painful mistakes

October 20, 2009
By jess.tinka BRONZE, Melbourne, Other
jess.tinka BRONZE, Melbourne, Other
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

I stalked across the broken twigs of the forest floor, away from the river where my Anna is now floating; all I can think of is the failure to perceive my true emotions as my mind is unravelling feelings that were hidden from me until now. I am the cause of Anna’s death. She lays face first in the river because I never let myself recover from the loss of my family. I made myself believe someone had to pay, and that that person was Anna. I fooled her into loving me. I ran in front of a logging truck to save her life, she used to call me her hero. I told myself the only reason I saved her was because I had to kill her. But now I realise it was only because I loved her. Every little mannerism she had, her smile and laugh, everything. And now she is gone, because of me, I was too blinded by grief to see my true feelings.
I reach the park where my car sits; I place my hands on either side of the driver’s door. I lean my head down on the wet window and feel the cold on my forehead, and then my grief and guilt overcomes me. My knees collapse beneath me and I am left crouching on the ground in fits of despair. My breathing is jagged as I struggle to draw in each breath.
I begin to think about what made me like this. I always believed myself to be changed since Samantha was killed in a car crash as well as since my parents drove themselves off a cliff because of it. If that tragedy never occurred in my life, maybe I would have been normal, not this psychopathic killer that is now reflected back at me in the rear-view mirror as I sit in the leather seats of my black impala ’67. I turn the key in the ignition and the roar of the engine sets my heart beating twice as fast as it was. I put the car in reverse, drove back, dropped it into first and skidded my way out of the car park, and speed down the highway.
Images are circling through my mind; first I see the confusion on her face as I lead her to her fate. The next image is heart breaking. I remember how she looked when she realised what my plans were. A tear falls down my cheek as I hold in my sorrow. How could I have done this to the only person who I felt this way for? Her face was covered in fear. Her emotions never affected me, but now they all wash over my like a tidal wave. The third image that appears in my mind is the terror in her eyes as I see how she attempted to drag her injured body away from me, even though she knew it was pointless. I am heartless, I am a murderer. I drowned her. I drowned Anna.
I have almost reached the town limits; I don’t want to go back to that hell hole. Every little thing will remind me of her. I slow the car down and pull a u turn. My speedometer increases steadily as I race away from my old home. As the car speeds past the forsaken river where I know Anna to still be, my heart gives a sharp jolt followed by a stabbing pain. I scream out for it to stop, for the images to stop. I just want to escape from my deeds. I screech to a halt on the edge of the road, so I can get a hold on myself. I steady my breaths and attempt to concentrate on Samantha, on how I did it for her. I avenged her death; it was the right thing to do. Wasn’t it? My mind constantly returns it self to her face, the face of the girl I never knew I loved, until it was too late. That face will be forever etched in my mind.

Suddenly I feel my phone vibrate in my left pocket, I pull it out and look at the caller I.D. its Anna’s mum, what am I going to do? I will not be able to keep my voice calm. But if I don’t answer it, she will get suspicious, and I will be blamed when they find Anna’s body. If I make an excuse now, I will be safe, right? Throw them off the trail? The phone is still vibrating as I hold it firmly in my hand. I slowly raise it towards my right ear and answer it.
‘Hey honey, I was just wondering when you and Anna will be back?’ my mind races as I attempted to find an excuse.
‘Um, Hey Mrs. Reed, yer were just… um we will be back before 10pm.’ one hour, that should be long enough for me to escape.
‘Alright, well be safe. We will see you soon.’
I start up the engine again and press my foot down on the accelerator and drive myself as far away as possible. I head up the road towards devils strip. It is a long stretch of road which has a steep slope down on either side. It is a notorious black spot for accidents. As I approach the strip, I hear in the distance a siren. They could not have worked it out already. I am done; I will never escape the police. My panic rises as I continue to speed towards the strip doing about 120 kpm. Through that panic I see my only choice. As soon as I can see a deadly drop on one side of the car; I spin the steering wheel in its direction. The car launches over the edge in extreme speed. The car begins to flip as I hit my head on the steering wheel. When I regain consciousness I find myself upside down. I have blood poring down my face plus countless other injuries. As my heart slows, the police cars get closer and I realise they are not stopping, then they speed past and continue down the road. The police were never after me. My heart takes its last fatal beat as I let myself feel all the pain I locked up. I am now able to feel my true emotions for my Anna.

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