The Test

August 5, 2009
By kookoodood PLATINUM, McGregor, Texas
kookoodood PLATINUM, McGregor, Texas
20 articles 0 photos 43 comments

“All right, everyone, the test is about to begin.”

I was sitting in a nondescript desk that was swimming in an ichthyologic school of nondescript desks. The administrator was moving through us, pausing occasionally to hand out a paper or rap a student sharply on the head for moving ahead without listening to instructions; other than this she was silent and stalwart. A stone face on Easter Island emoted more than she did.

In truth, I wasn’t really listening myself. I was too busy thinking of problems that wouldn’t appear on the test. My girlfriend, Stacy, kept springing to mind. She was a cheerleader; that I had no problem with. The problem was her late-night practices, and how she would return sweaty and disheveled with each long night. I told myself that I was crazy, that she would never do what I was suspecting.

“…test will consist of…”

It wasn’t rational of me to think this way. Or was it? I wasn’t sure. Most likely, this was pre-test jitters and a couple of multiple-choice questions would set me straight; get me thinking on the logical plane again. The admin passed out the test, mouthing something about stopping when she said to. Or maybe she spoke it. Once again, I wasn’t sure.

I wasn’t sure about a lot of things lately.

I snapped out of my reverie/pensive thinking as the spidery lady in the purple-and-red muumuu snapped, “You may begin,” succinctly. I brushed the sweat from my brows, blinked three times, ran a hand through my hair, tapped my eraser twice on the desk, once on each side of the test booklet, tapped my right foot twice and my left foot once, and slowly opened up my test booklet. It was my good-luck ritual. I don’t know why, but for some reason I had developed an irrevocable belief that it would help me in some small way.

I looked at the questions.



Question 1


Stacy, I love you : What? :: You said we needed to talk? : ____

a)
It’s going good, sweetie.
b)
Yeah. Greg, there’s someone else.
c)
Good, now that you’re here.
d)
Hey, Greg. It’s going okay. Want to go get ice cream?


I choked on my own saliva. It said Stacy? What—what kind of sick joke is this? I immediately dismissed it as pre-test jitters (again), and circled letter B. Then I moved on quickly, almost frenziedly, to the next question.

This was only what I had expected. I mean, what did I want to think? Stacy’s doubtful fidelity had always been an issue with me. I had never questioned that she was a cheerleader; it was her life and she could do with it what she wanted. It just seemed that, time in and time out, cheerleading seemed to take precedence over me. This I was not cool with. I figured that, as her boyfriend, I would move up her hypothetical “To-Do List”. That sounds bad. What kind of test was this? I promised myself that I would endure one more question before asking the admin if I was on Punk’d or Candid Camera or something of the sort. I hastily circled B and quickly ran through my pre-test ritual again before I turned the page to the third question.



Question 3


Define marvelous.

a)
superb
b)
the word Stacy says when Mark Donaghy kisses her neck
c)
expected
d)
paltry


I saved myself the trouble of choking on my spit again and coughed out of surprise before any liquid could ooze its way down the wrong windpipe. I coughed partially because every answer had been B, but more importantly because this test was highlighting my girlfriend’s infidelity and it was my ticket into college. And I was failing.

I raised my hand indignantly, stabbing the air with my open palm. The muumuu-wearing-a-lady-underneath came stomping over, sighing like it was the end of the world. Which, technically, it was: The world of me and Stacy was going to implode, should this line of questioning continue as such.

“Yes, what is it?” she snapped. I gesticulated wildly to the questions in front of me detailing my girlfriend’s actions. She looked at them, and then looked back. “Well? Is there a problem?” I looked down at the test questions.

The word Stacy appeared in none of them, nor did the word neck, nor did the words unlimited or supply or of or Diet or Coke, which, when strung together, form a phrase that is always lovely to hear; however, now was not the time to think about luscious beverages that Stacy and I drank two-liter bottles of at parties on dares.

I sighed and muttered that no, nothing was wrong. The female skeleton dressed in drapery muttered something about “bubble head” and swept back pompously to her desk.

Wipe. Blink. Blink. Blink. Slide. Whap. Tap. Thump. Thump. Whomp.

