How can anyone feel this low? I curled into the fetal position and let my mind flicker through time, and take in the memory.
“Ella, he hates you! Get over him already! He’s going to make your life miserable if you keep holding on to him!” I remembered my friend Jas saying to me earlier that day.
“He hasn’t done anything wrong to me…” I remembered saying in a shaky voice.
“He calls you a stalker, a creep, a loser…Ella, you have to quit this!” Jas had said frustrated.
“But I love him, Jas!” I had said, near tears. “More than he will ever know!”
“Yeah, but he’s going to make fun of you for it and he’ll hate you even more,” Jas had said.
“How would you know?!” I remembered saying, a single tear sliding down my cheek.
“Ella, trust me on this one, he’ll never love you,” Jas said apologetically.
It was all a really bad dream that I could never wake up to. I wanted out right now; I wanted my life to be over with. I wanted to be dead and GONE. “Just let me go…God…just let me go…” I cried in the dark.
I don’t know how, but I managed to find the strength to pull myself into the bathroom and shut the door. I turned on the lights and sat there. I leaned my head against the door and tried to make the tears fall back into my head. My heart pounded and bled. I loved him more than anything, didn’t he know I would give up everything for him? Didn’t he know that all I wanted was his happiness and friendship? Didn’t he know that I could love him more than anyone he knows? Why couldn’t he see it? Why couldn’t he love it?
I sat on the floor and beneath all that sorrow and pain, there was a small light of hope and truth, telling me that this was not true. “No…” I mumbled to myself. Not in a million years could he ever love me, not in a million years would he ever think of me just as a friend. I am always and will forever be a burden to him. Despite my tear-blurred vision, my eyes saw something. It glittered in the dim light of the room, it provoked and teased me. Before I knew it I was up and walking over to my shower, and then my fingers were curled around it.
I had never once in my life ever thought I could be “emo”. But the sharpness of the razor looked so inviting and soothing. Could physical pain get rid of emotional pain? I held the razor blade over my arm but stopped. What if people found out what I did by just looking at my arms? My eyes fell on my scar less thigh, and then it hit me. I could hide my legs better than my arms. Before I could change my mind, my fingers cut a heart breaking. I smiled to myself as I watched myself bleed. Then, by some miracle, I could not feel my broken heart anymore. The cut was so agonizing to me, that I could no longer feel my emotions.
But I knew that the heart was going to be there forever, and regretted it. I looked up at the ceiling and vowed myself to never EVER love again. Because all it did was bring me to this. The blood clotted and dried and I washed away the evidence. I had no more tears to shed, I didn’t have the sinking sorrow anymore.
Then I realized something terrifying, I would lose everything if anyone knew who I really was.
***Author’s Note: CUTTING YOURSELF IS NOT THE ANSWER TO ANYTHING I PROMISE YOU THAT! DON’T CUT, YOU WILL REGRET IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.***