"Love Story"

January 29, 2010
By LollyPop18 BRONZE, Fonda, New York
LollyPop18 BRONZE, Fonda, New York
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

“Love Story”
In a little town called Payson, Vanessa goes to school at Payson high. The only thing she cares about is her grades. Grades, that’s it? Not even boys? A few houses down the road Brandon goes to the same school as Vanessa. He plays all kinds of sports like basketball, football, and baseball. He is the most popular guys in school. All of the girls fall for Brandon. Those girls will do anything to win his little heart. Vanessa has chores to do at home. She is saving her money so she can go to college. Surprising her step mother, who is ugly, has a lot of moles, and very mean to Vanessa, is giving her money for college. The two step sisters, Ally and Madison, always get her into trouble. Brandon doesn’t really care for college. He thinks he can get in with his looks, whatever he says.

It’s a brand new week at Payson High with grades and mostly drama. Payson High has the most votes for the most drama in the district. Brandon and Vanessa have the same classes together. Before math class started, all the girls are over Brandon but not Vanessa. Vanessa is a girl who keeps her feelings to herself like boy crushes. She is sitting in the front row like she always does, getting ready for class. Brandon has a crush on Vanessa but no one knows. Class has begun and Vanessa and Brandon are listening to the teacher talk non stop for 45 minutes. Class is over and its time to go home.

Vanessa is having her very first boy problem. Her friend Sandy knows everything about boys, everything. She is a type of person who talks about boys.
“Hey Sandy, can I talk to you?” Vanessa asks.
“Sure, what’s up?” answers Sandy.
“Um, I’m having my first boy problem.”
“Oh my God, no way!”
“Yeah, I really like Brandon but I don’t know what to do, I need help!” Vanessa said with frustration.
“Ok ok calm down, here’s what you need to do. First he probably thinks you’re a nerd because you worry and care about grades. Second tonight is a dance, wear something that will stick out like “look how hot I am”.
“Sandy I can’t go. My step mom said I have to clean the house by 12 she won’t be back until 12 EXACTLY!”
“Leave that up to me. I have a plan”. Sandy says with a big smirk on her face.
Today is the big the day. The dance is in a few hours and Vanessa is cleaning the whole house so her step mom doesn’t get mad. Knock knock, Vanessa gets up and goes to the door to see who’s there.

“I’m here to give you your dress and a few of my friends are here to clean the house while we go out and have some fun.”
“Oh my God, no way! Thank you so much. You are my best friend ever!”
“I know I am, now go get your dress on and boys we will be home by 12”
Vanessa and Sandy are getting ready for the dance. A few minutes later Vanessa and Sandy arrive at the dance. When they walk in the door, everybody is staring at them, including Brandon. Brandon went to go find “the girl” so he can see who it is. He finally found her, ask her to dance and they dance the whole night. Obviously you can tell that Brandon is falling for her. Its 12 o’clock and Vanessa has to go. She thought that was the best night of her life. She was worrying about what the house look like. Sandy got the folks out of the house while Vanessa looks like she clean the house by herself. The step mother walks in the door checking the house.
“Vanessa you did a very nice job. Here is $500.”
“Thank you so much,” Vanessa replies.
The next day Brandon had paper everywhere looking for the girl he danced with last night.
“Sandy I’m dreaming.’
“No you’re not. Go tell him it was you”
“Ok fine” Vanessa walks to him and says I’m the one. Brandon was very happy that the girl was Vanessa. The other girls were furious that a nerd like Vanessa danced with Brandon. It doesn’t matter what you look like or how you are, you will get your prince charming soon.

The end!

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This article has 2 comments.

emily23 BRONZE said...
on Feb. 7 2010 at 8:51 am
emily23 BRONZE, Solon, Maine
3 articles 0 photos 126 comments

Favorite Quote:
Every story has an end, but in life every end is just a new beginning.

this is exactly like another cinderella story

on Feb. 6 2010 at 6:40 pm
Nikiblue PLATINUM, Bloomfield Hills, Michigan
20 articles 0 photos 137 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Stupid Is As Stupid Does." -Forest Gump (;
"No one who achieves success does so without the help of others. The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude."

Just as some constructive criticism, you seem to change tenses a lot, going from present to past on and off. It lost me in your story because I was confused on who said what. So try keeping the same tenses that way the words and story will flow a little easier. Also try giving your sentences a little more detail, and dont cut them so short when describing a scene or specific detail. One last note; personally, I dont like when people use caps when writing. If you want to describe yelling/screaming try using adjectives and verbs to show their emotion, instead of in the lettering.

Hopefully this helps and continue writing! Do you think you could check out some of my work, please?


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