The usual.

Stare at the next question.

Also the usual.

Read the question.

That was when it stopped being normal. Or resumed its normalcy, if this test was the gold standard of normal. Who was I to judge?



Question 4


Revise the bracketed section of the following sentence: The cheerleader whispered that Greg [never needed to know] about her and Mark.


a)
was completely oblivious
b)
knew completely and was furious
c)
didn’t have a clue
d)
No revision needed.


Finally, an answer other than B. I circled D.

This pattern continued on through the English section.

Wipe.
b)
the spot where we first got ice cream

Blink.
a)
on the lips
Blink.
c)
possibly because she’s bored
Blink.
d)
the captain of the football team
Slide.
e)
is cheating with your girlfriend
Whap.
b)
and you can’t do anything
Tap.
a)
to stop it from happening
Thump.
b)
under the bleachers after practice
Thump.
d) after school in the locker room
Whomp.
c)
every day you’re not there.
Wipeblinkblinkblinkslidewhaptapthumpthumpwhomp.

I had finally survived the English gauntlet. The wave of relief that washed over me was quickly replaced by terror at the math portion and what it would bring.

Math. It was never my strong suit. English, obviously, was more my subject of choice, though at that moment I could think of no worse subject. Math was the curse of my GPA; it was the reason that I wrote. In my opinion, math was the ultimate blasphemy against the sacred temple of Writing. Math. The word filled me with contempt. Now, however, there was no escaping it. I closed my eyes and broke the seal on the right-hand side of the page. The first question greeted me almost cheerily.


Question 1


If a cone has a circular base with radius r and the height h is 4/3 the length of the radius, how much will the cone hold in volume?

a)
4/3πr²
b)
Not enough to save your relationship with Stacy
c)
3/4πr²
d)
4/3 ∙ 2πr


The answer, like it was most of the time, was B.



Question 2


If x = 3/4 y² + 14z, what does x/3 equal in terms of v, if v = 3/8 y² + 7z?

a)
3v/2
b)
x = v(ery likely your relationship is over)
c)
v/6
d)
Answer not given



Once again, it was B.

I sighed once and tried to concentrate, knowing that my relationship was through, it was done, whether this stupid test was right or not. Whether or not my fears were founded, it was worth it to escape this torture of the mind that occurred every day Stacy was gone.

It was worth it to pass this test and get to college.

Leave all this behind.

Leave her behind.

Almost imperceptibly, I heard a bird whistling from beyond the window.

Whap. Tap. Whomp.


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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 75 comments.


on Jun. 16 2010 at 6:54 pm
kookoodood PLATINUM, McGregor, Texas
20 articles 0 photos 43 comments
Thanks for the feedback :D Actually in case anyone noticed - the correct answer is actually there for every one of the problems shown on the test. He just constantly chooses the incorrect one. Sort of a parallel, no? :)

on Jun. 16 2010 at 6:49 pm
ImaginationStation BRONZE, Amboy, Illinois
1 article 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Imagination will often carry us to worlds that never were. But without it we go nowhere.

I was really interested with this piece. I found it scattered in a good way, which is hard to come by. The only thing I had a problem with was focusing, because some parts were a little repetetive. But, overall, it was great. Keep going(:

Riley141 GOLD said...
on Jun. 16 2010 at 3:27 pm
Riley141 GOLD, Yale, Michigan
13 articles 3 photos 145 comments

Favorite Quote:
" Always do right. This will gratifiy some people and astonish the rest." Mark Twain

This was realy origainal..good job> Keep writing it was realy good.

korhel said...
on Jun. 16 2010 at 1:29 am
korhel, Rockhampton, Other
0 articles 0 photos 46 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about you... But I can't because I know you won't come after me... And that's what hurts the most."

Hahaha I love it! I have to disagree what other people are saying though, I don't think this story is cliche because it is from a guys point of veiw. I really enjoyed reading this, 5stars=]

on Jun. 15 2010 at 1:04 am
Savvy_ PLATINUM, Houston, Texas
21 articles 11 photos 43 comments

Favorite Quote:
Call up the locksmith,
Tell him we need him quick,
We've got a million keys,
None of them seem to fit.

