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If I Could I Would Feel Nothing

By , Clarkston, MI
I know that some of the kids in my class have seen me cry, when I’m alone in the bathroom during the 6 minutes I have to get from my locker to my next class, without having snarky comments thrown on me. Usually I’ll break into a light jog after the bell rings, but most of the time ends with me shoulder checking a teacher or one of the “populars”. It’s always on accident, but the girls like to spit at me and call me foul things anyways. Wasn’t Jessica in the bathroom when I wiped away my tear smudged mascara? Not like she cares anyway, it’s the same routine everyday.
Once in awhile, a man in my neighborhood will be sitting alone in the woods behind his house. I don’t know his story, but his face tells me that he’s seen a lot. I go and see him every so often, after mom and dad go to work. I tell him how I don’t want to feel the pain, and that if there were a way to make me feel better, I’d jump at the opportunity. He nods and says he understands. He hands me a small bag full of what he calls “happy greens”. I take the bag; he says they’ll make me feel better. I share the happy greens with the girls that bully me. I told them how it makes me feel happier, they just laugh, pat me on the back, and flip their flawless hair as they walk away with the happy greens.
The girls are nice to me now, at least most of the time. If I want to hang out, but don’t have what they ask for, they yell and curse at me. I talked to the man in his backyard. He told me he ran





out of what the girl wanted. He told me my skin was looking pale, and asked if I got much sleep anymore. I said no.
My mom pulled me out of school last week. She’s sending me to some private school a few minutes away from my regular school. I don’t know why, she just tells me how worried she is for me. She says my eyes have dark circles, and the lights in my room stay on all night. I told her I have new friends now, they’re nice to me, most of the time… I can’t leave them and they need me. I found happiness, or at least an alternative to the feeling.
Why is this happening? My world is spinning. I find more greens. Why am I moving? More greens. What if the new kids don’t like me? More greens. I begin to feel dizzy. More greens. I’m not ready for the change that’s coming soon. I’m convinced that things are going to start from the beginning, and I’ll again, have to wipe the food and tears off my face after lunch everyday. Everyday. But at least I have my greens.





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