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Where are you
Adrenaline rushes through my body as I frantically text him. It’s the last day. It’s wet, humid, and my dad’s almost here. My room is pack and empty. I shut the door and with it all the chaos of moving out. I’m not ready to leave yet. Not without saying goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye…
Sigh. I collapse onto the bed. This year went by way to fast. I look around the room. White washed walls, broken desk, closet full of empty hangers, the mirror, I look at me reflection. I’m not ready to leave. I’m not ready to say goodbye. But I have no choice. My view is interrupted by someone who opens the door. My dad.
“here we go, lets get everything in the car and let’s get out of here!”.
Missed you too. Whatever, he’s in a rush. Where is he?!
My phone vibrates. Two blips. Walking to Mac. Another two blips. I’m outside.
I smile. Yea dad, your right, here we go.
We’re dropping papers off. That’s it. That was the last thing I had to do. Now I can leave. As I place the forms on Mrs. Scarborough’s desk a huge sigh escapes me. Now there’s no more excuses to stay. Nothing left to delay time. Nothing to give me just a few more minutes with-
“hey, are you ready?” I looked up and jump at the sound of his voice. He smirks at me and grabs my hand. I can’t help but smile back at him. We begin walking towards the main doorway. Then he says how he forgot his college list.
“Let’s go get it then” anxious to use any excuse to stay a little bit longer.
“Nah, it’s ok. I’ll get it later”
“No, we can go now” as I run towards the elevator; frantically pushing the button.
“Why?” unsure of why I want to go so badly.
So we enter the two double doors. We walk into the space and share a moment that we’ll think about all summer, our last goodbye. I press the second floor button and then as usual stare at the ground. I didn’t even notice him walking towards me. My heart began racing as his warm hand was placed under my chin. His warm brown eyes searched my face. He looked so helpless. How was I supposed to say bye to him? How was I expected to live through a summer without him? How was I going to get through nights without him next to me?
And then he did what we finally could do behind the closed silver double doors. He kissed me. He wrapped his arms around me and he kissed me. He cherished me. He adored me. He made me laugh. He made me smile. He made me happy. Then the doors opened. He automatically pressed the third floor button. Then he looked at me again. That look that makes you weak in the knees, that look that they give you even when you’ve told them to stop, to stop staring at you. That look that they give you and when you notice it you ask what. It’s that look, that look that always asks for a kiss. And I did. I kissed him.
It went on like that three more times. Up and down, second floor to third floor and back again. But we knew this couldn’t go on forever. We knew it had to stop. I had to leave.
But we could have gotten off. We could have stayed on the third floor, we could have had another ten minutes. Why didn’t you stop me? Why did you let me go?
And so I did what neither of us wanted to do. Standing there, in each other’s arms, I broke the dream. I pressed the first floor button. The doors took a while to close. But when they did, I kissed him. And it wasn’t the type of kiss I thought it would be, it wasn’t a “last kiss”. It didn’t hold all of our emotions, it wasn’t dramatic, it’d didn’t produce any fireworks. It was just a kiss, a simple, gentle, insignificant little kiss. But it was beautiful. And I continued to kiss him until it became an unconscious thought. I felt a hard cold stone building up in my chest. My throat closed up until I couldn’t breathe. This was the last time I was going to see him. This is goodbye.
And so I let the tears fall. And fall they did, out of my eyes, on my cheek, and onto his shirt. The tears were the reminders of how much I loved him. Then I stopped. I just stood there, hugging him. I took him in, his smell, everything I possibly could to make being away from him a little more bearable. Then the doors opened.
We crossed the threshold and walked to the main entrance. “It’s gonna be ok. Be positive”.
I’ll try. He walked me to my dad’s car. I said bye to him and then he hugged me one last time.
“I’m gonna miss you…” and he tightens his arms around my waist, bringing me closer to him. I finally break all this shields that I built for this moment and then become numb with all the pain-
“I love you… so much” I couldn’t find the voice to reply. I just looked at him and nodded and kissed him, soft, sweet, and gentle.
Then I did what I had to do. I let go. But he let me go. I turned away from him. Opened the passenger door. Looked at him one more time- and there it was. That face, the same one from the elevator, the same one he makes every time he’s gonna kiss me, the same one he makes when he says “I love you”.
I get in the car, I close the door and put on my seatbelt. My dad drives off. I stay watching him. He’s still standing where I left him.
“So any last words” my dad asks.
Yea… and I turn back to look at the boy who has my heart. I love you too…