April 1, 2009
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We walk together down the hallway, each one of us trying not to meet the other’s eye. I’m trying to piece it all together, trying to get everything straight in my mind. Did that really just happen? I can’t help but wonder. Is this really all a nightmare?
We walk together down the hall and everyone stares at us. I bet they’re wondering why we’re both wearing blank stares on our faces. They’re wondering why we aren’t being loud, yelling our greetings at the top of our lungs while we pass familiar faces in the hall. But, how could we when something so devastating had just happened?
We’re walking down the hall, bumping into people as we pass and not even acknowledging it. We can’t acknowledge it. If we let the world in, it will crash all around us.
We’re walking down the hall, ignoring the laughs of our classmates. “How can they be laughing,” I ask myself, “when this tragedy just occurred? How can they be laughing when this thing just happened that I can’t even bring myself to think?”
We’re walking down the hall, and we walk out the door. That’s when we see it; the thing that is going to keep us both up at night. It’s a scene that can only come from the movies.
We walk out the door and into the rain that’s as wet as our tear-streaked faces. We look out and see our friend; the one that was always able to make us laugh. The one that was both childlike and extremely mature at the same time; the type of person that was always looking for the best in people.
And there he was, lying in the street with EMTs surrounding him. All we could do was gape as the EMTs started doing CPR. Then, as quickly as the car that had come down the street just 30 minutes earlier, it was over. The EMTs zipped up the bag that held our friend’s body and left, but what they didn’t know was that it also held the hearts of the two girls that had known that boy best.

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This article has 5 comments. Post your own now!

DaisyC. said...
Apr. 20, 2010 at 9:04 pm
I don't actully think it needs much work. The confused trian of thought fit perfectly for the context.
ShayShay said...
Jun. 24, 2009 at 2:45 am
This was a really good idea, if you worked with it a lil' bit it could be really deeply moving, but I'm right there with you my stories need to be worked with too, lol. Which brings me to my next point. COuld you read my story called "Our Story" I haven't read it yet. I wrote it and then submitted so it is really rough, but I need to work through some rough things before being able to read it and improve it. I just would really like people to give feedback so I can improve it. But yeah... (more »)
AquaGem This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 4, 2009 at 3:07 am
I liked this story a lot. I really like that there was a build of emotion before it was explained. Thanks for leaving me feedback!
daisydee123 said...
May 4, 2009 at 12:13 am
this is very good like ian it needs more descripion but it really kept me hooked it was very sad. very well done . bravo!
Ian_S.TheOrchardofHopeWriter said...
Apr. 28, 2009 at 8:10 pm
It needs a bit of work but I like how you didn't reveal the problem until the end. It gets the reader hooked. I love that you used first person and that you had a voice in the story. At first, I thought that you should have more description and setting-development but then I realized it's a short fiction piece AND that adding more description may take away from the emotion you put into your story. I didn't find any grammar mistakes...You could improve on your vocabulary but you definate... (more »)
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