Saving and taking a life

By , franklin, WI

Saving and taking a life
When you sign the papers, it's almost as if you're signing your life away. Watch everything you worked for disappearing, nothing matters anymore. You now belong to your Sargent. My mind is racing, I have so many questions but as weird as it is I was more concerned if I was gonna be alone, Am I ever going to get married? Will I lose my family? Will I die alone? What's going to happen to me? In my own opinion, no one will know the feeling of being sent off by yourself. Unless of course, you're signing as well.
I'm one to understand reality, I know how people actually are, I gave up on people a long time ago, but can you can't honestly blame me. The person I was with almost all my life one day woke up and decided he didn't love me anymore. That to me brings down everyone's scale but I guess I really can't relate one situation in my life on everyone else. But I'm not, to make things better or to make me seem like a better person, with everything going on around me, people I've known for years starting to do drugs. It's as if drugs are becoming the new reality. But that's not it, more people are getting murdered or using people like their paper, easily torn garbage. I need to leave and fast. I knew the setbacks but I didn't care at this point. People are just in general selfish ass holes and I'm done with it. Might as well fight for the country and protect my family. You're probably thinking why would you fight for people you don't care about you and honestly it's because I still love my country and this is what I think will be the good choice for me.
Basic.. God, what am I going to do? My parents are terrified I'm going to die. I guess in a way I could, I did sign for the most dangerous job in the army. But it's just basic as for now. I'll be fine, I keep telling myself that but what's really going on in my head is, am I going to make a fool of myself? Or will I not be good enough? Am I good enough? Was this a bad idea? Did I just mess up my whole life? Was this an Impulsive decision? What the hell did I just do? I had, in general, the best support you can get when you sign your life away. Literally, I could get killed any day and I just signed for that to be ok. I figured no one loved me enough to stop me. This is the best I'll get out of life. Think of the positives, I'll get to travel the world and save innocent people who deserve to live.
This isn't a happy story so I hope you weren't expecting a romantic love novel on how I found the one and tried to be with him. Don't get me wrong I knew the perfect one even though I got my heart ripped out, I still saw hope in finding "the one", but man was I wrong. Felt worse than getting shot the first time but we can get back to that later. My life has been a repeat of f*** ups. All started off with coming to a new school, got bullied since day one but it just made me tougher, I guess…. Then I found the love of my life in 6th grade, we dated till my junior year in high school. Then he left me saying he just didn't feel the same way. All my friends left me for drugs. Oh, and my family thinks I'm depressed trying to kill myself and infantry was the closest I can get that from. Well, F*** all of you. Now It's time for me to walk away and move on. When my 6th grade love left me, I realized people are selfish and don't care about anyone but themselves might as well join that party.
Love, what even is it. Thought I knew, but man I was wrong. F***, F***ing f***. I could say f*** all day but I know my boundaries, I'd get punish from my sergeants. You see, the military takes no "babies". One night I actually had no energy to hold my feeling back, so I went to a park and balled my eyes out. I said nothing and didn't try to talk to anyone, I just cried. It was pathetic. When things couldn't get worse, this is the night where I thought maybe people cared still. He showed up, the one guy that meant a lot to me but I never saw anymore then a friend. This night I actually saw him in a different way. Well s*** because he didn't feel the same way. This is when I realized life was cruel. He sat there that night and held me. The legendary Chris Leg, here the rescue the mess of a person. Chris didn't know but he just made life worse for me. I thought he was there to pick up the broken pieces but how can someone just as broken as me, help me fix me. His gentle hug and caring words numbing my brain from the wrenching pain. "Don't be fooled", I told myself but I couldn't help it, he was like my prince charming, it made sense. We've known each other since day 1. It would have been a truly romantic story. But that all went to waste after a month of constant care. He pretty much told me that we couldn't be together. It alright because he was the last thing holding me back from truly an amazing act.
Let's fast forward after basic to Iraq, at fort bend. I was deployed here after basic and college to help the city. I know this will sound crazy but infantry was the best decision I've ever made. One day, the day that has completely changed my life - so be excited -  we were walking through the town, doing our normal. Raging people's houses checking for bombs. Nothing new but we had no idea that people were angry with our troop. Let's just be nice and say very f***ing bad people. Piece of s***s killed me. Yup surprise, I'm actually dead haha sorry for not telling you sooner. We were surprised attacked. To be honest my main concern is the family I saved. I saw something wasn't right. I saw a mother and her kids outside playing. I heard bullets coming in my direction like a herd of angry bulls. I knew s*** was about to go down. I Screamed everyone takes cover. They were shooting everyone they passed. I grabbed the mother and kids and hid them away with my equipment. I ran out to distract them, shooting without even looking but all of sudden, I felt my heartbeat dropped and all my good memories started to fade away and all I could hear was thank you for your service.
I knew I did what I came here for. I knew my family would miss me. I knew my one friend that I had left was gonna be missing me. But I knew I came here to do what I was supposed to do. I'm a life saver and a world changer. Not that I changed the world but I could of. I wanted to share my story because I wanna let people know that yes my life was a big pile of s*** but at the end, I wouldn't wanna change a thing. I saved a family which I know is thankful for me being there. If I wasn't they would have died. I'll never forget this day. But remember when I said this isn't a happy ending well damn here comes another shocker. I could see my family and friends and no one knew I was dead yet. My mom had the date when I was supposed to come home circled which was in a week and she had an invitation to my surprise party home welcome party on her desk. The sad part about this is they won't find out me being dead for another month. Too much paperwork for the army to rush to my home and tell my family I wasn't going to be there for them. So tell me the worst part because I can't figure it out. That one my biggest fear came true, I died alone or that my family and friends are going to be at this party and the main guest was never going to show. You tell me which part is worst because I have to stay on earth and watch my whole life get completely shattered.  If this wasn't clear, my last task before I could go to heaven was to finish my business which you don't get to decide you're soul does. My soul is f***ed up. It made me watch my family wait at the doors I wasn't ever gonna come back through.
The song people don't realize how much you really meant until they actually lose you, really became reality. I've never seen this side from everyone I knew. Even my ex-rotted away from it. Not that I care about him but hey I saved a family but at the end, I killed my own. At the end, I helped my country but I felt sincerely bad about it. Should I? No one was actually there for me. God help me. I guess I really love my family and friends and didn't really see that before I signed my life away. Now instead of blaming people for feeling like s***, now it's flipped and I blame myself. I know I did the right thing but is it possible for me to also doing the wrong thing?






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