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I Hate You, I Love You

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Every night I go to bed thinking about you. Sometimes, I fall asleep smiling; other times, I slip away in tears. I stay up late now because I like to analyze every situation that involves you. It's also because I want to put off the dreams. I hate those dreams. They won't go away. Yet when I don't have them, I wake up mad. When I can't remember my dreams, I know there's a possibility you were there; it makes me want to cry, both from frustration and because I actually want to remember. Your name pops into my head as soon as I wake up. I see your face there, shining, and I can't stand it. On the bus, I don't talk to anybody. I think of you. I wish you were there. I wish you would offer me a ride to school in your truck. I wish I didn't wish that. I get to school, and I take the long way to my class in hopes of seeing you. I never have, but I won't stop. I take longer at my locker in case you pass. You don't. In class, I can't concentrate. You have overtaken my brain. Because I hang onto everything you say, everything makes me think of you. I want you to just leave, get out of my head. But I like you there. I wish I was in your head. I wish you thought of me this much. I wish you knew. I'll never tell you. When I talk to my friends, I avoid your name completely. They can't know. They probably do, but I like pretending. It's easier this way. You probably know, but you've never asked. I hope you do so I can deny it. I'll make it obvious, though, because you deserve to know. You deserve to know everything. I go to lunch in hopes of sitting by you. My friends are there, too, though. I want them to leave. I want it to be us. Always just us. It never will be though. I have to accept that. You don't even know. When the lunch bell rings, my heart drops, just like every time I see you. The bell means goodbye. I hate goodbyes. The further I get away from you, the more my stomach settles down. You have that effect on me. I love it, but I wish it would go away. Back to class means back to thoughts of you. I do my work, but I don't know what I do. I'm like a zombie. It's your fault for being perfect. Please, stop being perfect. It gives me nightmares. The bell rings and it's time to go home. I hate home because there's no chance of seeing you. It's just me and my thoughts of you. I go to sleep as soon as I get home because I might dream of you. I hope I don't, but I still go to sleep. Besides, if I don't, I might text you. If I text you, I might say something stupid. If I say something stupid, you might not like me anymore. You only like me as a friend; I don't know why I care. It's not what I want -- our friendship -- but it is what I need. My dad gets mad that I sleep everyday. When he yells at me, it means nothing. I would get yelled at for you. I wonder what you would do for me. Then, it's nighttime again, and I'm back where I started. I love you. You feel nothing for me. This hurts. I don't want it to stop. 




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This article has 17 comments. Post your own!

Nikiblue said...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 11:03 am:
This is so true. Love hurts, but you dont want it to go away... You explained everything so beautifully, keep writing.
 
WriteForLove replied...
Feb. 19, 2010 at 5:53 pm :
Thank you, thank you, thank you! You have no idea how much that means to me!
 
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Lovestonedloser said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 9:14 pm:
Wow...this is...AMAZING!
Comment on some of my work if you don't mind. I'm trying to get opinions on my second part of "A blood Promise" and others as well.
 
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DallysGrrl said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 8:16 pm:
This is hit home really hard. Its lik u had the same experience as me!!!! I luv luv luv this!!!! wow wow wow. This really is amazing. WOW!!
 
WriteForLove replied...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 9:06 pm :
Thank you soooo much! I tried to write from the heart so I'm glad it came out that way! I feel so much Better knowing so many of you can relate to this! Thank youuuu!
 
DallysGrrl replied...
Feb. 11, 2010 at 10:15 am :
Yaa i just think that its awesome that u were able 2 do that. Great job! Kudos 2 u! And keep writing, i was really inspired.
 
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storyofmylife said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 6:25 pm:
this is a relationiship i had for five years. hit me straight in the heart, and kept me hooked from the first line. i absolutely loved it. wonderful job.!!!! ;>
 
WriteForLove replied...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 9:05 pm :
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
 
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riedel said...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 10:14 am:
Hello, omg - you had to have wrote this for me - !! I have the excact same feeling - I hate him I love hime -get out of my life - please dont go away ...
I hate it - it utterly and literally sucks !! Please check out my work !! Please - I think you will like it ...
 
riedel replied...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 10:15 am :
No I love your work !
I hate the love game ... haha
srry -- I read it and it sounded like I was dissing it - I wasnt ...
 
WriteForLove replied...
Feb. 10, 2010 at 3:06 pm :
Thank you so much!!! Your comments made me laugh :D that means alot. I'm glad so many people can understand
 
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Peanut:) said...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 10:02 pm:
I read the title of your piece and I instantly clicked on it. I swear you wrote this for me! haha, I totally understand your feelings and relate to every word. You wrote it beautifuly and in such a unique way. A while back I published something on here called 'Dear You, Love Liar' It is in this same nature but you portrayed the emotion much better than I did! But check it out still please? Great job, Keep writing, and I am so favoriting this! (That part where you say the bell means goo... (more »)
 
WriteForLove replied...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 10:09 pm :
Thank you so very much. That means the world to me. I will check out yours. Thank you very much for reading and commenting.
 
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SilverLuna said...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 5:24 pm:
I think this is so great, I know how this feels with perfect clarity. You're a good writer, keep it up!
 
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Mizfit4Life said...
Feb. 8, 2010 at 8:29 pm:
That is A-MA-ZING!! I Know exactly how u feel!
 
WriteForLove replied...
Feb. 9, 2010 at 2:20 am :
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I'm glad somebody understands (:
 
awats1 replied...
Feb. 17, 2011 at 7:47 pm :
This was absolutely amazing. I'll be honest, it gripped me from the first sentence, and dragged me down into the deep emotional pool of the narrator. You have a gift ... hopefully you're using it. ;)
 
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