I Wish You Knew

June 5, 2017

I believe in karma. I believe that people deserve what happens to them, maybe not all the time, but there’s a certain extent until a person breaks. People who are vain, deceitful, and self involved, karma happens to them first. I got my karma, but I learned how to change too.

Learning is all about listening. Advice, lectures, essays, etc. You’re learning by reading words or listening to words. You learn how to handle things by listening. Take my advice, and listen: You should focus on what makes you happy, but be careful. Don’t hurt people in the process, even though it probably will, make it in your best interest that they won’t hurt as much. Don’t let people take advantage of you, or abuse you. Anyone can do that, from your boyfriend, to your parents, even to someone you thought was your best friend. People can betray you, keep your enemies close. Don’t choose your boyfriend or girlfriend over anyone, but don’t change plans with them for someone who was never worth your time. You’re young, get out of your bed, do some homework, call some friends, and enjoy life. I had to go through an extremely long process to figure all of this out and yeah, it took longer than it needed to, but I did it. And if I can do it, so can you. I wish you knew how strong you were.
She was flawless, to me anyways. She was kind, and innocent. She didn’t deserve what happened, she never did anything to anyone. She was beautiful and she was strong. I wish she knew. She had a heart like gold, and understood me more than I understood myself, and yeah it sucked to see her leave, but she had to she was moving on to the next phase of her life, and that’s okay.
Let me introduce you to her, Clara Hensley, Clair for kinda short. She never knew how special she was. Clara went through a lot of different things, and so did I, but we went through it together and that’s what mattered. I stuck by her side like I always said I would. She was never horrible to me, I was horrible to her a few times, but, that was just me overreacting like usual. We had a conversation one day that went along the lines of this:
“I feel like I’m losing you…” I said.
“No one is losing me, why does everybody think that?” she said in return.
“Because you’re being different, and it’s not everyone, it’s what I think is going on. You’re distancing yourself from me.” I said. Now, this was all through text, so there wasn’t really much to it. I wish she knew that all she was doing, was losing herself. She was losing her thoughts and her passion for the things she used to love. She lost her motivation, her effort, and her confidence. She needed to get back to her usual self, maybe not completely, but something is better than nothing.
It’s hard to fully explain where it started orwhere this friendship began, but here goes…
I felt a vibration coming from the end of my bed. I got a text message from an unknown number saying “Hey, how are you?”.
I picked up my phone and replied back with “Who’s this?” I put my phone back down on my bed and waited for an answer. I never usually received many texts, so that was a surprise, especially from an unknown number.
I felt the vibration go off again and immediately picked up my phone again. I read the text “Clara from theatre, you gave me your number and I knew something was up today. You just didn’t look happy. What’s up?”
And that’s where it all began. Two years of friendship. I don’t know what else is going to become of it in the future, but I hope it’s all good things. She meant everything to me. She was always there for me whenever I needed her, even if she was working, she snuck into the bathrooms a few times just to make sure I was okay. I was grateful for her.
Until I felt like I was losing her to these people named Jace and Bianca. Jace wasn’t even worth her time either. Bianca treated her with respect most of the time, but I can vouch for her, things weren’t fair between their friendship. Things didn’t always make sense. Even when it came to Jace. In the beginning, Jace treated her amazingly, but maybe 6 months or so later, everything changed, he started being cold to her. I knew he wasn’t the best person so I tried something and it definitely didn’t work. She knew that he wasn’t good for her, but continued to be friends with him. It sucked watching her hurt, but I thought hey, maybe she would learn… she learned a little too late. She gave him too many chances to count… then he made her out like the bad person. Everything kinda went downhill from there. She became narrow minded and only thought that her opinion mattered more than anyone else’s, and of course everyone thinks like that sometimes. But in this case, it was becoming more and more of a problem. Jace became more and more of a problem.
“Come on… Clara you know I'm right…” I said to her. I was already staying at her house and something had happened between her and Jace.
She looked down at her lap, tears formed in the corners of her eyes. She grabbed her phone and threw it across the room. “I know you’re right.”
“Then stop torturing yourself. You can't keep doing this…” I said. I got up and walked over to where she threw her phone and picked it up for her. Instead of giving it back, I put it in my pocket and let her cry it out. She knew this was getting worse by the day. I kept her phone in my possession for the rest of the night because she needed to get off of her phone to prevent her from texting him… and smashing it to pieces. “Clara, you can’t. You know you can’t so please, do this for us, and for yourself. He’s not right for you. All he’s going to do is hurt you. That’s all he seems to be doing lately.” I said to her. I sat back down on the bed next to her and let her cry on my shoulder for however long she needed to.
She was a very strong girl, the only problem with that is that she thought she could fix everything, and the other problem to that, is that she thought everyone was against her. When that clearly wasn't the case. Everyone only wanted what was best for the girl, even if it seemed like they didn't. I wish she knew how we felt about her. We all loved her to more than just pieces. We cared about what happened to her, even if she didn't believe us. We tried so hard for this girl, and she tried just as hard for us. She tried especially for Jace and Bianca. I turned into the odd woman out. She kinda began forgetting about me, but I knew I could still help from afar. But then something happened with Bianca.
As I read the texts that Clara just sent to me, I received a text from Bianca, telling me to take care of her. I didn't respond to Bianca, but I switched back to reading the conversation between Bianca and Clara. And some messed up stuff was said, stuff I didn’t completely agree with, and I knew Clara needed my help. She needed someone to be there for her so I was. I knew she needed someone, and by this time, almost everyone had left her. She was alone, and she needed me. I was okay with that. I loved and cared about this girl more than I cared about anyone honestly. I’d drop anything to be there for her, or to hangout with her if she needed me. I missed her… and I knew she needed me. I know this sounds selfish, because it is. But, I’m happy I replaced both Jace and Bianca. She needed someone who could always be there, who wouldn’t take advantage of her friendship or her character, someone who wouldn’t judge her or point out her flaws, someone who was honest with her, and someone who tried to make her feel good about herself. I needed to be that person for her. That may sound like an overstatement, but I truly felt like I needed to be that person. I was never fake to her, I did treat her horribly a couple times, but I was in a bad place too. I drew the line a couple times, and maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut, but I couldn’t let it go any further than it already did.
“So… what? You’re on their side now?” she said.
“No, Clara. Of course not… I’m just concerned for you. Not everyone is against you like you think they are.” I replied.
“That’s clearly not the case, Jen.”
I rolled my eyes at her and brushed off her comment. I let her complain to me for whatever else she had to complain about, knowing that it was never anything good.
Of course, Jace cared about her at one point. Of course, Bianca cared about her at one point, or most points. Maybe they weren’t thinking clearly on what they wanted. That doesn’t give them the right to treat her the way that they did. Don’t get me wrong, not all of it was their fault, part of it was Clara too. She finally accepted that to herself as well.
The worst part about it all, is the suffering. Never being able to get back all the time and money and emotions she put into these people. Once the damage is done, it’s done. The only way to move past it, is to start fresh. And moving on to the next phase of her life was her “fresh start”.  I don’t really talk to her that much anymore, but every couple months or so, I make sure to check in on her. I need to make sure that she’s doing alright. I don’t usually get a text back… she was never good at replying to people. But when I do get a reply, it’s like a wave of relief. She’s okay, and as long as she is, so am I. I could never see her hurting, or in pain, or crying, it hurt me to see that.
I wish she knew how much I loved her. I wish she knew how important she really was.

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