Waves

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The sun peaked over the horizon so slowly I was convinced that it might decide to sink below again. I held my breath, watching, hoping that maybe the night could last a little longer.
I spun around to look at him, his face soft and calm. Skin smooth and the pale as the white sand, eyes deep blue, rimmed with black and glassy clear.
“Do you have to go?” I whisper, voice breaking. He smiled disappointedly looking at the light creeping into the beautiful indigo night sky.
“All you asked for was one more night,” he sighed reaching an iridescent hand toward my cheek, I could almost feel it. Pain flooded his face.
“I wish I could make you understand…I wish I could make me understand…” his crystal voice began fading.
What is there to understand anyhow? I though sourly swirling a hole into the damp sand, he would be gone forever after tonight. I would be expected to drag myself back to my yellow beach house bedroom, and pretend that this little vacation was doing exactly what it was meant to…
“Why did you even come back?” I asked bitterly blinking back the emotion that was breaking my exterior.
“You begged God for one more night, didn’t you?”
“Well I was stupid, and God isn’t supposed to give into stupid demands…” The indigo was lightening into lavender every second. He walked in front on me, his ankles and feet disappearing into the water, he kneeled down where I was sitting.
“Can you ever forgive me?” he begged. “I wanted to help you understand that I didn’t leave you, I’m right here.”
“For now…”
“Forever, as long as you need me…” he reached his hand and held it right before it would disappear into my chest. “Do you need me?” his eyes were the only part of him not half absorbed by the sun.
“Always,” I sobbed. He smiled closed his eyes and let his hand fall into my chest.
“I love you…” his voice echoed but he was gone, the sun had taken him. I sobbed and my heart ached, filled to the brim with an agony that was stronger then ever. I collapsed backward into the sand and peered at the sun as it rose higher and higher…I have never had such a disdain for any object ever in my life... and God, why would he do that to me, give someone what they want only when it will make them feel an even greater loss then before… He seemed unusually cruel to me…
My heart gave a nasty jab, but I didn’t move, not even when the waves started crashing onto me. I ignored the sun, the freezing sting that the water induced, and the agony that each heartbeat caused.
When the sun was finally unbearable I forced myself up practically crawling, grabbing and groping the ground in front of me to get myself back to the house. I didn’t make it inside, I dragged my body onto a cheap plastic lounge chair that sat outside and allowed myself, gasping for every painful breath to fall asleep out of pure weakness, right there with the sun slicing like razors, to fall asleep. It was a numb sort of sleep, the kind that the world was merciful enough to allow you to have when the pain you experience when you are awake is so cruel. When I woke it was night again but I wasn’t on a lounge chair anymore, I was curled into a ball on a bed that was not my own a heavy black coat covering me. My eyes we swollen I could feel it, and my nose was runny and gross. It appeared that regardless of my sleep the agony did not cease.

“Drink the water on the table,” a low voice grumbled.

“Why,” I croaked, my throat stung and I suddenly understood, I reached out and took three large gulps, throat stinging with each one.

“I thought you were doing better,” the voice said. I turned, a young man with sun tanned skin and a shaggy mop of chestnut hair hanging around his soft disheartened face. His eyes were piercing through me, not because of any anger, just sheer disappointment and pain of his own. I forced myself up and hung my head a little.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“It’s not you’re fault,” he spat, “you have every right to be miserable, I was just under the false impression you were starting to get over what happened…making progress.”

“Like you?”

“I wasn’t calling you weak, he wasn’t my…”

“I know.” I said quickly.

“I promised your mom I’d take care of you, how would it have looked if you would have drowned out there at night?”

“Conner, I don’t know how I can make that up to you. I’m-”

“Sorry? Yeah I know. Do you need anything?” he sighed voice returning to somewhat of a normal tone.

“Nah, I’m okay,” I mumbled running my fingers through my knotted and salt-caked hair. “I might go take a shower, and then maybe I can work on making up for being stupid last night.”

He raised one eyebrow took hold of my arm and helped me toward the bathroom. The hot water poured over me, I could feel every drop of water grasping me and pulling me closer to a level of sanity I was used to. Last night had been a dream, a miserable, cruel dream. Still I could almost feel him forcing my heart to keep beating, I could see his eyes forcing mine to continue to see. When I finally felt the last grain of salt and sand fall off my body and into the drain, I stepped out wrapping myself into one of the fluffy towels I had bought for the trip. It was warm from sitting by the sunny window, and I inhaled deeply searching for a scent, I didn’t find one, just the ocean breeze air freshener that was sitting on top of the toilet tank. I hung my head again, when would I become less pathetic? When would I grow a backbone for the people around me? I wasn’t the only one in pain, wasn’t the only one agonizing every second about what I could have done to stop this. I stared up at the door, stomach sinking; it wasn’t fair that Conner held me and himself up at the same time.

Conner who had followed me and him around, ignoring how we ignored him when we were together, he was so level headed, rarely did he even complain. Not even then as I almost forced him to endure another loss. I walked silently back to my own room and dressed, holding myself up and together on my own for the first time in months. My heart, where the gaping gash usually burned warmed just a bit, maybe he really was there somehow. After taking another few gulps of water I swept my wet hair into a hair tie, and took a long look in the mirror, I was still a bit of a ghost, but I was recognizable. I had to be I suppose, enough was enough. I picked my purse up from the bed, and walked into the sitting where Conner had been waiting. His hair was brushed, less ragged looking and he stood quickly, when he saw me. My heart purred as I looked into his attentive eyes.

“Are you still up to going out?” he asked.

“I think I am,” I said confidently without trying. His lips twitched as he gestured for me to walk ahead of him and out the door. The sea breeze swept across my neck and for the most solitary moment I heard that very familiar voice

This is what you want, it whispered. Turn around





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