Love, Hate, Bokr to Shame

November 3, 2009
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Pacing onto the steps of the subway, as the cool fall air blew my bright blonde hair off my shoulders and made me hug my silk black jacket closer to myself, so the air won’t seep through and hit my tan smooth skin making me shiver even more. I poked my head in the doorway and walked the rest of the way inside to find a seat. I thought there would be more people scattered around. Without noticing anyone around me, I walked a ways down the aisle of the entrance and noticed a young gentleman with crystal blue eyes and chestnut hair. He wore a delightful black suit with a checkered blue tie. I proceeded to sit next to him. Right as I did, he turned to me and right when his sensitive crystal blue eyes met to my mint green eyes he asked,
“Quinn, is that really you?” In a whisper I said,
“Um, yes, I’m sorry but who are you?”
I thought oh goodness this is horrible. How could I forget someone’s name? He lifted my hand off my knee, I was shocked about what was going on. I suddenly remembered who this caring gentleman was. I almost jumped out of my seat as I said, “You are Evan Hutchison!” with a nervous tone to my voice. We went to high school together, and we used to date on and off most of the time, now we are 25 years old. I ended the relationship because of the constant nagging and the things he made me do. Just how he wanted to be so close to me all the time, when all I wanted to do was be alone. I never regretted making that decision. I knew it was for the best and why I did it. Now it’s a matter of if he’s going to reel me in like a fish again or if I can walk away with nothing to worry about.

The subway stopped, as I was walking off the stairs of the subway I pull my hair back into a ponytail to keep the cool breeze from making it more tangled. I told him I was going to Panera Bread for breakfast before work. I decided to ask him to come along. Once we got there I ordered a chocolate chip bagel with a nice cup of hot chocolate. Evan ordered a croissant with some coffee. We sat down and ate our food. Awhile later I had to get to work, so I got up and right when I was walking out the door, I decided to come back and ask for his number and email address. I knew this wasn’t the brightest idea of mine, but I did it to be the better person. To make it seem like I really cared. I didn’t want him to jump off the boat too soon.

A few weeks have passed and Evan and I have been dating for two weeks now. He hasn’t changed much and is still his typical charming self with a dash of bitterness to him. I’ve noticed he is extremely clingy, and that doesn’t help my situation of, if I really like him or not. We started dating each other throughout high school, when I felt the need to end the relationship. He would tend to take my hands and hold them in the palm of his and say the sweetest of things. The things he used to say would make me start crying because I didn’t know if it was a good or bad feeling.
That if I left he would come chasing after me or if I left and he didn’t care to come after me. Evan will call once every two hours to see what I am up to. It makes me want to pull out my hair, he’s so annoying.

Around the sixth week we are dating, Evan starts to come over more than what he usually had. He likes to show up on rare occasions like when my parents come over or I’m having a get-together with friends. One day as I get out of my car and start walking up the stairs to the front door of my house, Evan comes out of nowhere and wraps his arms around me and hugs me tightly. In astonishment I kick him in the shin and he tries not to yell, but does get a little anger our by cussing.

We have had a couple of arguments before, but never like this one. He got up in my face and barked at me. It was like I was a kitten getting chased by a great dane. He was screaming at me, saying I had no right to kick him. I reply by saying that he had no right to sneak up behind and scare me. “When people do that, it’s a natural instinct I have.” I said in a calm, soothing voice. I walked over to the kitchen and got some orange juice out of the fridge. I start to tell him I want to end our relationship again but right when I take a sip of the orange juice I start choking. Evan soon comes over, pats my back gently with his hand. That’s when again I start to fall for him, knowing that he might catch me. He’s just so caring and gentle besides his outbreaks and getting upset easily.

It’s been about six months now since Evan and I started dating. Evan decided to invite me over to his place for dinner. He’s so romantic when it comes to things like that. As soon as I step in the doorway of his house he picks me up and spins me around. I try so hard not to drop my things on his shiny wooden smooth floor. We sit down to dinner and Evan has set out nice rose petals on the table and scattered them along the floor. He has made a lovely delicate lobster and shrimp meal. For dessert and drink it’s his homemade pound cake with white chocolate frosting and red wine. After taking a sip of the wine in my glass, he leans in for a kiss, I’m not one of those girls who loves to be impressed or shown off. I don’t kiss him back so he just leans back in his chair, lifts up my hand and kisses each finger. I pull my hand away as soon as he gets to my middle finger. He hates it when I don’t do some things he wants me to do. And in a reaction to that. He gets out of his seat, starts walking to the front door and marches over there like he’s a soldier in training. He swings the door open and yells, “Get out!” with a harsh tone. I start walking towards the door, he hands me my black coat to put over my pearly red dress. My blonde hair is curled and lines up a little longer than my collarbone. I rummage through my purse to find my keys, to make sure I can leave right as I sit in the drivers seat. I tuck my hair behind my ears noticing my pearl earrings have fallen out, but I just keep walking. No need for him to think I’m coming back, I think to myself. He kisses me on the cheek and I soon get reeled back into his somewhat charming and caring self, but I realize he hasn’t ever changed from high school. I keep walking, get in my car and drive home.

Two weeks after the incident at Evan’s house, while eating dinner. Evan hasn’t called or emailed once. One early morning before work I go out to the driveway. I pick up the newspaper and on the front of it had a picture of Evan. The words that dangled from the top of his picture read, “Evan Hutchison found dead on June 22nd, 2005.” In the detailed description of what happened it said, “Evan Hutchison had been drinking everyday, for the past 14 days. The last thing he did was write a letter saying, “Quinn, don’t feel bad about what I did to you. I miss you, which is why I have done this to myself. Now I can always be with you. I will always love you my darling Quinn. Yours forever, Evan H.” As I read what had happened my eyes filled up with tears. I fell on my knees in my driveway sobbing. “I could’ve stayed with him,” I yelled out for the whole world to hear me. Now I sit here, crying, wishing I stayed. I’m sorry, Evan, I’m so sorry. There’s nothing left I can do, but miss you. I re-read the newspaper over and over. In a whisper I said, “This is all my fault.”

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