The Joys of a Donut

Pulling into the parking lot, our rendezvous was coming to a close. I stopped behind a line of
mini-vans and looked at Stacey. Every possible thing that I wanted to say was swirling through my
head. Finally I just blurted, 'You can get out here if you want to.' As soon as the words
escaped my lips I knew what I had really meant. 'You could get out and end this unforgettable
morning. You can skip practice, you don't really have to leave me.' That's what I meant. Of
course she had no idea this was running through my head, at least I didn't think so. She looked at
me softly, her eyes still controlling my every emotion. Now I was positive she knew what I was
thinking. She didn't get out, well not then at least, I was a gentlemen and pulled up to the door
for her and unloaded her stuff. We parted our ways, I cracked a meaningless joke about my driving to
see her smile. She laughed faintly our eyes connecting one last time. ' Thanks for everything,'
she said and she closed the door. As I drove away I replayed the morning in my head, every laugh and
every smile. Even though I may never be in a relationship with her or be able to call her my
girlfriend, this morning has satisfied all my dreams of a relationship. You can call it what you
want, but in that moment I felt something deep within me and something much more mature than
anything I had ever felt. In that moment I had fallen in love. I jumped into the jeep, threw my
belongings into the backseat and started backing out of my driveway. 'So,' I said aloud, 'What
have you got yourself into this time?' I was talking to no one of course, but I felt I needed to
talk out loud to make sure this was all real. I lied to my parents well, kind of, I was still going
to go to soccer, just not right away. I was, at the moment, on the way to pick up a girl and have
breakfast with her. Pretty nice eh? Well this wasn't any girl, this was the girl who I would die
for, the girl who I could honestly see myself one day marrying. I knew that for the rest of my life,
I would compare all girls to her. No matter what she did I found it to be so mesmerizing. Her
laugh, her smile, her sense of humor, and her ability to control me with a look of her eyes. I was
positive no one could ever match up to her. Stacey O'Neil was this angel. My angel. We were
friends, we talked everyday so I knew that I wasn't after someone I could never get. I just
didn't understand how amazingly beautiful someone could be. Anyway, Sal Aiello, the kid who could
hardly ask a girl for her number was going out for breakfast with Stacey. I turned down the street
and received a text message from her, Hey, I've got my stuff, is that ok? I laughed out loud. Was
there anything that wouldn't be ok? Sure no problem, I responded. I pulled up to her house as the
sun was just cresting over the treetops and sent a ray of light shining through the windshield. My
thoughts of reality still cloudy in the early spring morning only seemed to be growing thicker. As I
sat in her driveway I let my mind wander back to our past relations and what this outing meant for
our future together. Earlier this year I confronted Stacey with the big question 'Will you go out
with me?' It took me three weeks to work up the courage to ask her. Once I finally did ask her, it
took me another week to fully grasp the idea that she had said no. Apparently, she was better
friends with me then a girlfriend. Since I still had feelings for her, I wanted to make sure she was
still going to be a big part of my life. Hence the reason why I showed up at her house at 6 a.m. on
a Saturday. Sitting there waiting for Stacey my emotions were constantly fluctuating. One minute I
was nervous, the next I was calm and in control. Okay, Scratch that, I lied. My stomach no longer
existed. I felt like I was spinning and yet, when I saw her face it all disappeared. My worries were
gone, I was completely normal and my stomach was steady as I watched her walk down through her yard
and to my door. As she came closer I thought to myself 'Man, she is gorgeous.' I wanted so badly
to tell her how I felt. However there was a definite wall that stood between us as friends and us as
a couple. She came up to the door and gave me a smile, that simple smile took me into another world,
she completely controlled my emotions, I could hardly bear it. 'Hey,' she said softly as to not
disturb the morning air. 'Thanks again for taking me, I can't wait. I hope she is there!' She
threw her stuff in the backseat, along with mine, and we were off. Silence' I couldn't help it
but laugh. I was alone in my car with the girl I loved and I had no intentions of doing anything but
riding around with her. Honestly, I really was just happy to be with her. So again I laughed to
myself. 'What was that?' she jokingly asked me. 'Oh nothing,' I quickly responded, 'I just
think its funny that we are up on a Saturday morning to go see my ex at a donut shop.' She
laughingly agreed and from then on I lost all track of time. Soccer didn't matter, if my mom found
out I wouldn't have cared, people were non-existent except for Stacey and me. While I was driving
we talked about school and other things that didn't matter. However, it got unusually quiet when I
made a joke about a friend of hers. I instantly knew that something was amiss because she turned
