My name is Gaultier. I am 13, and I currently reside in Ohio.

I have two older siblings: Nadja, 21, and Emmanuel, 28. Nadja goes to Duke. She’s a History major. Mother says she chose Nadja’s name because the spirits of her Russian ancestors came to the hospital and forced her to name her only daughter after their matriarch Nadezhda. Nadja says she never gave it too much thought. She is pretty cool, and her boyfriend, Lawrence, is cool as well, despite being old.

Emmanuel didn’t attend college because he doesn’t believe in the supremacist and inegalitarian educational system of the modern world. His fiancée, Simone, quotes the homonymous French philosopher Simone de Beauvoir approximately every five minutes. She is pregnant, and the child-to-be will be named after Sartre.
I live with my father, Jack, 63, and his girlfriend Helen, 24. My sister says he is going through a midlife crisis, even though he reached the middle of the American average life expectancy a long time ago. My sister also says he was irresponsible by moving in with Helen so early, but I don’t mind spending time with her.

My mother is apparently in a crisis as well. I don’t know what kind of crisis exactly, because she keeps it concealed. Once, my father gave her a birthday card with an undisclosed, unmentioned number printed on the cover, and mother hit him with a frying pan. This event prompted their separation and eventual divorce. Mother lives with her boyfriend, who is 30. Simone says she is a cougar, and by the definition of that word on Urban Dictionary, I am made to believe mother is much older than 30. That would of course match with Emmanuel’s birth date.

My parents say my name is Gaultier because fashion saints and the francophilia in their genes made them name me after Jean-Paul Gaultier. It is a name that really sets you apart.