I feel the pressure. The second hand on the clock stares at me with a mocking grin, you’ll never make it you loser. I know there’s a chance I won’t. I turn back to the paper filled with symbols and numbers that make no sense to me. I stare intently, hoping that the answer will jump out at me. I copy important looking numbers and hope that somehow the problem will solve itself. I look up quickly at the clock, time’s running out stupid. I glance down again. I make a few more scribbles with the last hope I have. My anger comes out as I tap my pencil ferociously on the small lecture hall desk. I peek at the clock again, 10 more minutes why didn’t you study more? I flip through the test expecting to find solutions printed on the pages. With no hope, I squeeze my eyes shut and bite my lip hard. There was nothing left for me to do. I look around the hall and see everyone with their heads down, intensely scribbling. I feel the urge to cry, but I hold it in. I look up again at the clock, just turn it in there’s nothing else you can do idiot. I let out a sigh. The dim lighting in the lecture hall gives me an ironic sense of peace. I grab my black coat and slip my pencil in the pocket and flip the desk back into place. I sigh again and make my way to the front of the room and hand in my future. I smile bleakly to the test proctor and say thanks as I head out of the hall. Pulling my coat on, I quickly walk down the hall towards the nearest exit. I open the door and a blast of freezing air whips my face. I want to scream. I want to pound my head into a mound of snow. I walk towards the gardens where I know I’ll be alone with my thoughts. I wind my way down and settle on a small bench covered with snow. My coat covers my bottom as I sit sadly. I never knew college would be this hard. In high school, I was the smartest girl. Here, I’m just average. I can barely pass my exams. Why didn’t I study more? I should have asked more questions. I should have… I should have… Why didn’t I… I could’ve… These thoughts filled my mind. I held my head in my hands and I cried. No one told me this would happen in college.
January 1, 2018