I thought it was sort of funny, with the tests mocking him and all :) Hah.

Miara GOLD said...
on May. 25 2010 at 7:31 pm
Miara GOLD, Ottumwa, Iowa
16 articles 0 photos 30 comments

Favorite Quote:
Not all treasure is silver and gold, mate.
Dying is a day worth living for.
The problem with being the last of anything is by and by there be none left.

I thought it was a little generic.  Completely expected.  But pretty good.

on May. 25 2010 at 6:10 pm
PussnBoots GOLD, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
12 articles 0 photos 138 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When life hands you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it." -Unknown
"The world is my pineapple. I just have to figure out a way past the prickly parts." -Me

Cool! You're a very talented writer. I love your voice! Please, please, please write more.

on May. 25 2010 at 5:50 pm
this was very entertaining! it got me freaked and paranoid with the Stacy questions :) great work!

Love23 BRONZE said...
on May. 25 2010 at 5:40 pm
Love23 BRONZE, Joliet, Illinois
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
You are unique of all God's creations and nothing can replace you

Great story...love the way she was always in your mind even if it was in a bad way.

julia.s SILVER said...
on May. 3 2010 at 11:38 pm
julia.s SILVER, Blue Lake, California
7 articles 1 photo 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
a wise girl kisses but doesn't love. listens but does not belive.and leavvs before she is left.



















~Marilyn Monroe

ummm it was interesting not really what i prefer but it was really good writing!!! check out my stuff

 


on May. 3 2010 at 9:14 pm
christian.e SILVER, Dutch Harbor, Alaska
9 articles 0 photos 37 comments

Favorite Quote:
The eternal silence of these infinite spaces frightens me --Pascal

Ah nothing like paranoia to shake things up in the romance section! Good job! loved it! its diffrenet in a good way.

rosy101lol said...
on Mar. 21 2010 at 12:10 am
wow this story was great ! ha ha good work!

on Mar. 20 2010 at 2:51 pm
Green8a8 SILVER, NY, New York
8 articles 1 photo 161 comments

Favorite Quote:
im the author of my life, unfortunately im writing in pen therefore i can't erase nothing about it.-by some crazy friend of mine

i though it was really good its very creative

on Mar. 13 2010 at 3:51 pm
ClockworkLightbulb SILVER, Nottingham, Other
8 articles 5 photos 36 comments
This is amazing.(: Written in a really unique way as well. Could you maybe check out some of my work?(:

on Feb. 26 2010 at 10:19 pm
alwayswriting14 SILVER, Northport, New York
7 articles 1 photo 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything makes sense yet nothing makes sense."

Amazing!! It was a really cool way to write a story, very interesting...

on Feb. 26 2010 at 3:08 pm
fyreflies BRONZE, Randolph, Wisconsin
4 articles 0 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Doctor Suess
"Oh, of course it doesn't hurt to slide in softball." (before I tore up both knees and before I slapped that person)
"Stay with me here now/And never surrender" Skillet

Way to write! I like how the test and the story are so intertwined that you can hardly tell them apart!

It's great.

on Feb. 19 2010 at 1:58 pm
JohnnyDeppLover123 DIAMOND, Holyoke, Massachusetts
54 articles 0 photos 146 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
William Shakespeare

Wow yeah that was really good!!! Loved it...keep up the good work!!! =)

on Feb. 4 2010 at 2:16 pm
MissFaber SILVER, Wayne, New Jersey
5 articles 0 photos 156 comments

Favorite Quote:
Nothing Less.

Wow that was great. I like how the narrator sees the test questions as being about him and Stacy, so the story is told through the test. good job :)

Amour3 BRONZE said...
on Dec. 22 2009 at 6:54 pm
Amour3 BRONZE, Cypress, Texas
3 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Never give up."

I liked it very much! I love every detail and the test is very interesting. Keep it up!

L-Jay8 said...
on Nov. 13 2009 at 4:33 am
L-Jay8, Melbourne, Other
0 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"These violent delights have violent ends, and in their triumph, die, like fire and powder, which, as they kiss, consume,"

- William Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet

Great! Very witty - I loved it....really clever


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