Have you ever felt like you couldn’t be happy, like there was always something missing and you just couldn’t figure out what that something was. I can because that's my story.
I’m Natalie Hill and I suffer from severe clinical depression. Depression can be very scary, some days you just can't find yourself getting out of bed. You have major anxiety and apathy all the time. I just can’t find my way out of all the worrying and hurt. It just wouldn’t stop, until I met Aria.
I always thought of myself as not good enough or I just couldn't do anything right. All I could do was hope that someday there would be this magical miracle that would make me better. I did want to get better, I just didn't know how. I have had severe depression since I was thirteen and I’m sixteen now.
Anxiety hit me like a truck, I started losing my appetite and constantly had a high elevated heart rate. I could feel the pounding in my chest every morning when the thought of going to school came up. The thought of disappointing people and not being good enough for anyone. No one truly understood how hard it was for me until I started going to support group and talked about my feelings with people that were going though the same thing as I was.
The first day of support group was dreadful listening to people story’s one after the other all of them seemed the same. Until Aria shared her story. It wasn’t like any of the others that I listen to that day. There was something about the way she explained it and how things happened.
Aria’s mom left when she was thirteen. She said she didn't really understand why but she was told it was for the best. Aria felt alone when she was living with her father, she didn’t have anyone to talk to. Her dad truly didn't care for her so she was on her own. Aria started failing school and started getting bullied by people at school. She dreaded going to school so she would pretend to be sick so she could stay home. Her dad later then found out that she was faking and got very angry with her. He couldn’t stand the thought of her faking and disobeying her all this time. He told her that she was a terrible daughter and he wishes he was more like her sister that passed away in a car crash when Aria was five.
Aria’s story really moved me and I realized that she has gone through a lot worse than me between her mom leaving and her sister passing away. I realized that I should be thankful that I haven't gone through nearly as much as her. Yes, I was getting bullied and have major anxiety attacks but I never lost anyone close to me let alone two people like Aria.
This brought me to realize that you can get better. You don't always have to be like this, you can bring yourself out of it. Aria did it, that means so can I. The next day of support group I really listened. I was so determined to figure out how to change. Be a better person I don't want to be this Natalie anymore. I want to be happy and normal again, go back to doing things I love.
I asked my mom if I could go to therapy to help me fix things and and bring my heart rte back down. The next day I went and they told me all of these exercises that I can do to calm my stress and bring my heart rate down. Some of the things were to breath in for 5-8 seconds and then exhale for 3-5 seconds to bring my heart rate down. To relieve my stress they said I should try yoga and meditation whenever i’m feeling stressed out. I really think meditation relieves my stress because it clears all my bad thoughts that keep me awake and night and replace them with good things that will come out of of this hard work to get rid of my depression. It really was working until I decided to go back to school.
My first day back in a two months wasn’t so good. Everyone whispered and laughed in their friend groups as I passed. I knew that I shouldn’t listen to them, but I just had to acknowledge the fact that people are saying things. As I walk down the hall I hear things left and right about how I shouldn't have came back because no one likes me anyway, and I don’t deserve to be here anymore I’m just a waste of space.
After school was support group. Not many people in my school go but somehow everyone found out what happened with me today, and they all had something to say. Aspecilly Araia.
“ These kids don't have any respect for anyone. They always have to get into what is going on with people's lives no matter how hard you try to stay out of it. They always find ways to bully you and bring bad memories back to the surface,” said Aria.
Mr. Jones asked, “ Why do you think these kids do this to people? Why do you think they involve themselves into things they don't need to be involved in?”
Paisley answered, “Mr Jones they do these things because they don't have anything better to do. They are just a bunch of stuck up kids that have no life.”
Mr Jones said, “That isn’t always true, Paisley, kids tend to bully because they don’t have good lives outside of school. They are mean because it makes them feel better because they get power from bullying and putting someone else below them.”
Now suddenly everything makes sense. Just because these kids are bullying me doesn’t mean it’s true .I believed everything they've said since day one but now not so much. Everyone is perfect just the way they are and no one should be able to tell you otherwise. Yeah you may think oh I’m not pretty enough or I’m too fat or too skinny- but that doesn’t matter in the long run.
You should love you for you!
Get excepted as you and if people don’t except you -than just know that they are missing out on a very amazing person.
They next day I went to school and was proud of who I was. Suddenly, I realized that I don’t need to care what people think. I went to school with a positive mindset that today was going to be a good day.
That is just what it was, a good day.
Nobody said anything about me- in fact nothing at all.
That’s all it takes.
I now know you can't get over depression without wanting it to go away. You can’t just sit there and say oh today is the day that I'm going to overcome depression.
That’s not how it works. You have to want it to go away and you truly have to work hard and do things to overcome it.
Aria’s story was an inspiration. She made me want to get out of bed and go back to school and be normal again. So that is what I did and I’m sticking to it because that’s what today was.
A good day.
That is what everyday should be.
Yes there are bad days, but not everyday has to be bad if you truly try and want to get better-
That's how it works.