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Hi, my name is Harrison. I am in 11th grade. I am an all-star football player. I have great grades in school and I have an amazing girlfriend and her name is Jamie. I honestly think that my life is going very well even though my mom is kind of irritating but that’s not a huge problem. I go to school. I go to practice. I go back home. I text my hot girlfriend. Then repeat it. My girlfriend goes to the rivaling school, and we only see each other on the weekends. Yes, it sucks that we can’t see each other but on the weekends, but we are doing pretty well. I’m not the stereotypical football player who dates all of the cheerleaders and only makes it into college because I can play well. Unlike the others, I cherish my beautiful girlfriend, do my best to keep her, and i’m in all college classes. She’s everything to me, my best friend, my girlfriend, my munchkin, and I love her.
She tells me I worry too much. See, here’s the thing, my girlfriend is a very strong girl. She battled depression and anxiety and even survived a suicide attempt. She also has problems keeping her food down. I should be allowed to be afraid for her. For years, she’s been okay, but recently things have gotten bad. She’s lost more than 30 pounds recently. She threw up once when I was at her house. I held her hair back and I saw red, lots of it. The worst part is that she never told me it was that bad. Now, she can barely get out of bed. She is getting very frail. She’s losing a lot of blood, so she gets nauseous and dizzy a lot. She’s barely making it. Her doctors were even calling her about a will. I want to worry for her because I love her, but she keeps telling me that this is how her life was planned.
I don’t want to accept this. She was finally happy. She overcame her depression, and she even admitted that she is happy with me. After 2 years of being together, we want a future and it kills me to know that we might not have that. She’s told me many times that “Whatever happens, it’s what is meant to be”, but I refuse believe that this is how it’s meant to be for her. I don’t understand that. To be honest, I don’t think I will ever accept things no matter how things end up.
She tells me to focus and not let her distract me from what is important, but she is what is important to me. Yes, sometimes I push my weekend homework aside to take her out on dates, but I don’t call that a distraction. I just want as much time with her as possible as her chances of making it are slim to none. As time went on, I only love her more. I can truly see myself marrying a girl like her. She is so sweet, gentle, and easily the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Despite how sweet Jamie is, she is strong and tough. My Jamie is fearless and resilient. While she is losing a lot of strength, she continues to work out and try to maintain her muscular build. As hard as it is to try to get her to rest, telling her to let her to stop is like telling the sun to stop rising.
Our relationship is one that I never want to end. She cares for me in a way no one ever has. She is patient with me when I am being stubborn and irritable. She tries her best to keep me in line, tell me “I love you” when I feel upset, and just makes my day 100 times better. We love to be together when we have free time. However, making plans is hard because we can never decide on where to go to eat or who’s house to go to. In my opinion, a perfect day with her is a Disney movie (those are her favorites even though she falls asleep on me halfway through), cuddles, and a couple kisses. I love her cuddles. She curls up into a little munchkin ball and I put my arms around her. It doesn’t get better than that. She’s just oh so small and cute. I never want to lose her.
A few months pass and I’m sitting in my English class and I get a text. “Babe I think it's time. Spartanburg regional 119”
With that, I walk out of class. I took my phone and that's it. I left my bag, my books, everything. I got in my car and drove. I called her and told her to wait. All I could say was “Jamie please wait. I know you can do it. Just please wait”
I think I was speeding… I pulled into the hospital’s parking garage and heard my tires making a scuff sound. I ran into the hospital, not even sure where I was going. There was something about the hospital that just made me feel wrong. It was filled with people who were having either the best or worst day of their lives. They could be having their first day, and for Jamie, the last. The entire place just had an eerie vibe to it. I sprinited through the halls, trying to make sense of what was about to happen. I ran full speed until there, I saw them. The numbers I would probably remember for the rest of my life.119. I pushed open the door, trying to be as quiet as possible. I heard coughing and crying. She wasn’t in bed, but on her knees in the bathroom. And there she was. My beautiful girlfriend coughing up the rest of her blood and bodily fluids. She was alone. No family, friends, or parents. Just me. I pulled her hair back and held it up so she wouldn’t mess it up. I rubbed her shoulders. I knew she was in a lot of pain. She was already very weak and throwing up takes a lot out of her. She turned and looked up at me. Tears on her face, blood surrounding her mouth. I could tell that it was hard for her to breathe. Her breaths were short and inconsistent. She was able to say the word “bed”. So I gently picked my munchkin up off of the bathroom floor and cradled her in my arms, careful to make sure I wasn’t hurting her. I pulled up the covers with one arm, holding her with the other, and placed her between the blankets. I looked at her and tried my best not to cry, at least not while she was looking. Jamie put her hand on my sleeve and tried to say “hoodie” but all that came out was a soft “hood”. I pulled it off and wrapped it around her. (She likes the way they smell) With everything she had in her, I saw a faint smile even though I know she was fighting to hold back the tears. I wanted to tell her so many things. How much I love her and how much she means to me. I wanted her to know that i’m here and i’m not going anywhere. But I couldn’t. With a faint smile, I said, “I think you’re beautiful. I love you”. There it goes. A huge salty tear fell from her eye. As I went to wipe her tears, she coughed and began to hyperventilate. In a panic to try to ease her pain, I began to breathe very heavily. I didn’t know what to do. I longed to help her because she was hurting and it kills me because I couldn’t take her pain away. But in her last moments, she held my hand and I calmed down. When my mini panic attack stopped, I felt a tight squeeze around my hand, then her hand went limp. And in a long piercing beep, my munchkin was gone.
A few days later, her funeral service had arrived. I didn’t go. I couldn’t build the strength to get out of bed. I stared up at my ceiling and I tried my best to build the courage to say one last good-bye to my angel. I couldn’t do it. Something was telling me to stay in bed. I couldn’t get up. Hours passed and yet nothing was different. Time had felt like it was slowing down and everything stopped. Everything hurt. My head, my body, my heart. I just wanted my munchkin back. I know she was in an immeasurable amount of pain, but I wish she didn’t have to go. I wish she could have gotten better and we still could’ve had our future together. And it took a few days for me to realize that maybe my pain wasn’t because I lost her, but because I didn’t properly say good-bye.
I still couldn’t decide on whether or not I should actually go to her grave. Something was telling me that I shouldn’t. But my heart was telling me to say my final farewells. I pulled myself out of bed and grabbed the hoodie I gave her as she was dying. I walked out the door with no idea about how I even felt. I wasn’t sure. I just didn’t want to hurt anymore.
With my head low, I approached the black stone. “Jamie. I think you are beautiful. I love you. I am happy you aren’t in pain anymore. I miss you a lot.” Holding my hoodie in my hand, I kissed it and draped it over the stone. I’ve never done this before. I wasn’t quite sure what I should say. “Jamie, show me a sign. I don’t understand why it hurts so bad. Is it because I never got a proper goodbye? If u died loving me, Show me a sign please.” I looked at the the hoodie one last time and turned to leave.
The drive home was awful. All I could think about was a sign. Something that would tell me whether or not she loves me still or died loving me or if she loved me at all. Ears ringing, head hurting. I walked into my room, still crying. I threw my keys onto my desk and threw myself back into the comforting sheets of my bed. I reached over to pull a pillow closer and there in my hand was the hoodie. Jamie’s hoodie.