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I woke with a thought; it’s Thursday. Just a same old day, like any other day, I’ll get up and take a shower, fix my hair, put on makeup, get dressed, and go to school. Same old, same old. As I get up my heart stings a little, but I shrugged it off, just like every other day. Same old, same old. I go smoothly about with my morning, the same routine that never changes, but that was ok I liked routine. It was stable, never changing, comfortable.
I put on my pale green shirt, the one with the blue stitching; In Love With The Idea Of Being In Love. I pull on my jeans and shrug into my short sleeved white blazer. Pulling on my Chuck’s I head for my door downstairs to the kitchen. I am greeted by my mother who is pouring orange juice in a glass.
“Good morning, mother,” I tell her in a cheery voice, I use just for her.
“Well, well, well, good morning Miss Vyvienne,” she responds in an equally cheery voice.
“Mom, do you really need to call me that? Is the Miss really necessary?” I ask with that look on my face.
“Oh honey, you used to love it when I called you that, when did you grow up and become so old and crappy?” she says with a smile.
“Oh dear,” I say in my best old lady voice. “I think it was when I hit 17…those years they come at you fast and hit you down like a ton of bricks. I KNEW IT!” I say with my hand on my back hunched over, “that is where the back problems come from!”
“Vyvienne, you are gonna be late,” Mom says with a laugh, “You get going.”
I wave to her goodbye and head out the front door to my car, a blue Nissan Sentra. As I get closer to the car I see something that was not there when I left it the night before.
A white envelope is stunk under my wipers. I pick it up and see my name crawled on it, in handwriting that I have been dying to see for weeks. I stare at the letter, my hearts screams for me to open it but my head is saying don’t you dare. Instead of opening it I get in the car and put the envelope on the dash and turn on the car. I start driving to school but so many thoughts are buzzing around in my head I have to pull over.
It’s a viewing area off the side of the highway looking out into the mountains. I look at the clock and see that I don’t have to be to school for a half a hour. I get out of the car and grab the letter. Sitting on my hood I take some time to study the envelope. It’s a creamy white, possibly from a stationary kit. My name is written in Pilot G-2 ink, I laugh a little because I know what type of pen was used. I turn the envelope over and start to open it.
I pull out normal lined paper, but the scent that hits my nose is so familiar, it smells like him. I start to unfold the letter but keep the writing away from my so I can back out if I need to. I almost do, my brains is at full alert now, I can sense everything around my. The scent of the pine trees, mountains, and the letter. I feel the wind soft on my face and back. I green trees are so vivid in the corner of my eye. I paper is smooth under my fingers. I breathe deeply before turning it over.
Two days ago I went to the library and was looking for some books. While I was there my sister told me to pick up some books for her, one was called Just Listen. The cover was white and had a girl on it holding an Ipod. It looked so familiar but I couldn’t place where I had seen or heard of it before. I was on my way home when I realized that you had brought that book with you to school long ago when things were different, and I remember you telling my about it. When I got home I hide the book so my sister wouldn’t know I had picked it up. That night I started to read it and it made me think of you. Every word on every page reminded me of you. The character Annabel reminded me of you too, when I finished it that night at 4 am I realized that something was wrong but I couldn’t place what it was.
I got up the next morning and it hit me. You. You were gone, and that was what was wrong. I needed you last night but I didn’t know it. I miss you Vyv, every little thing about you. Your laugh, your eyes, your hugs, the way you looked at me, the way that you made me miss you, your pouts, your voice, our arguments, our plans for the future that never came true. I need them all. I want you back in my life. I need you back in my life.
I’m sorry that I hurt you Vyv. I don’t know why I did it, I thought the reason I had was legit, but I know now it wasn’t. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t care if I was sick and dying. I hurt you and I won’t blame you if you never said another word to me. I know that we don’t speak anymore, even though we said we would still be friends, but I hope you still think of me. But if you don’t then you should burn this letter. If you don’t want me please just tell me, I can take it, and it would serve me right for what I did to you.
I wasn’t at school yesterday, I don’t know if you care anymore about where I am or if you even notice, but I was gone. I want you to know that I was gone yesterday because I knew if I saw you I would do anything, even get on my knees and beg you, to have you come back to me. I knew that I would just embarrass you and myself if I did that and you don’t deserve that. I decided to write you this letter and beg you. I know that I’m not as good of a writer as you are and I know that I may come off bad but I want you to know that I will do anything to get you back.
I love you Vyv, I meant all of the I love you’s I ever said to you, I never lied about that, even to the last day. Vyvienne please if anything, accept my apology and let me at least have the comfort that you have forgiven me so I don’t have this weight on my back anymore.
When I was writing you this letter our song come on and I couldn’t help but think back to all the good times that we have had. Do you remember when we were at the beach? When we tried to use that log to sail us away? Or when we were laying out watching the stars and you were showing me all the constellations? Or even when we played truth or dare and you had to kiss that frog I found? Or when we first kissed, you never knew this but I was so nervous. I liked you so much I didn’t want to mess up what we had. But you, you seemed so calm and so cool, you were perfect. That night I knew that you were too good for me. You should just want to know that when it changed and I thought I was too good for you. I wished that feeling I had, when I kissed you that night, stayed with me forever. Maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess.
Vyv, I know that I screwed up and I know that I was mean and horrible and a terrible person, but I need you to know that I want you back in my life, I don’t want to hurt you. I promised you that I would be there for you and that I would never hurt you. I broke that promise and you may never be able to forgive me for that but please will you try? That’s all I’m asking. Please think about what I said and please call me.
I love you
A tear ran down my cheek and hit the paper. I folded up the letter held it close and looked out into the mountains. The wind whispers the sweet words of the letter into my ears and I am consumed with happiness. As I sit there looking out at the mountains I realize that even though I try to hate Brian with every thread of my soul, I never truly did. I always loved him deep down. That is why my heart hurts every morning I wake up knowing that he isn’t with me. That’s why I put on a cheery face for my mom, because if I didn’t I know that she would cry from all the pain I was in. I knew it all now.
I get off the front and turn to get into my car. That is when I see the truck sitting behind my car. A grey Chevy. His truck. I see him sitting in the truck bed and I walk towards him knowing exactly what I need, him.