Points of View | Teen Ink

Points of View

March 30, 2018
By Anonymous

If one of us was the hero and one of us the villain, could you honestly tell who was what? If you were the villain, would you be more afraid of yourself or me? Would you be afraid of the fact that I’ll slay you or will you be afraid of the person you’ve become? Perhaps both. Yeah, you seem to be the kind of person who would definitely be afraid of both, but of course you’d never admit that. If you were the villain you wouldn’t kill, you’d rebel against the world, but in the most gruesome way you can think of, just to get people to see the ‘truth’ and perhaps you’ll be right but nobody will believe you. Everyone would see you as an outlaw and everyone else as just another victim to this “big trap” you are setting. If you were the villain, you would force others to think outside of the box because you believe we all trap ourselves inside our own heads and that this, thinking outside the box, is the only way we can get ourselves to be set free.

If I was the hero, I’d kill you in some over the top dramatic way and I’d be laughing over all the old jokes we used to share and then I’ll end up laughing over the fact that you’re dead because who would have thought that people actually die at the hands of another person, who would have thought it wasn’t all in my head, who would have thought that death was real? And then I’d become the villain because I’d get a spark of curiosity on why you became in love with evil in the first place and then I’ll realize I was the villain all along, and I’ll laugh because that’s always been oblivious to me.

If you were the hero, you would do more than just rescue people, you would save everyone. You wouldn’t kill me unless it was completely necessary, until the very last minute, and you would’ve tried to find the good in me because you don’t believe that everything I am is my worse. You believe I can change. You believe everyone has the chance of changing, and you’ll give way too many chances. If you were the hero, you would do more than the everyday rescuing. You would speak about things other people are afraid to speak of because you see the importance in them. Things you know people need to hear but never can because nobody is ever there to say them. You would be that person.

If I was the villain I’d question everything you do. I’d make you question yourself. I’d make you want to give up. I’d twist your words into lies, turn you against yourself, and make you wonder why you ever even tried. But I’d listen every single time you say that I can change because the sound of your voice is alluring, because I’ll wonder if it’s true or just another lie to distract me so that I’d fall into your trap of comfort. Comfort you say you can give, but that I am afraid of receiving. Comfort that I long for. And I’m stubborn so I’ll refuse to listen to the fact that you might just be right, that if only I made an effort I could change and be okay and that I can breathe, and that that is something I actually deserve despite the fact that I barely feel like it.

You’d save me. You really would. I would deny it and deny it because deny, deny, deny is what my perfectionist mind tells me to do. Deny, deny, deny, until the whole thing just becomes some long overplayed inside joke. And I won’t stop until we are both laughing way to hard and you forget the whole situation that I’d been trying to deny because that’s who I am. I don’t want you to remember my mistakes and so I’ll force us to laugh until I can convince myself you have forgotten. Because even if you haven’t, if I can just convince myself, I can pretend that you have. So when I tell you I want to be the villain and you can be the hero, please know I’ve thought this through for hours at a time. I’m trusting you to save me. I believe in you the way I always have, and you know how hard it is for me to do that. I trust that you won’t let me drown. I believe in us. In the end, it’s not about me learning to depend on someone else. It’s about being afraid of letting go of the past. I’m trying to do this now, with this faith I’m putting in you. We’ll make it through together.

The author's comments:
I began this story during an anxiety attack I was having at school when I couldn't focus on my work. I was trying to ground myself and because writing is the thing I always go to, I wrote this. I later entered it in a competition at my local library and the librarian running the contest suggested I sent it here, even though I didn't win. That was a few months ago and after all that time this still feels like one of the best and strangest pieces I've ever wrote.

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