I looked out the window up at the blackened sky consisting of many luminous stars. It is truly amazing how something so dark could be so beautiful. My mind was all over the place that day. My brain was scattered with words of hatred and sadness. Deep down I knew that I was still kind hearted Carleigh that I was sophomore year. I believed that somehow becoming my old self again was still possible. I would often reminisce about the old me. Sophomore year my heart was filled with joy. I was the girl that would light up any room like a shiny light bulb. When I was diagnosed with clinical depression junior year my life changed completely. My blue skies turned to black sophomore year. As for me.I turned from an innocent warm hearted princess to a hopeless rowdy drunk.
I was lying there sprawled out on my warm and cozy bed. My bed was my only true comfort place.I remember feeling trapped in my depression as if i was locked in a jail cell surrounded by demons.The next day was a really big day for me. My mom and jerky step dad were going on vacation for a business trip. Surprisingly my mom said i could stay home alone as long as I promised to be good. I guess you could say I felt guilty knowing that i was going to go against her request. Being socially accepted was the only thing that seemed to matter to me then. The only way I found any happiness was escaping reality by drinking alcohol. I never wanted to be a lady with bad habits when i was younger.I was just trying to get rid of the agony that haunted me.My demons followed me every step that id take.They would whisper words of hate into my ear. Everyone in my school was looking forward to the huge party I was going to throw. I picked out my outfit a week before that thursday and I went out to buy expensive makeup ,making sure that i would look cute. I fished through my jewelry box to grab my favorite necklace at the time which was my locket. I kept it empty because I didn't have good enough pictures to place inside. I walked to the bathroom like a washed out zombie to run through my nightly routine. The basic brushing my teeth , taking off my makeup, and combing my long straight coal black hair. I jumped into my fluffy bed and headed off to sleep. I closed my eyes and aggressively counted sheep.
The next day was my grand and special day. When I arrived to school that morning everyone was chanting my name as if I was some kind of queen.The screams pierced through my ears and shook my body. It seemed that people were only excited to come to my party that night because there was going to be booze. Sad to say but i really enjoyed the attention at the time. I aimlessly walked to class half asleep due to the lack of sleep the night before. Class took so long that day because all I could think about was the party. I glared at the clock and slammed my head on my desk to proceed my nap. I often had naps in class where id wake up in a pool of drool. People would often tell me that one day i would drown in my drool.
When I got home I invited over my best friend Miranda to help me set up music and decorations. When she got there we hugged and danced around my house singing along to our favorite pop songs. In my left hand i held my tv remote as a microphone .I sung my heart out at the remote.I'm so thankful she is in my life still to this day. She was the only person that lights up my dark soul. I felt that way about Jackie too she was such a great friend of mine and we did almost everything together. I ran upstairs to start getting ready. I did my makeup slowly and carefully outlining every detail of my eye and setting my face with my favorite reddish brown lipstick. Miranda did my hair because she was an awesome hairstylist.We started deep talking about life and why we act the we do.She straightened ever strand of my hair with care and caution. By 6pm people started showing up. I heard obnoxious door bangs and screams at my front door.I ran downstairs rolling my eyes in my tight pink dress as miranda followed me. We opened the door together and greeted all of the guests. Some of the people that showed up I never seen before in my life. I didn't know how i felt about it. Even with hesitation I still let them inside.One by one boys and girls barreled in. Then came Miranda and I’s best friend Jackie. Jackie was a kindhearted girl but she had clinical depression like me and she had worse habits than mine. Me and Miranda personally felt very bad for her as much as we loved her. She was a thin frail girl with light brown hair and blue eyes. She was a very pretty and quiet girl. We both hugged her and walked her in. All three of us got into deep conversation about stereotypes. It seemed like millions of people were coming until soon my house was completely fully every corner except the off limit rooms. Which was my mom's room and my room. I had to start rejecting people at the front door. I was not having any fun just standing in front of the door so i put up sign telling people no more entry. I went back inside and started dancing and drinking with everyone. My vision was starting to blur and i was slowly getting drunk. Being a complete lightweight i got drunk easy. Miranda skipped to me and whispered in my ear informing me that Jackie was drinking way too much and acting a little reckless. I shook it off and walked to the kitchen to get some chips and dip. I noticed how a bunch of people were playing catch with my mother's favorite vases. I screamed at them to stop but when i did it startled them and they dropped my mother's vase on the floor. My heart dropped to my stomach as i watched the vase fall and shatter all over the ground. Trying to hide back all my tears i shooed them away and kicked them out of my house. I was trying so hard to hold back the tears because i knew my mom was going to flip and i felt completely guilty. I then sprinted up the steps to my room and Miranda followed me up spreading comforting words through the air. She always knew how to make me feel better. Her favorite method of making me feel better was making me laugh. And boy did she know how to do that.
Just when i thought nothing could get any worse i heard screeching and crying come from the basement. We jumped up from the bed and bolted down two flights of stairs. People were crowded around the center of the room holding each other with gasping gazes of fear and sadness. When i caught a glance at the center of the circle it was our Jackie stretched out on the floor eyes wide open with no pulse. Jackie was pronounced dead at that moment. My emotions ran wild and I began to sober up just get to drunk off of fear and sadness. One of my closest friends was lying in front of me without a soul. Just a beam of flesh on my basement floor. Vomit surrounded her and extended all over the floor. The cries began to get louder. When people started to realize the consequences they were going to face people started leaving at a very fast pace. Sad to think they were going to leave this devastating situation of losing a member of their school to protect themselves from punishment. Miranda and i sat there in tears holding each other.Miranda called the police and they rushed over immediately. When the cops and medics walked in me and Miranda were holding Jackie in a bed of tears . My life felt practically over at that moment . I knew I should’ve never threw the party but I still did. Not only did I kill my bestfriend but I betrayed my mom. I believed that when she’d find out she would be devastated and bring me years of torture and punishment. Personally I recall being perfectly okay with my consequences because I knew I deserved it. My mom was being sued for the incident happening in her household. In Pittsburgh the sueing rules were very common. I was completely and utterly mortified to explain to my mom everything I did and what happened to Jackie. When I finally called her that night she started to scream so loud through the phone that her voice shook my bones till they ached. She was forced to come home from vacation immediately to deal with my mess. People at school wouldn’t talk to each other due to the sadness. I was in desperate need of happiness but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I lived with that guilt and hatred. It seemed my clinical depressions was worsening. Before I knew it I was broken girl covered in wounds that got up and just went through the life routine without any expression at all. My depression got a million times worse. The demons haunting me tripled in amount.Now they all followed me wherever i walked.I knew that there was hope for Jackie’s family. Even though i felt close to death I knew there had to be hope for me.
It is now June 17 2020 and I’m looking back on all my mistakes . I’m happier now and I grew into a strong woman. In honor of Jackie Hanes I filled my locket necklace with two pictures of her. I can now wear her around my neck anywhere I go. I love you Jackie Hanes. The demons have left . They do not haunt me anymore. I can truthfully say i am happy with who i am. I can treat my mom the way she deserves to be treated. I can love all the people i have hurt unconditionally. The only thing i cannot replace is Jackie Hanes life. All i can do now is life the life she deserved to live. Cry for her , laugh for her, marry for her, and turn to ash for her.I will continue your legacy Jackie.