Amanda drove away from work feeling awfully depressed once again. Her hair, opposite of her usual smooth frizz-free ponytail, was in disarray from hours of running her hands through it. Her mascara was smearing giving her the appearance of a Tim Burton character. She caught a glimpse of her reflection in the mirror and jumped. It was strange to see her usually pulled together face replaced with such a forlorn expression. It had been a long day full complaining and unsympathetic customers and she was over it before it started. Stirring her out of her troubled thoughts was the annoying sound of a cereal box bobble head clicking back and forth on her dashboard. Suddenly she reached up and smacked it from the dashboard to the floor. Her sudden anger upset her to a higher degree than it would have if it was justified. She was overcome with worry about her behavior as of late. She had been lashing out for miniscule reasons recently, and could only think of one reason why. She sighed and was on her way, driving a bit slower than usual. Her leisurely pace was apparently slowing everyone else down, but it did not bother her. Her dad had always said ‘It’s not what’s behind you that you should be worried about, it’s what’s in right in front of you.’ She sighed, filled with nostalgic memories from a little girls’ life that barely seemed her own. Hearing the rude sound of horns honking from behind her, Amanda reluctantly picked up the pace. Although she was trying to convince herself otherwise, where she was dreading where she was headed.






~~~~~~~~~~

Eventually, she drove into the abandoned drive-in theater she had frequented for the past few months. Just as dark and dreary as usual. Why we picked this place I’ll never know. Amanda thought to herself. She killed the engine and stepped out into the windy night. With slow deliberate steps she walked to the concession stand, with its boarded up windows and rat infested trashcans. Walking to the back door, she pushed her back against the wall and slid down to sit on the ground. Exhaustion overwhelmed her and she placed her head in her hands. Relaxing her muscles she slowly closed her eyes. She jerked them back open at a sound coming around the corner. She fumbled to her feet, trying to find an aggressive self defense pose to take. She squinted toward the noise, trying to see through the dark. Realizing who it was she exhaled with relief and sank back to the floor.






He came and sat next to her on the floor, his thighs touching hers. She turned with an agonized look on her face. She had made up her mind to tell him she did not want anymore and she was going to confront her addictions. That if their relationship was resting solely on these relations then they would have to end it. With searching eyes, she saw his controlled eyes and knew this was the only way she could hold him. That he did love her. If they ended it, he could handle it, but it would tear her to pieces. He leaned over, his warm breath tickling the skin around her lips, and softly brushed her mouth with his. Once he moved away, she held her eyes closed for a moment, and for that moment she was completely content. They sat in silence for several minutes before he suddenly rose. She scrambled to her feet once again, digging in her pockets. She pulled out a wad of cash and took her share and placed it in her pocket while he quickly pulled a compact package out of his back pocket.





He smiled his breath taking smile that made her insides go gooey and her knees threaten to give out. She gave him the money and he gave her the pills. She frowned down at her hands where she was holding someone’s addiction, and his smile wavered. He reached over to caress her cheek with the back of his hand.










“Something wrong, babe?” Connors whispering voice pulled her out of her controversial thoughts. Seeing his raised eyebrows, she crammed the pills in her pocket, smoothed her expression, and walked over to one of the order windows, turning her body away from his line of sight.




“Do you ever think of what might happen to the people that take this stuff?” Amanda asked the question she had been wondering for months.


“Amanda,” He sounded out her name as if she was a child, “You already know what this stuff is for.”









“That’s not what I mean. Like, what if they die?” I shuddered at the thought that I could be responsible for someone’s death. Mid-shudder she felt his warm hands grip her shoulders tenderly and turn her around to face him.

“Is that what you’re worried about? Amanda. It’s not our problem what they do with the drugs. We give them to them. That’s it. Anything they do with them is their business and no one holds you or anyone else responsible. What a person does is their fault. Not yours.” His words that were meant to be reassuring to her just stirred her more. She started shaking my head, not willing to accept his reply. He caught her head in his hands and kissed her with passionate insistence that made her go dizzy. All thoughts left her besides the taste of him. She knew this was her destiny. She could kiss him forever. But his kiss had also caught her off guard which gave her this sense of risk that gave her butterflies in her stomach. As quickly as it had started, it ended. Amanda had trouble with coherency, and could definitely not remember what she had even been discussing with him. Oh how she loved him.












She was so caught up in the environment of the moment; she didn’t realize the words had slipped from her mouth. Her hand flew to her lips and she felt her cheeks flush. Connor’s expression changed to a look of amusement. It almost looked as if he was expecting it. And as if he was used to it. But she knew that could not be true. Right? She was inching away and she did not even hear what he said to break the embarrassing silence. Once she turned the corner she broke into a run. For a moment it almost sounded like heavy footfalls were following her, but she banished the thought. Connor doesn’t run to anyone. Least of all me.




~~~~~~~~~
Amanda found herself wishing she didn’t have to drive all the way to Michigan to drop off a stupid package of dangerous substances. She had so many unanswered questions clouding her mind which all lead her back to him. She loved him. But conditions on love were unreal for a lasting relationship- even if she was willing to follow them. With the last ounce of will power left after her months with Connor, she picked up the troublesome package, and tossed it out her car window onto the highway pavement.