Lovingly Crude Hands

Watching the movie in class, about the woman with no arms whatsoever, was the part that hit me hard. I was still in the stage that I could feel remorse for the sins I've done. It made me realize that hands can do so much good, like the woman with no hands, who was a young mother and had to raise her baby boy with her feet only; yet it also made me realize that hands can do so much evil. My hands did good at one time, but that was before I met Steven. That was before I became friends, then had a relationship with him, and then changed because of him.
I was sure that Steven and I were meant to be together, we both loved reading and writing, we both just had that odd taste of life, but he practiced things that I didn't. He smoked marijuana, he didn't believe in the same religion as I, and he didn't have the same standards as I did. In a way, that put a wedge between us, that in the beginning, didn't affect our relationship. When I first started hanging out with Steven, I thought that I wouldn't be influenced by his ways. But I was wrong. The more that I hung out with him, the more it turned into just us going to the movies and dinner and for ice cream, the more I was drawn towards his ways and away from my ways. After two months of going out, he convinced me to just try the joint, at first, I resisted, but I could see the hurt as I disregarded his joy, his high on life. I gave in for him, because I loved him. That was the first of the evil things that I began to do with my hands. After the third month, I was hooked. Somewhere in my mind, I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but I couldn't let go of Steven. He had helped me mature so much with writing, I was on my way to getting my book published. He showed me to a whole new world of books, and poetry that I would have never appreciated before. I thought that I would be the one that was changing him, and making a better difference for him. But he was the one that was changing me, and not for the better.
I never hung out with my friends anymore, I was constantly with Steven, I hardly spoke to my best friend, Ruth, anymore. Whenever I saw her, I could see the disgust in her eyes towards my downhill turn. I don't thing she ever really forgave me for it.
The fourth month was when I changed. Steven gave me this drink, he said that it would help relax me so I would be able to concentrate more on the writing. Having already been on the influence of the drugs, I willingly took the drink. My mind wasn't fully there, I couldn't see that Steven was destroying my light, making it darken and flicker; he was killing me slowly. After taking the drink I was in pure agony for nine days. I felt like my blood was on fire, that my head was shrinking, and I felt like my skin was going rip off in any second. The first two days, it was only the physical pain that began, I could only feel the most excruciating pain of all time, the third day until the ninth, was all the most painful thoughts along with the physical pain. At first, they were thoughts of murdering people that had done bad things, then it was people who didn't even deserve to die. Then I saw my friends and family being murdered by me. I couldn't stand it, I would find myself screaming and clutching my head to make them stop. Steven said that it would go away, that I would feel so much better when it was over. The nine days had passed and I did feel so good, I felt like right after you work out for a really long time and that feeling of vibration all over your body. But I didn't even have a clue of what the drink would cause me to do.
That night, Steven drove me to the woods, a four hour trip, he told me that I would have to feel the nature at first. We ran around the woods, I could just feel the new power in me, I felt stronger, bolder, more confident and just new. That was when I collapsed and felt extremely weak. I started screaming for help, but I couldn't find Steven, then a man who was camping around the area came towards me asking me what was wrong. I told him that I just collapsed and that I felt very weak and that I couldn't find my boyfriend. He reached out to help me up, but when I grabbed his hands, the evil doing's began. His face retorted in agony, and when he tried to let go, he couldn't. Our hands, sort of, molded together. I could feel all of his blood releasing into my body, giving me strength. I could taste all of the meals that he had ever devoured in my mouth, I could feel every emotion that he bestowed unto himself and others, I could hear every thought and conversation that he had in his entire life, and I could see every big thing and every tiny thing that had occurred to him. Our hands separated and he fell down, his face smoothing to a blank, lifeless stare on his grayened skin, revealing the extinction of blood in his body. The tears started streaming down my face, my body was shaking with the shock, I couldn't grasp at what I had done to the man that was trying to help me. I wandered aimlessly throughout the forest, crying and stumbling a lot. I ran into Steven with a tear-soaked face and shirt, I wrapped my arms around his neck fiercely. Crying hard into his shoulder. He rubbed my back in comfort, telling me that he knew my pain. He said that we would be like this for some time. He said that we would have to do some traveling to "regenerate" ourselves. He said that we weren't human anymore, we were called Absorbants.
Three months had passed since I changed. I had absorbed my dog, my three year old brother, my mom, a couple of my friends, and my math teacher.
Six months had passed and I had absorbed numerous innocent people that were from faraway lands. Probably the best thing that had happened since my change, was the day that I saw the video of the woman who had no arms and was taking care of her baby boy with her feet. The weight of the world just seemed to drag me down, the class talked of all the useful things that hands do and how they were so glad to have hands. All I could think was I would give anything to be in that girl's situation, it would have saved all the lives that I had destroyed. All of those people's lives were lives that I knew and loved, well some of them. The despair was leaking into me, I could see the darkness around me when I looked in the mirror. My hair looked more black than the usual sunny brown, my eyes didn't show the normal caramel brown, they looked more like deathly brown. My skin was more white than the normal tan. I was sad all the time, my smile just seemed fake. The only time I felt happy was when I was with Steven, even though he put me through this agony he somehow was my light through the darkness.
I walked out of that classroom with my head down, Steven was waiting for me in the hallway. He smiled and I smiled in return. As I smiled, I felt my body collapse and I felt extremely weak. Steven's smile faded, he started to walk away, but I grabbed his hand. I started to cry as I felt our hands mold into one, I could see his body reacting by him going into the absorbing mood. People we knew screaming and running away in fright at what they were witnessing happening, as I was absorbing all of his blood and feelings and thoughts and tastes and visions, he was gaining all of it from me as well. In a way, it was the fairy tale way to die. Two people that loved each other with all of their hearts dying together. As I was absorbing him, I think for the first time I realized how much he loved me. Even though it was a bit grotesque, I saw how much he loved kissing me and the way how I tasted. I saw the way he saw me, the way how he cherished all the sentimental gifts that I gave him, and how he wrote poems about me. I hope that he realized how much I loved him when he absorbed me. I hope that God will show some mercy towards the evil things that I have done, and that he will even more show mercy towards Steven, I hope that he will see how beautiful Steven was. No one will ever know and love Steven as much I did.





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