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I'm okay. Almost every day is great and there is nothing wrong. But then some days I feel like there nothing. Actually, that is more like most days. I feel like there a great hole inside me that is filled with nothingness and I'm not sure what should be there. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me but then I remember that everything is fine and it will go away eventually. It hasn’t yet. On occasions, it quietens itself so that it’s barely noticeable but other times its like there's a roaring waterfall that no one can see but I can feel and it engulfs all other feelings. This waterfall just keeps flowing but nothing falls over it.
I wonder if I'm normal. Even trying everyday emotions can be a struggle. Crying: that doesn’t work because the tears never fall; they are just there but hey stay put then fall back inside. Perhaps it’s because I'm so used to pulling them back that they no longer know how to run down my cheeks. Because crying shows weakness and you are strong. There are times when the nothing bubbles up and overflows but there is no way for it to come out, no escape except dry tears and sleep. But even sleep is never peaceful. Never feeling truly rested, never feeling truly whole. Always tired, always searching for something to fill the void in my centre, to stop this feeling of uselessness, of being lost inside myself.
Why is it there? Even after a good day, one comment can cause the emptiness to grow until it’s the only thing I can think about; until it occupies all my thoughts and the moments of content are gone because of one act, even if it was meant in the kindest way. I eat and it stays. I exercise and it dances along. I read and it enjoys the conversation. I sleep and it remains awake. It doesn’t leave because it has set up house in my core to torment and taunt me. Knowing that its not in my head doesn’t help because I already knew that its not me, its this parasite living under my ribs, next to my sternum that is sucking the emotions out of me so that I'm incapable of feeling anything except hatred for this thing that has invaded me.
It’s not in my head. Of course, I know its not in my head, I'm not mental, I don’t have a split personality, I don’t have a disorder and I'm not ill. It’s in my body and festering in my soul and infiltrating my emotions so that I'm void of anything human. I don’t like being alone with my thoughts, even in a crowded room because that’s when it starts to chatter and deem that I'm annoying and I'm useless and I'm greedy and unworthy of receiving love and therefore not allowed to give any in return.
But no one notices. Thankfully, no one notices and I'm glad because if someone were to know what was going on inside me, they wouldn’t understand. They would try to help in stupid ways that this thing uses as ammunition. Just the little comments or looks or words. It fills the cavity in my chest with whispers and phrases and looks and expressions that play in a loop on constant repeat. These images and statements pour over the empty waterfall which dries out even more by the vile nature of them causing the nothingness to intensify and the only way to stop it is to write it down. All the hatred from every declaration in one book in order to stop them playing on repeat. It doesn’t fill the emptiness but it does quieten it for a bit. Nothing can fill the oblivion because there is a black hole inside me.
I don’t understand. The bad words come out and the other side is stiller but it still lingers, still tormenting. It’s a physical thing because the emptiness is in my body and I wonder if it will leave if there's less to occupy. I'm not ill, there's something inside of me stopping me from being normal and I don’t like it so I will stop it. It can be stopped so it will be. Less of me means less of it and it will go away because it can't hurt a body that is firm and mind that is focused. The hole will go once I am stronger because there won't be enough space for the hole.
Just breathe. I look in the mirror and I know it’s still there. I can get rid of it and I’ll be okay. Just got to keep stop because strong people don’t give up; they create something that they use to conquer. They conquer the nothingness with full power, at all times, never letting it beat them. Just one for time and it will quieten. Just one more step and it will shut up. Just once more. Just one more. I have complete control over this thing. I am strong enough to get rid of it. It's still there but I know I can get rid of it.
It’s still there. It kicks me when I'm down and berates me when I'm up and nags how I'm not good enough, never good enough but I will prove it wrong as long I keep going. Soon my waterfall won't be parched once this negative thing lets go of me. Its remarks still go in the book and the mirror never lies. I can feel the emptiness that it leaves behind as it swallows my humanity. Sometimes it gets quieter and other times it screams so loud that all I can do is curl up and pretend to cry. Still it won't let the tears fall. I will beat it. Its set a race and I will outdo it otherwise the void will stay and I will be lost.
Am I normal? At time I don’t think I am. Whatever I try, it doesn’t depart. Whatever I do, it just digs the hole a little bit deeper and I'm on the edge, looking down into the blackness. It’s hijacked the race and caused me to run closer to the hole inside me. A hole it’s created. A hole I helped it dig. And I don’t think I can claw my way out this time. The race is manipulated in the hole’s favour and it’s till screwing me over. I'm still lost. The emptiness is till there and I can't get out. It’s got leverage and I handed it that.
I don’t think I'm okay. I want to stop running a race I can't win. The nothingness screams at me louder than ever before, and it hurts. It won't go away. Why won't it go away? My internal struggle still can't be seen. It still has a hold of me. It stays and it hungers for more power. I can't keep going. I can't keep running.
I’ve got to stop. I have to stop. I can't stop. It won't let me stop. What's wrong with me?
Make it stop. Make it stop. It shrieks louder than my thoughts and roars over the empty waterfall in my core. Kicking and screaming, it tears at my insides and it won't go away. It hurts and it won't go away.
Make it stop. Please. I don’t think this is good.
This is not okay. This is not okay.
I am not okay.