“I’m falling to pieces, look at the sky tonight, all of those stars have a reason, a reason to shine, a reason like mine, and I’m falling to pieces.”
Falling; fall, fell, drop, collapse, sinking, break down.
There are multiple ways you can describe the word, falling, people try and keep themselves from falling, their feelings may fall, they get bad news? Their face then falls.
The kind of falling, which is the worst, breaking down, you feel your whole world around you, drifting away, everything turning to decay, breaking into small flakes of dust.
Not everyone deals with falling the same way, as for me, dealing with the falling feeling is easy, it’s easy for me to ignore the falling, sinking feeling until I break down.
I become quiet, unlike myself, but unfortunately, that’s what happens, and I’m sure it eventually happens to everyone, they soon become tired of pretending, I become tired of pretending, and that’s when I begin falling to pieces.
Sometimes I am able to contain the feelings that begged to be heard, sometimes I’m not as fortunate, in the pit of my stomach is where the falling begins, it churns and turns sour, it feels like the world stops spinning, like my heart stops beating as I try to control myself.
But that’s when it’s just getting started, the bottom of my lip trembles and I mentally tell myself to stop, nothing works of course, my eyes with tears welled up, lining the rim of my eyelid, begging to finally be released, and I blink, the tears racing down my face, seeing which one can get to my chin first.
I open my mouth to breathe, trying to regain composure, but instead of taking a breath, a small sob comes from the back of my throat, all of my feelings being exposed, the most vulnerable feeling overcomes my body, the sinking feeling? It’s coming to the top.
Like when you’re about to drown, you rise to the top of the water as fast as you can, gasping in air, you felt your lungs on fire, you spit the water in your mouth onto the ground, well falling is similar to drowning, the sinking feeling rushing to the top, the water in your mouth resembles the tears in your eyes, the air you breathe in, all the same, taking it in with heavy gasps.
Looking into my mirror, a puffy, red face looking back at me, I almost don’t look like the same person, completely different emotions, facial expressions are written across my face, the true emotions hidden in the valley of my eyes, the light green becoming dark, my pupils dilating and un dilating, my heart pounding in my chest.
The pain beginning to form in my chest, becoming more sharp, more intense but I let it settle there, like it’s now where it lives, I try to take deep breaths, trying to ease the pain, but nothing
can take the pain, and soon it doesn’t hurt anymore, it feels like it should be there, like it belongs there, like it has always been there.
Soon, the crinkle in my forehead leaves, the tears drying on my cheeks, no more racing to my chin and jumping to the floor, my eyes stop burning, my face sore from my trembling lips, I gasp in the air again, no longer drowning.
I feel like it’s finally over, I had the break down, I’ll be fine, fine… I’d been lying to everyone, I tend to distance myself days before the break down because I finally know when I’ve had enough, people worry, asking how I’ve been, how I’m feeling, I always said fine, always said tired.
But I was neither, I needed an excuse, I don’t need people to worry about me, I would be fine on my own, there’s the word again, fine.
When people use the word fine, they say this to assure themselves, to assure that they’re going to be ok when it finally happens, I say this dreaded word to assure myself, to relieve the stress coursing through my veins, to relieve the feelings, the feelings that are boiling, they’re going to eventually over spill, even if you don’t mean for them to.
But once the break down ends, it feels like my world begins to spin, my lungs start taking in the air properly, my heart begins to pump the blood again, the stress in my veins getting replaced, the world on my shoulders, beginning to become less heavy, but how long until I can’t take everything again? It could be a day, it could be weeks, or even months.
My whole body shifts into overdrive, fixing itself from the inside out, but when something breaks, it’s never the same, no matter how much detail and care you put into it, it will never be the same.
Soon I learned how to deal with my breakdowns, sit down, close my eyes and imagine, imagine the happiest moments of my life, and remember, just remember that life isn’t as awful as it’s made out to be, because I have all these happy moments, and this feeling of helplessness, no hope.
The feeling, is nothing but a small bump in the road, every bump in the road is a set back, but you never dwell on the set backs because there are so many reasons to continue, to continue your journey, continuing to live, to smile..
To not fall, to stand a little straighter, be confident and proud, to pick up the broken pieces and help yourself, put yourself back together, because in the end, you’re going to be there for yourself, I’m going to be the only one who can put myself back together, and I’m getting there, I will get there.