Every tear that streamed down her face was just another reason to make me hate myself. I dreaded seeing her in pain, but then why did I come to watch her anyways? I knew what I would see; it was the same routine every day. She would walk through the front door with the most beautiful of smiles on her face but as soon as she got the chance to go hideaway in her bedroom away from the cruel unforgiving world around her she could forget the little show she put on for everyone around her and do what she always wants to do. She cries.

I remember the first time I followed her home. I remember watching in horror as the beautiful strong girl who I didn’t deserve collapsed on to her bed and did nothing but bury her head in her arms and let her true feelings pour out on too those soft rosy cheeks. It broke my heart to see this, and it breaks again every time I see her suffer like this. Because I know why she cries, and it is because of me.

I want to run up to her and take her in my arms, tell her everything is going to be alright, and that I love her. But I can never do that; I can never get her involved. Sure the feelings she has right now are bad, but I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if I tried to drag her into my lifestyle. The fact that she already knows what I am and the monster I am inside kills her.

I wish I could just leave this town and forget about everything that has to do with her, and that she could do the same. But I won’t. I am much too selfish that way. I would rather stay and have to watch her suffer than even bear to imagine the thought of going somewhere else and knowing that she wasn’t there. From the very first time I saw her I knew that I loved her. I loved everything about her without even knowing her. The way her wavy brown hair always managed to look so effortlessly perfect, how her sapphire eyes sparkled and showed way more emotion than any facial expression ever could, how when she walked she did it with confidence which I easily recognized as fake from how her face would never match her body movements, she would always try to look intimidating but ultimately failed, but most of all I just loved her complete and utter selflessness. She would never put anyone else before her, which also later made me realize how she has no self worth.

Her tears have stopped now and she gazes out the window to stare into the green foliage of the forest. She does this often too. It used to worry me that she might have suspicions about my presence there, but I soon realized it was just a habit of hers. Nature seemed to put her at ease; it had the same effect on me. Her mother calls her from the kitchen and she scurries to the mirror to wipe away the black stains her mascara had made before leaving the room.

I sigh and take out my phone to check the time. I had better get going before it got dark, besides I had an “appointment” I should be getting too. I look into her room once more before turning away, I don’t want to leave. Maybe I would come back tonight when she was asleep; yes that’s what I would do. It took me about a half an hour to navigate through the woods and back on to the main road. My car was parked about a mile away in the Wal-Mart parking lot so I un-zipped my army green colored back-pack and took out my skateboard. It would be much faster than simply walking.

When I reached my car the sun was just beginning to set behind the hills making the long thin clouds in the sky appear to be a blanket of orange mist. I hopped into the car and drove off towards the gas station, the usual meeting place. It took awhile to get there. I think I was driving slow on purpose. I didn’t want to do this again, but I had too, I had to feed this addiction that was eating away at my soul.

I cut the engine in front of the gas station and I’m slightly surprised by the fact that there’s no light. I squint my eyes towards the building and spot a large sign that read “out of business”. Figures, what else am I supposed to expect in this economy?

I get out of the car slamming it behind me. All around me is silent; there isn’t even the sound of cars driving past on the nearby road. I am alone, but not for long. I swing my back-pack over my shoulder and walk slowly to the alleyway behind the neighboring liquor store. The bright flashing lights and arrows of the store made me crave alcohol but the sudden memory of the look on her face when she once saw me in hand-cuffs for beating up some sorry person after school while I happened to be maybe a little bit drunk made me snap out of it. The stuff I do hurts her, I need to stop. But then why am I still walking?
I reach a spot in the alley that has just enough shadows to cover me from being seen from the street and I wait. By now the orange hazy sky has been covered by a mass a smoky colored clouds and a small drizzle starts to fall. The raindrops settle in my black hair soaking it instantly, but I don’t mind. I love the rain.

I hear the sudden metal clinking of a trash can being tipped over and I jerk my head to the side to see what’s going on. It was him. This was my last chance, do I turn around, or do I stay? I cringed inside with every step the black figure of the man took forward. A large black hood covered his face and eyes and his hands rested in his sweatshirt pockets leisurely. I should turn back before he gets any closer, she wouldn’t like this, it would kill her…

But by now he was here, and there wasn’t any turning back. He removed his hood to reveal eyes blacker than midnight and a malicious crooked smile. He held his hand out but I just stood there frozen like a statue. A thousand images of her tears flashed through my mind leaving me completely paralyzed. By now the man’s smile had transformed into a scowl and he glared impatiently at me.

“Well,” He said in a deep hoarse voice, “Are you just gunna stand there all day or are you gunna pay up?” I didn’t say anything.

But I reached for my back-pack and grabbed a wad of money then placed it in his hand. He smiled devilishly again and stuck it in his pocket. He then took out a small paper bag that was stapled shut and handed it to me.

“Thanks.” I choked out and he nodded and disappeared back into the night.

I threw the bag in my back-pack disgusted with myself and headed back towards my car. I wanted to get out of this place, I wanted to burn the drugs in that bag, but most of all I just wanted to see her.

When I got back to her house all the lights were off. I easily managed to pry her bedroom window open without much effort at all. I stood in awe at the angelic appearance of peacefulness that was on her face as she dreamed. She was so beautiful…

I felt the hate I had for myself again and almost lost it completely. But I managed to keep my cool. I quietly tip-toed to her bedside and sat down besides where she lay asleep. She didn’t deserve to be hurt like this, she didn’t deserve me, and she could have everything but she would gladly give it all up just so she could be with me. But I don’t want her to do that, so I tell her no. She should be with someone perfect, not the complete opposite like me. But she refuses to believe what I tell her. When I told her we should just forget about each other she kept trying to reassure me that I was perfect the way I was and she loved every part of me, even the bad ones. Which frankly would be about 99% of me. But I couldn’t let myself bring her down like that. She shouldn’t end up with the self destructive drug addicted boy who managed to completely screw up his entire life in the course of seventeen years, but that’s what she wants. And I want to be with her too, but I won’t because I care for her too much.

I tuck a piece of her hair behind her ear and let my hand rest on her cheek. She smiles in her sleep and I smile back. I want her to be happy, and with me she can never be. I felt a thin watery wall in my eyes begin to blur my vision and I blinked to let the silent tears roll down my cheeks. I have to leave; it’s the only way I can keep us apart. It’s literally ripping my insides into shreds to think about it, but I have to do it. And because I love her I will.

I would go tonight. If I slept on it I would just end up changing my mind because of my selfishness. This would be the last time I saw her, and I was glad that at this moment she wasn’t in pain. My last memory of her would forever be my favorite.

I leaned in to kiss her forehead and left my lips to rest there a little while longer than normal. I breathed in her sweet smell that always made my skin tingle and left its aroma lingering on the tip of my tongue.

“Sweet dreams, my love.” I whispered my final goodbye softly into her ear and in the next moment I was gone.