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“Hi,” I whispered so low not even sure if he heard me, my eyes met the floor.
I couldn’t look at him. My invisible tears were about to be seen. Don’t let him see you cry, Sid. Don’t let him see you cry. I repeated a thousand times in my head, even before I entered the small white room.
“Hey you,” he responded, sitting himself up. We were quiet for a moment.
I felt his stare burning into my head, “well… would you like to sit down?”
I quickly hopped into the first chair I saw. He chuckled, “are you ok?”
I still wouldn’t meet his eyes, “I should be asking you that question, Kevin!” I sighed, trying to calm myself down, rubbing my temples as if I had a headache.
“We should not be worried about me at this moment...“ I mumbled off in complaints about myself.
He stared at me like I was insane, “you’re such a drama queen.” He smirked. His blue eyes still as beautiful as I remembered, but the dark deep circles surrounding them I couldn’t get use to, his golden blonde hair was now gone, his skin and lips were very pale. He was fragile looking. Who is this person?
“Weird isn’t it?”
Startled and embarrassed by my gaze, I nodded once.
He continued staring at me. I felt so ashamed for the way I was acting. I mean he’s the one sick, but has this huge smile on his face? It didn’t make any sense to me. I just wanted to scream. He didn’t deserve this. Anyone but him!
“Its. not. fair.” My hands clenched in to fists, helping me hold in the tears. The pain I felt for so long was turning into raging anger.
I looked up at him. He could see the rage in my eyes.
He took my hand and tried pulling me over to the bed. “No!” My tears starting to pour out like lava from a volcano, I didn’t want him to touch me because I would always be wondering if this was the last time.
The last time them warm fingers would send chills down my spine, the last time his embrace would push every fear away, the last time I would actually feel him…
I was scared.
Me being without him was like a world without sun, nothing to brighten your day, nothing to make this whole life worth it.
There is no such thing! Sidney without Kevin? Kevin without Sidney?
“Me without you?” I said out loud, breathlessly. He looked confused by my words.
“I couldn’t do it.” I still couldn’t catch my breath.
Kevin was my best friend. I spent almost every second with him. He was my security.
He IS my everything…
Thought after thought ran through my head. I felt sick.
I got up from the chair and started pacing the room, fingers to the temples again.
This was it. The reality was I, Sidney White, would be alone. Forever? I couldn’t love another this way again. I could never…
I stopped in the middle of the room, remembering where I was.
Obviously I had an audience, but it wasn’t anything he wasn’t use to.
“Can you please sit down? You’re making me nauseous.”
I ran to his side, “oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. Are you ok?” I held his face in my hands.
He laughed. My hands fell to my side. “This is not funny!” My face felt like it was on fire.
He laughed harder.
I folded my hands against my chest, waiting for the joke to be over.
He finally through his hands up to surrender.
“Ok, ok. I’m finished.” My favorite smile appeared on his face.
I couldn’t help but smile back. My smile quickly faded, coming back down to reality.
He put his hand under my chin.
“There’s a plan for me, Sidney. Somewhere up there,’ his eyes glanced up at the ceiling, “they have a plan for me… Bigger than imagined.” A small grinned played on his lips.
I stared at him in wonder. How can he be ok with this? I couldn’t comprehend it.
He understood my expression; he looked down biting his lip. “I’m scared. I really am.’ It sounded like something was stuck in his throat, he looked back at me grabbing my hand, “I’m mostly scared of leaving you.” His eyes were puffy; he was trying to fight back his tears.
I took a deep breathe. My heart was torn. I just wanted to grab him and say its ok, you’ll be ok. But I couldn’t, he knew more about this disease than the rest of us. He knew what he was going through, and what to expect. Kevin was always steps ahead of everyone else.
He chuckled, “you and your out of control ways is what I worried about the most.
I know it’s hard for you at times, but please try to keep sane.” He teased with that overpowering smile. I was laughing and crying at the same time. My mood swings were pretty out of control, but he knew how to handle them. He was my balance beam.
I wiped my eyes, still smiling, feeling suddenly safe.
I wanted him forever and always, but maybe he was right. There has to be something out there stronger than this love, bigger than this world, greater than this life; that has a plan for us all and all you can do is believe.
Yes, it’s hard thinking this way all the time. Yes, it is going to be hard letting him go and yes, it will be hard to love again. But I will get through this. A part of him will always be with me, keeping me sane.
He slid over as far as possible on the small bed, inviting me in.
I carefully slid in, holding him tightly to me.
“I love you, Sid.”
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“I love you, Kev... Always.”