Broken Forever

I leaned against the tree and cried a soft, quiet plea. I was usually a very noisy crier, loud and red and puffy. Branches swayed darkly against a white sky that promised snow. The wind whipped about, moaning as it tried to engulf me. No one was around to tell me it was ok or reassure me. But as I closed my eyes to let out a shuddering sob, I felt his lips pressing against my eyelids, reassuring and gentle. It hurt so bad to open my eyes and realize that no one would be there. I could feel his arms around me, smell his familiar shampoo. He died 4 months ago and I couldn’t let him go. I had been at the funeral, seen the casket and I still didn’t have the guts to let him die.
I’m so sorry Maggie. If I could take it all away…

His voice trailed off into the wind. I wished I could grab those words and pull them close to my chest where I could keep them warm and real.
“You’re dead,” I whispered coldly, “How can you apologize for something you can’t change? There’s nothing you can do about the pain. It doesn’t matter anymore!!” I waited for his reply but could feel the hurt in the empty air a testimony to the anguish I was feeling. “I’m sorry Sam, please, please come back,” I pleaded with the empty high school.

You don’t think I’m hurting?

The betrayal was clear. I couldn’t think of a way to apologize. But before I could speak he whipped around me. I trembled because, even though I knew he couldn’t hurt me, I was afraid.
You think I haven’t suffered?!I had to endure death, sweetheart, not exactly a pleasant experience! I didn’t get to say goodbye to anyone! I wasn’t given a choice; my life was just ripped away from me. I’ll never get to graduate or see my friends or parents again! I’ve lost everything Maggie, everything! Including you!

I fell to my knees and my bridesmaid dress crumpled around me. In that moment the electricity that crackled around me empowered me instead of terrified me. I whirled around, not knowing which direction to face to fight him.
“You suffered? You didn’t have to touch the cold, dead hand of the love of your life or look into his mother’s eyes and see her pain!! You haven’t had to cry yourself to sleep wishing you could tell that person one more time that you love them!” I was sobbing, but as I felt his arms starting to reach for me, I lashed out again. “You didn’t have to watch your sister walk down the aisle and realize that you will never get to marry the person you really want to.”
I had to watch you cry and know that it was my fault and that there was nothing that I could do about it. I miss you more than I could have thought possible. I’m so sorry. I will never be able to replace the whole in my chest where you are supposed to be. I will always be yours, never forget that. I adore you and miss you and above all things love you.

I felt him murmuring in my ear as clear as though he was standing next to me. The anguish in that moment was unbearable. All I wanted was to reach out and touch him. All I wanted was for him to be real and alive. He held my hands tightly and I could feel his cool breathe as he held them against his face. He held me so close that for a moment, he was solid, all of his wait pressing onto me. I felt an aching, deep and threatening in my chest as I realized that this was goodbye.
“No,” I croaked, but I didn’t seem to be able to hold on to him. I grasped at the air, clawing at what wasn’t there. I must look crazy. “Come back,” I yelled, “Don’t leave me! Please Sam!” I was hysterical now, clawing at the air to find him. I felt his cool kiss on my forehead as the wind blew him away. I tried to run away from our school but his memory held me there. I was chained to everything that remained of him. I had a vulnerable feeling that I would forever be imprisoned in a memory where he was alive. But I would willingly accept any hell that he was living in, just because we would have one last chance to be together.
“Stay,” I commanded weakly, but there was no one there to hear me.





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