Out of Reach

September 9, 2017
By a.arzu BRONZE, Moscow, Other
a.arzu BRONZE, Moscow, Other
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

I watch my old life from afar, through a small screen on my hand. I look at what my old friends have posted, I follow the new people at the school that have taken my place. They promised they won’t forget me, that they will never find anyone like me, that I was a special part of their lives. And the one that made the biggest promise of all, was him. The guy I spent most of my days with, the guy I lost a best friend for, the guy that I denied everyone else for. Now, you might think this is the same old typical teenage story, but trust me, nothing about this, is typical. The guy I lost everything for, distantly texts me, barely there, but always thinking of himself. But the other guy… oh boy, I messed up bad. I denied the other guy, telling myself he didn’t desire me the way I wanted to be wanted. I denied the other guy, but here I am, out of reach, yet he still fights for me.  He checks up on me, he makes me feel special, he talks to me knowing everything is going to turn out just the way I want it to.

I have a few old friends that talk to me once in a while, but everything they say hurts. They tell me how my guy has found a new girl, that he has upgraded from me, that he no longer cares. He denies it to my face. He says whatever I have heard, is a big fat lie. Now this is where I am conflicted. Do I believe him? Or the rest of the 99 people in the high school? But I will never know, because I am not there…

The funny thing is, no one knew how I felt. I was the “bad one” in the relation. In front of everyone’s eyes I was a cheating w**re, no one dared to ask “Why? Why did you do it?” If they did, they would have known, it was only my fault. Yes, I admit, it was a wrong thing to do, but I was desperate. Now, don’t let your mind go off to dirty places with the word “desperate”. I was desperate for a moment to feel like someone cares about me to put themselves aside. There was a guy, he talked to me. Want to know the only thing he talked about? Me. That’s it, he wouldn’t let me reverse the conversation to him. I had gotten so uncomfortable talking about myself, not getting attention, that when this guy came around, it was a weird feeling. He made that discomfort disappear. I was lost in thought.

I walk around my new school, never seeing a familiar face. I look around, trying to find a friendly one, but no one seems to even acknowledge me, I’m the invisible new girl.

“Is Aria here?” the teacher would call out, and the reply would be, “Who?” from everyone in the class. I would raise my hand and squeak out “Here”, then having to repeat it because even the teacher didn’t hear and nor did the students care. This is a situation that occurred way to often in my new life, unlike my old. In my old life, I would step a foot into the school and start smiling at everyone, hug my way through the school, talk to the people, the smile never falling off my face. But these days, the only thing that is making me smile is… wait, I can’t think of anything…

It should be illegal to relocate a teenager. It messes with everything. You lose everything that kept you alive, and sane for so long, how does anyone expect teenagers just to adapt instantly? The teenage world is the scariest, why don’t adults understand that? You expect me, to go into a new school, become best friends with everyone on the first day, and ace all my tests? Of course, you do, because everything in your life is so perfect… well except your middle child, but you know, no one will know because you barely mention her name.

Why is it so hard to make friends? I feel like I’m going to be alone the rest of my high school life, 2 years of total isolation, if I even make it through the first.  You have some accountancies, people that say ‘hi’ to you around the halls, but you know, that they’re talking behind your back. You know how they’re calling you “awkward”, but it doesn’t even hurt, because you know it’s true.

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