Because of What? Why?

January 8, 2010
By , Byron, NY
He’s my best friend and lover. I love him and he knows that and that he’s my best friend. I miss the times when we hung out alone at school. Not around everyone where he doesn’t be himself around me.
Does he not want everyone to know how close we are?
I don’t know.
I wish I did because then I could do something about it.
At intramurals. Volleyball we’re doing. Love the sport.
But I ask to be on his team and ask his best friend.
He didn’t reply all he said was ‘I don’t know.’ over and over.
His best friend said ‘We’ll see who’s here.’
When the time came to get teams, he left me and just looked at me like he didn’t mean to, but he thought I would know why he didn’t come with me.
Sometimes he loses me.
I try to be there to know what’s going on, but when I’m there, he ignores me and when I ask his other friend why, he says that he’s not ignoring me.
But after I ask, he has an uneasy face.
Something’s wrong.
I know he doesn’t like me.
He likes her.
I love him though and don’t feel the need to give up him.
I still believe in my heart that I have a place where he’ll always be and I have a place in his heart where I’ll always be.
Is it my looks?
Because I’m not that skinny?
Because I’m not pretty?
Or is it just because I’m not good enough?
He’s my best friend.
We’ve had good times.
Great even.
If I were ever to lose him,
To God, the world, or just another girl,
I could not possibly go on knowing that I’ve lost him.
I don’t want to lose him.
I wouldn’t know what to do.
I’ve loved him since grade 4.
I’ve never stuck with someone that long.
But when he hugs me, I feel safe, no one can harm me.
When he smiles at me, I feel like the prettiest girl in the world.
When he laughs at me, with me, I feel the need to laugh more.
He’s everything to me.
I’ll love him forever and he’s just going to have to deal with that…

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