Think Twice

March 26, 2018

 I skipped a full month of school from being in and out of the hospital. Soon enough after dealing with the worst pain of my life, not being able to breathe, the doctors explained that I have lung cancer.  It seemed unreal, I questioned what caused this and I texted my best friend Violet asking her if smoking could have caused this while sitting in the same room as my crying mother.               

I've only smoked about 15 times in my life and that's only when I was with Violet. Her parents never seemed to notice her stealing them off the table, her parents never noticed anything for that matter. Violet’s father is a drunk with anger issues and has mentally and physically abused Violet for years when her mother wasn't around, Which seemed to be often due to her job constantly traveling. Violet has a temper herself and I can still her screaming WINTER at the top of her lungs while I was playing near the railroad tracks a few months ago.
All my life I lived by the “you only live once” motto, it seemed to help Violet cope with her life so I started living by those four words soon after my parents divorce. Sausalito is a small town in California, Im wearing my favorite light holy American Eagle jeans and my skin feels exposed due to the breeze coming through the cracked window, It's only May and it should be getting warmer but today feels mildly cold outside. April is my mother’s name, Im hearing it repeatedly through the phone as my mother is on the phone with my father while I poke at the rips in my jeans.


Screaming matches, something I do a lot with my mother on my “free time” ever since the divorce last November I've never really had free time for myself. 


I know way more about my parents divorce than Max does, even though Max is only eight years old and shouldn't know all the things that my father did, he knows enough to despise him. I feel the same way as Max but much deeper than he does, I can hear him yelling and getting upset with my mother over the phone blaming it on her and not paying attention to me. Ive hated my life ever since November 14th, If I was to die would it matter?
After a long ride home with my mother, I asked how we would break the news to Max? How's he going to feel? Do I go back to school? What will people say? I had so many questions, the biggest thing going through my mind was will dad be around more? Now that It's Possible I could die? Am I dying?


Why would my parents be fighting over me having cancer?
Violet’s mother was going away for a month and more than anything I wanted to see my best friend. She came over as fast as she could, with so much to say about her mother leaving but she didn't say anything.
We left, we went for a drive, a long drive. The type of car ride that was mostly silent but wasn't awkward, nothing was ever awkward between us. I thought about something that inside made me wonder if it was possible, but on the outside I guess I had a weird facial expression because Violet asked me what I was thinking about. I told her nothing but she made me spill it, I told her in a fast tone and a very quiet voice that we should run away. Somehow she heard every word I said because she gave me this smile like grin that i've never seen before, anything that's crazy  she's down for doing. She is that girl, She's the crazy one out of us. That's why she has me, to talk sense into her, I'm not sure if she'd even alive right now if I wasn't there helping her through everything. She lives for me and I live for her. I knew my father would be moving back in until I got better, I didn't want or like the thought of that. I told Violet that I have almost 2,000 dollars in saving bonds for emergency, this could be a emergency she said. For god sakes you have cancer does it matter if we use it? How do you even know that you will be alive to spend it in the future? I don’t I said, I called my mom and told her I was going to go back to Violet’s and that i'm coming home to grab a few things.


There he was, standing in the door waving at me as I got out of the car,  Violet being herself waves her princess wave at him. He hugged me and told me he loves me. Crazy, I thought wow you love me? After months of not answering or reaching out you love me now? Silly how life really works, how people start caring when something bad happens or goes wrong. Why can't people always care? I gave my dad a small side hug, making it clear that I had something to do. He followed me into my room, walking behind me acting like he’s been there for me all this time, reached out or even bothered knowing anything about my life. I got my stuff, packed as much as my bag could hold and gave my mom a hug and left.
I had no idea where I was going after I got the money and I had no idea what would happen to my body. This was more of a suicide mission than it was running away, I know once I was to die Violet wouldn't last much longer without me.  We got to my bank, Zions Bank, was the name of it, I felt as if I should try to remember as much as I could and soak all the life I could get in. I got all the money all 2,000 of it, all I had to do was give them my name and basically say how much I wanted, crazy how little they care about anything. Everything I needed and would need was laying there on Violet’s dashboard, We are both insane aren't we? Leaving everything behind, not caring about the cancer growing and the fury our parents will be in once they realize we aren't coming back.

         

We thought we should stop and rest so we went into the nearest best western, cheap and clean, they gave free breakfast too Win/Win.
     A few days passed by about three and we were in and out only spending the night but still paying, leaving in the morning and adventuring the roads and they life around us. Told my parents that I was spending about a few at Violet's house after the second day passed and they kept bugging me about where I was. I had meds to help with the pain, I wasn't focusing on the pain though. Hard not to but I would just pop my pills that were prescribed to me by my doctor who is quite  the airhead because I'm sure I won't need a refill for a long time.
    

A few more days passed by and the pain eventually became something pills couldn't help, I cried so much. I remember screaming at Violet and her walking out of our room, exploring the hotel to get away from me.
  

I love Violet more than anyone in my life and our fight didn't last long maybe one hour? I'm not sure, all I know is that she's doing okay now.


I've been watching over her for a few weeks now, I got reunited with my grandparents. They tell me that I'm stupid and now I know that maybe I was. That saturday night when Violet and I left the hotel late at night to go cruising around the town, was the biggest mistake i've ever made in my whole life. We crashed that's all that God will tell me, I didn't make it out alive obviously. Violet did, she also lives with my parents now since she came out about her father abusing her. Max is glad to have someone that was so close to me around him, everyone is.
      

Was my life really worth the few days of serious real freedom from everything bad in my life and family. No it really wasn't , life is short but some risks aren't worth it.  Thinking about everything I was doing at the time wasn't something I cared for doing, I regret everything I did from the day I left, this was a real life lesson that made the worst and biggest impact on me.
              

Think before you do something risky… it's not worth it.






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