Here We Go Again

March 3, 2010
The smile plastered on my face is forced. The tears running down my cheeks are real, pouring out like a neverending rainstorm. The image in my head replays itself as if it was a broken record. I sit in the uncomfortable bus seat by myself staring out the window, the sun shining brilliantly against my fair skin. I turn up the volume on my iPod, trying to drown out my own thoughts. I feel stupid for ever believing him in the first place because I am an outcast, a nobody. The silent girl who reads Shakespearean plays and watches the History Channel. For once in my life I let down my guard and wore my heart on my sleeve. Look where that got me. Dabbing the corner of my eyes with my sleeve and trying hard to seem invisable to the rest of the world. I think back to day it all started. If I could redo everything all over again I would.

The boy I'm falling for is a foot away from me. Butterflies take over my stomach but I don't even notice. The way he smiles makes my heart skip a beat and the way he laughs is unforgettable. Deep down I know it's pointless liking him. He's the king of the halls, the most popular jock, and way out of my league. I haven't said one word yet and don't know if I can.
"You're Mackenzie right?" He's looking at me with his beautiful brown eyes. I'm caught under his spell. I can't form words at the moment, my mind racing with too many overwhelming thoughts.
"Uhhh yeah."
"Cool."
Wow I'm lame. That's all I could say to my dream guy? For 3 months I've been gushing over him and I finally get a chance to talk to him. I twist my ring nonchalantly wondering if I should attempt to start a conversation. I decide not to and the rest of the class period is spent in silence.

I snap back to reality as the bus comes to a stop. I sling my backpack over my shoulder and hang my head, silently praying none of the other kids see my tear stained face. I'm almost off the bus when I hear a soft voice coming from behind me.
"Are you okay sweetheart? I noticed you were looking terribily sad back there and I know it's none of my business but I don't like seeing people miserable. If you would like to talk about I'm all ears." I turn around to see our plump, southern bus driver with a concerned look on her face.
"No. Thank you though. I'm fine."
Knowing she's not believing a word I'm saying she adds, "If this is about a boy let me tell you something. A boy that only brings you heartache isn't worthy of your time."
With that I nod and slightly smile. I step off the bus into the fresh air and let my thoughts be carried away with the wind.
He tugs at my sleeve impatiently. I turn my head to see him smiling at me, his eyebrows raised. I slide my homework paper towards him just any other day. I don't consider this cheating, more like helping or sharing answers. Plus when he stares at me with his puppy dog eyes I can't say no, it's an impulse. I have to admit though we have been flirting the past week. Just small things like smiling when we see each other or asking questions about one other. I've gotten quite comfortable around him lately, I can now talk to him with ease. He tossed a folded piece of paper onto my book. Curiously I opened it, my hands starting to shake nervously. It read: So who do you like?
I didn't know how to respond. I was not going to tell him of course, but he wanted an answer. I wrote back: Nobody.
He frowned. I had this sudden urge to just scream his name at the top of my lungs. To tell him how I really felt but that wasn't going to happen any time soon. I would die if he ever found out the truth.
I pull my house keys out of pocket and jam them into the key hole. Once I'm inside my house I let my tears flow freely. I slump onto my queen size bed and allow myself to sob. Pretty soon I'm shaking uncontrollably and feeling sleepy. I hated the fact I liked someone who only hurt me but I could'nt help it. Trust me, if I could I would be way over him by now.

The second semester of school was in a couple days, which is usually no big deal except one thing... I'm going to have gym with him. When I found out excitement pulsed through my veins, pushing my happiness level to its limits, and I couldn't concentrate the rest of the day. I was beyond happy but that didn't last long. Turns out I'd been flirting with a taken boy. He decided to flirt with me while going out with his girlfriend. I felt used. I felt led on and I'd been patiently waiting for him to ask me out, but no. I guess everything was just too good to be true. I felt broken beyond repaired. My heart didn't break, it shattered. To think a guy like him could like a girl like me, who was I kidding? I should've seen this coming but I was blinded by love and its overcoming power.

My sobbing had subsided and I think back and wonder what did I ever do to deserve this? It's like the world has been poking fun at me all this time, laughing and enjoying my pain. To try to take my mind off of the recent events I flip open to page 300 in my science book to do some homework. But my mind drifts back to swing dancing in gym ...

"Okay everybody! You know now the basic steps to swing dancing so let's give it a go! But we are going to rotate partners this time!" My gym teacher announced.
I look to see who my new partner was going to be and almost immediatly I turned into an ice princess. There he is asking me to dance in his cocky, flirty tone I know so well. I take his hand since I have no choice and begin to dance. He kept asking what's wrong and why am I mad but I'm afraid if I speak I will start to yell so I keep quiet. He's smiling the whole time which makes my heart ache.
I stepped on his shoe accidently, "Oops, sorry!" I yelped.
"Omg! These were brand new shoes! Gosh way to ruin them!"
I felt bad until I realized he was just playing around. For the first time in a while I laughed along. For a moment I felt the spark again. The way we used to connect with each other was there but it vanished in a blink of an eye. The smiling, the laughing, and ceasing the moment was all there. I don't know if he felt it too but I know I did. I would give up everything to experience that again.

I close my science book and stare at the blank ceiling. I lean over to check my phone, one text message from Tucker. It said: Hey are you alright? You seemed upset in gym today...I feel bad. Text me back when you get a chance cause I want to know how your holding up ok?

I shut my phone and smiled. At least somebody cares about me. And I think I may have found a new crush....





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