March 31, 2009
By victoria miller BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
victoria miller BRONZE, Anchorage, Alaska
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

I cannot feel anything now, not even the harsh wind, as it nips at my nose, my ears, as it creeps
up my spine. Is this the feeling of numbness, and is it even considered a feeling? I cant even feel
the beauty of the sky, the colors are red, yellow, blue, and on fire. I have always wanted to be like
the sunset, with beauty so silent, it doesn’t even need to be heard, just watched, and admired. I sit
here so perfectly still out my window, so small, and I feel nothing. At first the emotions hit me like
a furious storm, but now I have blocked them out.

My father was a short guy, only about five feet, six inches tall. He was very good looking when
he was young, always had such an embracing, loving smile, that would force a grin on you. My mother
fell in love with him the very first time she saw him. She was so sure she loved him that she never gave
up on asking him on dates, even after him denying her constantly. Eventually my dad gave in and went
on a date with her. It turned out that my dad fell for her as well. When I came along, everything went bad.
My mother used me as a weapon, dangling me over him like a steak to a dog. She was constantly moving
around the country with me, he barely got to see me at all. My mother always told me it would drive him crazy, and that he loved me more than anything in the world. I was his world. As I grew up I had no relationship with my father. I only spoke with him on special occasions, but as the years dragged on, it seemed that he was less and less interested in me. I learned to only need my mother, until of course, my mother changed. As easy as the blooming of a flower, or the changing seasons, my mother slipped out of
mind. I distinctly remember one night she was screaming at the walls, thinking people were watching her. I remember laying on the couch, crying, and I remember saying goodbye to her, goodbye my beautiful mother, goodbye forever.

I went to live with my Father, his wife, and his two kids. His new family. I was petrified,
I felt like an outsider, like I didn’t belong. When I arrived, my first impression of the family was stable,
and very well adjusted, but just as any other family it had its problems. My father treated my step-mom very poorly, constantly calling her names and beating her down any chance he could. I kept to myself, sat alone
inside my room with my thoughts. I cleaned for them all the time, I had many hard chores, but I always
completed them. I had a lot of anger inside, but I just ignored it. One night, when I asked to go to a friends house and my father denied me, I could not understand. I blew up. All the emotions I kept inside, came up like vomit. My father immediately threw me out of the house, and I’m glad he did. If he wanted me, he would have been there for me, he would have asked me how I was feeling, he would have cared. As soon
as I was a problem, he wanted me erased, he wanted me out, and I was out. If he loved me, he would not
have thrown me away, like garbage, like something that did not matter.

So now, as I sit, my eyes fixed on the cold sky, pain frozen with the numbness of my fingertips, I breathe, I just breathe. There is no one but me, no one in the entire world, but me. I know that I am all I will ever have, I am the only person I can truly rely on, because i am almost one hundred percent positive that I
will not let myself down, I will be strong. I will be strong because I must be. Sometimes I think to myself that in the end, it wont matter, nothing will matter. I’ll be gone, and everything I ever knew or felt will be lost in blackness. I can’t help but think that life is just a lie, something we can’t explain. I cant help but think that nothing in this world matters, but as I stare into this beauty, this chillingly beautiful sky, I know
that there is something telling me to never give up.

The author's comments:
My life.

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