Control

May 29, 2017
She was just sitting down to a cup of tea and a book out on her patio to enjoy the brisk autumn morning when she felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. A certain word in the story she was reading caught her eye and for some reason made her stop in dead silence, it’s like for a brief second the world stopped moving and her blood ran cold. A flash of sadness ran across her face and all she could mutter was one word “Control”. She closed the book, walked into her house and ran upstairs to her room to find the box she had been keeping under the bed for years. She slowly opened the top from the box and while she did, a single tear ran down her face and into the crease of her collarbone. During this moment, she started seeing flashes of her childhood and was powerless to stop them.
It was 3:00 on a Friday and she had just gotten home from school and was excited to finally go inside to eat and watch TV after a long day of classes and work. Her mother usually worked until 5:00 so she thought she could sneak some food up into her room for later so she would not notice. Before she could even sit down to watch her favorite show she heard the doorbell go off so, she groaned and went to answer it. It was her grandmother coming by to see if she wanted to go shopping and start looking around for dresses for homecoming. Of course, she said yes so she threw on some old jeans and a t-shirt and they went on their way. On the drive to the mall, her grandmother asked her what she has been eating lately and she said, “Anything my mom buys, it’s mostly hot pockets and those frozen pizzas I like.” Hearing this made her grandmother angry, she immediately raised her voice and said, “Your mother needs to take better care of you! All she feeds you is that unhealthy junk from the frozen aisle at the store. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Do you have no self control?” After hearing these words from someone she loved and trusted so much she decided she would change herself to please her grandmother, even if it made her unhappy. These words made her life change for the worse, and was the first time in a long time that she had looked back on this day.
She suddenly came back to reality and realized she was gripping the box in her hands so tight it was leaving a red ring around her hands. She knew it was finally time to face her fears and throw out everything inside the box, for her own well-being and for the person just in the other room. She took the box downstairs to her kitchen and slowly took everything out, inside were three pictures of herself taken at the beginning of each month for 3 months when she was 15. Inside she also found an old bottle of Psyllium Fiber pills that would expand in her stomach so she would not eat as much during meals. Lastly, she found a notebook littered with quotes like “I don’t eat food I eat numbers” with photos of models glued in at the edges. She quickly threw everything back into the box and tossed it into the trash, it felt as if a pressure had been lifted off her chest and she could finally breathe again. She walked over to her dining room and looked into the big mirror that covered almost half her wall and just stared at herself. She noticed the way her hipbones protruded from her pants, and how her collarbones and ribs were visible through her top. She sat down onto the floor, realizing how long she had been carrying this burden with her, and how it had effected the people around her that she loved and cared about. She knew she had to change again but this time for the better. She quietly got up and walked upstairs to the room that was right next to hers. She opened the door and saw her daughter laying on her bed doing some homework when she suddenly said, “Mommy when I grow up I want to look just like you”. It was like stepping on a piece of glass, it was so painful to hear her daughter say this to her, knowing she had to be a better influence and making sure she doesn’t grow up with the same burden she did. Therefore, she sat down next to her and said, “Let’s go out for burgers and ice cream, because you are the most beautiful little girl in the whole world and should never worry about what you look like.” They both got up and got dressed, and they ventured out to the car and got in. While they were driving, she thought to herself and said, “I will never let this word hurt me again; I am better than this and need to get better for the only person important in my life, because she is the light of my life”





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