"beep beep beep" I lean over and hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. The number reads 9AM. I take a deep breath and clamber out of bed. Today I turn 16, but to me it is all the same, just another day to get through. I head towards my wardrobe and catch a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror. My mind automatically goes into overdrive. “look at yourself, you are repulsive - so damn fat. And your face, as ugly as a pig! If only you could be like all the other girls...” The alarm goes of again. I walk back over to the clock and switch the alarm off completely this time. “Honey - will you be liking some breakfast today? It would really do you some good?” I feel my heart sink “how about I make you something nice and then there’s always the choice there for you. There’s loads of presents down here waiting!” I could hear the fakeness in her tone of voice drifting up from the kitchen. She wanted to sound happy and normal, but I knew underneath there was nothing but fear and despair. I swallowed and braved myself to say “ok” but it came out the same way in which my mother’s words had. My intention had been to reassure her. Show her that I was ok - that THINGS were ok. I used to actually believe this myself but after Tuesday I am not so sure if I can trick myself anymore. Let me tell you what happened. Last Tuesday the school nurse called me into her room to talk. It was during PE - my fave subject. It was so unfair! Especially on that day, as I had eaten far too much at breakfast. I had felt so guilty. How had I let go of my self control like that? anyway, she told me she wanted to talk in private about something she, and the guidance teacher, had became increasingly concerned about. I smiled a fake, but convincing smile and replied "why are you so concerned miss - I am completely healthy" but deep, very deep inside of me I felt a twinge of doubt. The kind of doubt you get when lying is the only option. When you feel that you are trapped. She looked at me and nodded as though she couldn't quite believe me and proceeded to ask me some questions "are you eating sufficiently?" In my head I remember going through the things I typically eat in a day. When I had come to think about it, it wasn't actually all that much. "it is because I am too fat though. I am on a diet just now. When I am at a better weight things will be good" I told myself. I proceeded to answer her question "yes, I am eating well" It wasn't exactly a lie. I am eating. And I am eating food that is perceived as "good" or "healthy" so therefore I must be eating well. She looked into my eyes as if searching for something, something that I was keeping from her, but I remained silent. "ok then" she said pulling her eyes back out of my mind " then if I can just take your height and weight statistics so that we can check if your BMI is of a healthy range for you to be at optimum health?" The words sunk in. Well, not all of them. Just the height, weight and BMI. My most feared words in the whole English Dictionary, but also words that have brought me my only comfort for quite a while now. I had looked at her and plainly said " I can't" She looked confused and then laughed slightly "of course you can. Is it that you don't want to?" I remember feeling nothing but pure fear. Fear pumping through me. That was when I had screamed. I couldn’t take it any more. I had to get out of that room. I recall suddenly feeling a wave of embarrassment and disgust in myself overtaking the fear. I turned to the nurse and with despair stated “I think I need to go now. Please let me go.” Then I left the room pacily, leaving the nurse scared and confused. I walked straight down the corridors and past the gym were all my classmates would have been laughing and smiling. Having fun. I pushed open the doors at the side of the school and ran. Not from anything, well not from anyone. I think I thought that if I ran hard enough, or fast enough, then maybe my feelings wouldn't be able to catch me up. This was wrong. I continued running till 4 o'clock that afternoon and then had headed back to my house. when I got in through the front door I ran that little bit further up the stairs, straight to my bedroom and closed the door firmly with me safely inside. The scariness of the real world locked out. Looking back on it it seems quite mad " it least you burnt off those extra horrible calories from breakfast" says a voice coming from somewhere. My instinct is to tell it to shut up, but this turns to fear as the horrible reality sinks in. The voice is coming from inside of me! The penny finally drops "aaaaaaaah" I let out a scream but this time it is broken by tears. I feel my body collapse to the ground and I sob. I can hear mum running up the stairs followed by my father shouting "Daisy, Daisy, Are you ok? What's happened?" I look up to see them standing there in my doorway. I feel so lost and alone. I smile one final fake smile and exclaim " I think I need help"
March 29, 2009