What I Never Told You

January 1, 2018
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Hey,
I was never planning on telling you this. I never wanted to because it is something that I’m not really proud to admit, but I feel that I should out of pure honesty, and the fact that I have nothing to lose.
Like all couples, at the start we were picture perfect, and we had no reasons not to be. We were carefree, and for a while were enough for each other. And then we weren’t. The guy I thought I knew wasn’t there anymore. Instead of romantic outings and late night talks, I was cast aside and alone. My issues weren’t important enough for you to care about, and we fell into this routine of arguing, making up, making out, then arguing again.
Then I saw him, the boy with the pale eyes. I had a crush on him about a year before I met you, but we never got farther than awkward hellos and random compliments. There he was staring back at me, a sheepish grin hidden behind a book. I couldn’t help but grin in return. That simple smile gave me a rush I hadn’t felt before. His cheeks turned a deep red as he cast his gaze, trying to pretend to be reading the book in front of him, but I knew from the quick glances that the book was the last thing on his mind. That day, I knew that the spark we once shared was beginning to grow.
It became our delicious secret. Every brush of the hand or stare from across the room felt as scandalous as a kiss. We never dared to be seen alone for too long, rumors spread like wildfires, but he lingered around just long enough to make me want more. Each word exchanged was doused in desire of what we knew we couldn’t have. My heart fluttered as I watched that sly grin spread across his face, and for the first time in months I laughed big heaving laughs that made my stomach ache.
He gave me an adventure, something you never did. I was being suffocated by routine and settling when showed me new places, broadened my intelligence, and talked about subjects that made me think rather than count down minutes. He’s athletic, and his jokes were never a the expense of others. When you brought me to tears he was the one who’s shoulder they fell on. When you didn't have time to talk he was always there to surprise me with interesting facts, and he thought all my words were worth a response. He thought they mattered.
My heart no longer belonged to you. It did once, but I took it back when I realized it was getting used. Instead, it belonged to him. My fingered longed to know what it’d feel like to run them through his hair, just once. I wanted to know what his heartbeat sounded like with my head resting on his chest, and what his eyes looked like when he stared at the stars. But I knew I’d never find out, and that only made me want him more.
Weeks later, miles away from you,he finally kissed me. His lips light against mine, conveyed every unspoken emotion and amplified it ten-fold. We knew it was wrong, we knew it was dangerous, but in that moment it felt so right.That one kiss brought back the sparks that were missing for so long.
But it wasn’t anything more than a kiss, it couldn’t be. We returned to our lives, still taking quick glances. But I could no longer kiss you without feeling his lips against mine, and my heart ached for that spark. I had a taste of freedom and I wanted more.
I knew I had to get away from you, but I didn't know how. But a perfect storm of burning bridges gave me my sweet escape. It wasn’t pretty, I’ll admit, but I meant every word I said. I didn’t want to lose you, but I couldn’t have you either, and because of that we are where we are now; strangers.
I am sorry for not telling you, but I am not sorry for what I did. A bird cannot be trapped in a cage no matter how beautiful. He offered me things you never even dreamed of. His apologies didn’t come with price tags, and most of all he started the flame you smothered months before. Take this information as you will, and do with it what you please. I don’t mind.






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