The Memories (Part 1)

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Is a quiet rainy Saturday night when Amy started her walk from the car to work. She usually parked a couple blocks away just so she could enjoy the walk and think. There weren't many times she could get away and just think. With the cool, crisp air starting to tingle her face, her mind wandered to a usual topic: him. It started to years ago and ended eight months ago, and try as she might she couldn't stop thinking about everthing that had happened; how f***ed up her life had become.

He seemed perfectly harmless to begin with; just an older guy, like most of her other friends. Older that is. Not always older guys. She felt comfortable around people older than herself. They always seemed less judgemental, like she could hold her own. Or so she thought. But he changed it all. He had changed everything.

The air around her felt as if it was getting colder and the rain started to fall around her in a hazy mist. She enjoyed it. It fit her complitative mood. The deep gray of the sky reminded her of his eyes... The mist reminded her of all the tears he caused her... The cold was the bitterness she felt towards how he had affected her...

There were so many times she could have turned back. So many times she should have. She thought over each one of them carefully. Like always, her first thought was of a hug. A long passionate hug...

It was a week after she heard those five little words on her computer screen. I think I love you. THey seemed real. She wanted to give it a chance, but maybe this was only becuase her heart-beat wouldn't slow down. Maybe becuase the age difference was dangerous. Who knows. All she knew was that she had said she wanted to give it a try. TO give him a change.

They met a week later. IT was after band practice and he was going to give her a ride to the base players house for some mexican food. It was their first time alone. The summer air was warm with a light breaze caressing them. The moon was beginning to show in the mist of twilight, round and full. Everything was perfect. As they walked to the car, he put his hand on the small of her back; his warm hand penetrating her light cotton t-shirt, making her heart beat faster than it already was. Before they got to the car, before his warm hand burnt a hole through her light cotton shirt, he stopped her. He stopped her and pulled her against him from behind, wrapping his arms loosely, but firmly around her small waist. She liked the way it felt and sank deeply into his firm chest. They stood there like that for thrity minutes. THe breeze continued to roll over them, over their sweaty clothes and seemed to complete the bond between them. It seemed to close the connection between their bodies, making them one.

That's when the phone rang. That's the first time she should have walked away. HE was bad for her. He tried to keep her there, tried to have her blow off the rest of tha band without telling them what was going on. But he was too old. She couldn't run into things with him just yet... Oh but that secutiry she felt in his arms was adivtive. She couldn't turn back. She couldn't let go. And so it went on....

And so it went on... FOr two years he had maintained the same power over her... and for two years, he refused to listen. She tried to compromise with him. Tried to combine morals without letting go too much of herself. But just like that warm, sticky summer night when he tried to delay her longer, to make her sneak around with him, he never listened. Never.

She was less than a block from work; it was just on the other side of the crosswalk, but for a moment, she couldn't bring herself to take another step. She needed to cold right now to fit her mood and numb her thoughts, and she knew the moment she walked into the cafe the cold would be gone. The grill, the lights, and the espresso machine would be heating up the air, re-creating the warm security she felt in his arms. As she wrapped her arms around her black, thin sweatshirt to hold in a little warmth and to hold herself together. Her heart continued to beat in her cheast, growing stronger as she thought of the him and slowing down as she came back to reality, as she started to finally cross the street. She pulled her arms tighter around her stomach for one more minute, watching the door of the cafe rapidly coming closer, and took a deep breath. After taking one more look at the obinously dark gray-blue sky and feeling the rain stream down her face, she dropped her arms to her side and slapped a smile on her face. Taking that last step, she walked through the door and let the warm, secure air envelope her and fought back another memory of him.





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