toward the window and gave a half hearted nod. ' What?' I probed 'What's the matter?' She
looked out the window at the passing houses. I turned to look down the road and watch the white
lines zip by. She sighed and shifted, I didn't dare push the subject if it made her this
uncomfortable. I could tell this was a subject that really hurt her. Her face was dropping and her
eyes were almost tearing. Then she began to talk, very hesitantly at first as if she was reluctant
to be showing emotion but as she continued with her story her words became a giant flood of
overwhelming emotion. As she went on, I had this thought pop into my head. Maybe, just maybe, I
could prove to her that I am boyfriend material. I could be someone she needs in her daily life. So,
as I came back down from my fantasy, I noticed how Stacey was easing up and relaxing. Suddenly as if
a switch was flipped, her mood was completely different! She was buoyant and filled with a renewed
sense of life. I wasn't sure if she had told anyone that story before, but I definitely wasn't
going to ask her. She began laughing at her own outburst of emotion. I looked at her and watched her
face shine as yet again she sent me into a trance. Smiling at her I shook my head. Then we exhaled
at the same time, which resulted in fits of laughter. I couldn't believe how relaxed I was, how
relaxed both of us were. It was moments like those that I knew I would never forget as long as I
lived. Walking in we saw her, the biggest mistake of my life, my ex-girlfriend. Stacey tugged my
hand and I watched as her mouth curved into a smile with dimples of glee. I stifled my laughter and
tried to put a scowl on my face. I failed miserably. I couldn't possibly even pretend being angry
with Stacey. After ordering we sat down at the counter overlooking a run down parking lot. We stared
at the cars casually rolling by in the early morning. I finally surrendered to the silence by
insulting myself with a joke about my prior women choices. Stacey gave me a pity laugh for my
pitiful joke, but it had served its purposed as an ice breaker, for we began talking. From then on
we were not a teenage love story in progress. We were part of each other's lives. We felt each
other's pain. Whether it was from broken friendships or our family's affect on us. Never in my
life have I been so involved with another person. I brought out stories from my childhood that I had
blocked out. It was my time to gush with emotion. There may have been a part of that conversation
where I did not stop talking for twenty minutes. At the end of those twenty minutes Stacey was right
there with me. She had hung on every word of my story and backed up every thought and emotion I
could come up with. I turned to her, looked her in the eyes as her eyes searched mine. As I
continued to look into her eyes I saw her smile, her laugh, her uncanny ability to lift my spirits
and right in that exact moment, I saw everything I could ever dream of in a girl. So I did what I
had to do to keep Stacey in my life. I took a deep breath, sucking in my pride and holding my
dignity. I slowly started to form my lips into a smile. I watched her face react to my smile with a
smile of her own. My smile turned into a roll of laughter as she copied my laughs with a peal of her
own laughter. By the end of our laughter, we were so exhausted we were hanging onto each other
trying not to fall off of our stools. As Stacey closed my door, I watched her enter the school. She
glided past the double doors and I watched her until I could no longer make out her body among the
mass of people. Long after she had left, I continued to sit in the line of mini vans ignoring the
moms and the over-involved dads. I was trying to get some hold on what just happened. My legs were
shaking and hands that were clutching the wheel began to tremble. My body was emotionally exhausted
already, yet this was something above me, something more powerful then anything I had ever dealt
with. I had fallen in love. I was trying so hard to understand how I could have possibly fallen in
love. This girl had turned me down, and hurt me beyond imaginable. For some insane reason, that
maybe why I fell in love with her. Yes, she blatantly said that she saw nothing between us but she
still kept me in her life. She laughed at my jokes, stared into my eyes and didn't break her gaze
when I met those eyes. She talked about everything with me and she was my best friend. So much more
than all of those reasons though, was that she let me love her. She invited my love in, controlled
my emotions and I wound up falling in love with her. My mind was reeling and nothing made sense
anymore. Finally the blast of a mini-van's horn broke my trance. Easing down the gas and motoring
out of the parking lot my thoughts began to summarize themselves into a distant hum in the back of
my head. Emotionally my body could not take anymore, I was exhausted and the only thing I was
processing at this moment was the little white lines that zipped by my life, marking the roads I
don't even dare go down yet.





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Ayushi_austen said...
Nov. 14, 2011 at 7:48 am
this is really nice!! usually girls post such lovey-dovey stuff bt dis is AWESOME!!
 
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