I’d never came out. People asked me why and I didn’t have a real answer. Truly I never wanted too. I wanted to want too. It felt easier. To announce your identity to people, telling them point blank that was it, that was you. But I had no idea what to say. “You’re Bi.” Ryan said that I could say that I was bi, but it wasn’t right. I didn’t feel bi. I liked men, well I like them most of the time. What I wanted to say was that I was bi for her and her only, but I could never say that.
She was draped over my desk chair sketching while I was seated in my bed. I looked at her eyes and how focused her whole body language seemed. It was pointed to the paper she was furiously scribbling on. She had a half smile on her face like she new it would impress me. She handed me the piece of paper and pointed to the sections of her sketch as I admired.
“Do you get it?” She motioned.
“Yes Ryan, it’s hard to miss. Thank you though.” I really was grateful she wanted to talk to me. Ryan got up a swung into her jacket. “Anytime. What are teammates for?” She smiled at me and opened the door. “I’ll see you at Mikki’s!" I hollered back. “For sure” she nodded and then walked out.
The next hour I spent doing my hair, applying makeup, and picking out the perfect “laid back but sexy” outfit. When I walked up the stairs of Mikki’s (my captains) house I saw her and the crew first.
Her slouchy pants fell loosely around her butt. She had on a t-shirt that subtly outlined her shape. Her eyes panned my figure, judging it. I suddenly became well aware of the way my jeans pressed on my extra stomach skin. I could feel the sweat pooling under my arms. Her eyes met mine and she cocked her head then turned toward Tori and muttered something. At the beginning of the year I would have asked “what did you say?” but now I knew they muttered because they had no desire for me to hear. I turned pretending I wasn’t hurt to talk to Mikki. Before I could get a word out I felt a heat walk up behind me. I shifted my weight and saw Tori and Ryan join the conversation. The night passed with shots, music, and yelling. The rest of the team gathered and we danced like our grades were on the line. I wasn’t drunk. I never really was, but Ryan insisted she’d walk me over to my room. Tori and Ryan walked outside first and I slipped on my bomber jacket. As we walked in the cold Ohio air I didn’t know what to say. I filled up the conversation with my stories of dancing and shots that had just happened. Of course she knew I thought. She had to know. I heard Tori and Ryan have a quick hushed conversation, then as we turned to my dorm Tori kept walking.
“Good night” she whistled back as her long legs took her over to her dorm. I looked at her then back at Ryan confused. Ryan and Tori were never apart if they could help it.
“She’s drunk and tired so I’ll meet her home after you are all set.” Ryan touched my shoulder as to ease my woes. I opened the building and then my shaky hands unlocked my door. She probably thought it was all the vodka but the truth was I hated being alone with her. I felt guilty or like I was breaking some kind of rule. I sat on my bed and she looked at me for a couple minutes until she said something. I was so focused on the shape of her lips that I didn’t hear.
“What?” I stammered. “Put on your PJ’s” she said with almost a tone of annoyance. I pulled my sticky jeans off to reveal my black thong. Ryan had seen me completely naked and me her because we took open team showers. It didn’t occur to me until she averted her eyes that it could be weird. I slipped on my white lace shorts as quickly as I could. I attempted to slip my tight shirt off but my hands go locked in the sleeves. I wriggled for a second until I felt Ryan’s hands pulling the black material off my head. I had a lace bralette on and as I would normally pull it off before bed I decided it would be best to leave on so I stuck my t-shirt on top. As I finished slipping on the bralette I felt her hand close around my wrist.
“What happened?” Her soft relaxed voice tightened as she saw the cuts scattered among my wrist. “I cut” I said. She already new I did, but maybe had never seen such fresh cuts. “With what?” her eyes locked with mine. “A razor” I whispered. I pointed to my desk drawer and she opened it. She took the razor head out and then placed it in her pocket. She took down my first aid kit and began to apply Neosporin. The conversation was so simple, and happened so fast but somehow now I felt more conscious then I ever had.
“I’m so sorry” I whispered barely loud enough to be considered audible. She didn’t say anything and sat next to me. I looked at my phone seeing it was 2:30 am. I turned back being ready to tell her Tori was probably waiting but when I turned back her eyes locked with mine. We looked at each other until my reflection in her brown eyes melted. Until her eyes no longer looked like eyes. Her hand was still around my wrist, until I started feeling it climb up. It grazed up my forearm onto my shoulder where I swear she pulled me forward. Maybe I leaned, maybe she did but all of a sudden my face was a breath away and her hands were sliding under my shirt. My lips fit around hers and we were kissing. I melted into her body and felt my fingers trace her abdomen. Her skin was soft but also cold. She had one hand tracing the back of my bralette until it stopped at the clip. She began to slid her other hand down my arm to meet her busy hand at the clip when her fingers squished my Neosporin splattered wrist. She stopped. I stopped. We both new pulling away. She bolted up and readjusted my shirt then grabbed a bandaid and placed it on my wrist.
“Good night Kay.” She looked at my eyes then spun out. I watched her speed walk out of my window, almost running towards Tori’s room. It all had happened so fast. I could still feel the distant press of her fingerprints on my arm. I imagined Tori asking “what took you so long” and Ryan responding “she was really chatty”. I lied on my bed replaying the sensation of her lips on mine until I fell asleep.
The next morning as per usual the team had Sunday breakfast. Tori and Ryan sat across from each other one person over from me. I looked at Ryan but she never looked back.
“Crazy night” Tori exclaimed.
“Yeah, crazy night” Ryan agreed. Stevie was empty so I got up to go make a waffle. I could feel someone shuffle behind me. Once we disappeared behind the wall Ryan pulled me by the same wrist. “Kay I...” “Stop” I interrupted. “Thanks for taking care of me” I stated blankly. “Nothing happened” I whispered as I saw our teammates walk toward us. Ryan looked both relieved an pained “Nothing” she whispered. I walk towards the waffles and heard Tori say something. “What’s her deal?” She snarked.
“I heard she made out with someone at the party” Ryan responded. Out of the periphery of my eye I saw Ryan move backwards. “Who” Tori gasped. Ryan shrugged, looked at me and then moved toward Tori as she walked in the direction of the table. I touched my wrist still warm and bit my lip.
“Nothing” I whispered.
“Probably no one.” I heard Ryan utter in the distance.