I wake to another day when I have to hide my emotion from all those around who don’t understand the pain and suffering I’m feeling. People see me getting sad and the reason they will never know. They tell me they love me but it’s not enough to heal the broken heart he gave me. He goes on with life like everything is fine and pretends we never had a thing at all. It’s so much easier for him to move on and he is moving on so fast. I’m falling behind while he is happy and has a new girl to think about. There is no one who can fix this sorrow I feel but him. Be happy he tells me but how can I when I don’t have anyone standing by my side to tell me they love me and tell me im beautiful. I try to talk to him because he’s the only person besides me who knows we had something. We are a secret to all and now that we are done it remains a secret. The pain I feel the sadness the feeling of love has vanished. No one knows what im going through and I can’t explain because no one knows that I have been broken and no one knows there was something to be broken. So I lie silently in my bed and cry and just let the pain flow out. Crying every night and not wanting to talk anymore I don’t know how to fix it. Im not who I used to be and I miss the old me but I don’t know how to reconnect to who I used to be. I try so hard to not let it get to me but when I lay down in my bed every night I think of what I had and start to regret life and being me. So much I gave to him and that love I felt was true it wasn’t like anything I have ever felt before. But then he says good bye and everything falls apart within seconds everything that I thought was something has vanished to nothing. It was the first night in weeks that I cried myself to sleep. I looked in the mirror and sadness and pain filed my face. Regretting how far I let myself fall for him and how deep I let myself love him. I can’t stop thinking about him and it hurts to know he doesn’t feel the same anymore. I need to find the happiness I had and find who I used to be I can’t go on living like this it isn’t who I want to be.
January 24, 2010