Hope is not good

February 28, 2010
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Isn't hope a good thing?It gives people the strength to survive anything...When there is war or destruction,hope tells people that it is going to be fine, the world will once again become a better place...Pandora opened the box of hatred and misery but she also let out Hope.

I used to think hope was good,after all i remember in August, when I opened my facebook account, you were always there and I hoped it was because you were waiting for me, when you hurriedly turned away, i hoped it was because i had caught you staring at me.
when you teased me, i hoped it was because you cared about me...this hope turned out to be true..you were waiting for me,you were staring at me and you did care about me.

Those months were the best time of my life, i had never felt to happy or so alive..you brought out a more funloving and outgoing side of me, you made me more confident, i wasnt afraid to approach people, to make new friends.you broke the walls around my heart..you came in and let other come people too..how I hoped that this time would not end. I hoped for a better future for us ,i hoped for our dreams to come true.

Whenever I fought with my friends, when i missed my sister, when i was scolded or I had the most wonderful news or even the most random things..you listened patiently making me feel better or rejoicing with me.
you were my support, you kept me strong, you kept me from falling apart and losing my mind at the darkest times. I stood up to people, i wasnt afraid to speak my mind and take a stand and i wasnt afraid because you made me strong, strong enough to face anything in the world because i thought that you would be right beside me.

I hoped that you wouldn't leave me, but you did. I had thought that i could face anything but only if you were there..how could I survive this, you made me strong but with you gone how could I live??

I remember when you called to say goodbye, to say that it isn't working out. my world broke down around me..i cried non-stop. I cried the whole night and i cried the next day....you saw me because we were in class...you didnt say anything..just making me more sad.
when i got home,i went to sleep and woke to the sound of the phone ringing.

I picked it up, wishing that it was you and it was you. But you didn't say anything that i had hoped. you said all the lines which were supposed to make me feel better but they just caused silent tears to fall down my face..you said that you hoped that i'd find someone better but i didn't want anyone better..i wanted you..you hoped that we'd stay friends forever, i said ok but in my mind i screamed..how can you hope for us to be friends??? all I think about is us getting back together so how can i be friends??
you started to say things like you would always care about me just differently and it made me feel something..HOPE..i knew you inside out and i knew that we would never get back together but i couldn't shake this feeling away..

i hope that you would get back together with me..and this hope is driving me insane.
when i see you scanning the class for your friends, you see your eyes land on me and quickly move, i know you're sorry you looked my way but i hope you are thinking you did wrong by breaking up with me and that you are starting to like me again.
when I talk to another guy and i feel your stare on my back i know that you are just randomly thinking but I hope that you feel jealous like you used to...
when i see that you have liked a picture of me and my friends on facebook i know its because one of your best friends is also in that pic but i hope its because of me..
but worst of all when i hear the phone ring i run like mad to pick it up because i loved to pick up the phone and hear your voice but now your voice never fills my ear..its always a random person..tears always fill my eyes because even though I know its not you i always hope it is..

I know its stupid and dumb but at night I keep thinking how you will come and say that you're sorry..even though i know its never gonna happen but I still hope....hope has caused me to form my own delusional world where its going to be perfect soon...i see you talking to a girl who everyone says you're crushing on..but i laugh in my mind and think that soon you're going to realize you are still in love with me and come back because that it what I hope.

But i'm only sane because if I didnt hope this i know i won't survive and keep crying and crying..

but at the same time i hate this hope..it has stopped me from moving on and trying to join my broken heart again..because hope tells me you're gonna put a bandaid on it soon....i know its never gonna happen it i still hope..i hope for you to love me.

I wish that this tiny ember of hope dies because i know that I am not mia and you are not michael and this isnt princess diaries and i should beieve people when they say that you don't care about me but I don't cause i still hope.

Hope is not a good thing,,sure it gave people the strength to survive but it is also stopping me...i keep hoping that you will love me..i can't move on..i wish i hated you..i wish hope didnt exist..i wish could get over you but i cant because i still hope.





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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Whylime said...
Jul. 11, 2010 at 5:01 pm
omg!! made ,me cry! horribly true! ahhhhhhh! you are a very good (but heart wrenching) author!
 
himu131195 replied...
Jul. 16, 2010 at 5:21 am

thanks so much...

this has my most innermost feelings, still cant get over all of this..:((

 
tanmay replied...
Sept. 25, 2010 at 1:30 pm
this is brilliant baby... whn did u grow up so much???
 
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