The room was filled with an atmosphere of fear, depression, and guilt. I stepped into the small room with wooden floor and white paint chipping off the walls. There were three rows of folded up metal chairs; I sat in the first seat in the last row. I looked up to the front of the room and I saw a podium. Behind the podium was a picture hanging off of the white chipping walls of Jesus. I didn’t believe in any of that crap. My wife does, and she forces our kids to follow in her footsteps. I didn’t want to be here. I know I don’t have a problem, but my wife believes I do. My wife tried bringing me to church to “treat” me of my ungodly sins, but that clearly didn’t work. I want to keep my family together, but I can’t let go of the one thing that has been keeping me sane the past nine months.
More people continued to walk into the room. The rows eventually filled up. I just got there and I’m already thinking about her.
“Welcome! My name is Nora. I am the director of the program here in Boston. I’m excited to help you all in of your problems. So, today we are going to start with everyone coming up to the podium and introducing themselves. Who would like to go first?”
It felt like time was intentionally moving slow to keep me in this hell hole. People continued to go the podium and tell everyone their sad stories. Once they would finish their stories, they would cry and everyone would clap their hands and say “ We accept you”.
I looked down at my watched for what felt like the millionth time and then I hear “Sir it’s your turn”. I get up and walk to podium. Lord why am I here?
Before I began I cleared my throat.
“ I knew from the moment I saw her that I was going to spend an eternity with her. She was the one. The only one for me. It felt as if I waited a lifetime just to see her white smile shine through the light. I wanted her to be in my possession. I needed her to come join me on this “uncertain of where things may end up” journey. If I had her by my side I knew we could achieve the unthinkable.
It wasn’t long before I had her. I could finally call her mine. Cocaine. My one true love. My soulmate. We are in love like no one could ever imagine. We have that love that was only seen on movies. The kind of love you pray for when you’re by yourself in your room late at night. We have the love that everyone couldn’t help but envy.
She makes me feel better. She makes me feel wanted and needed. She is my escape. She never yelled at me, made me feel stupid, or made me feel like I couldn’t be successful. She is able to clear my mind like a clear blue sky. She was all I ever needed.
I would think about her throughout my day. She is constantly on the back of my mind. I always dread the moments when we had to part. I never want to leave her side, but it was the best feeling seeing her after a long day of being apart from one another. I couldn’t wait to just taste her smooth texture and I loved seeing the drug soak in her bubble bath. Even when she felt overweight, I would remind her that her weight never mattered as long as she fit in her package. Her smell would just flood through my nose. She always left a little part of herself on my face.
I knew having this love affair with Cocaine would cause my family to fall apart. But, how can you live without the one thing that helps you get up in morning? I wanted more in life I expected more. No I Deserved more. I was so tired of waking up and going to work and dealing with people who irritate me, and then coming home to deal with my wife.
I used to love my wife. I want to love her. But, I can’t. We’ve both changed into two different people. I don’t even recognize her anymore. I know this may sound bad, but I’m so thankful I found my true love because I was at the point of just giving up. I hated my life. I hated living. I wanted to die. Until I met her. She saved me. She makes me a better person. She brings out the best in me. She gives me a reason to live.
When my wife found out about my affair, she cried for days. On the seventh day she looked at me, as if she was looking into my soul and said, “You need to deal with this before the kids find out”. That’s why I’m here. I love my kids and they deserve a better father. My name is David and I’m addicted to Cocaine”.
The room got quiet. No one made a sound.
“ Um..we accept you”, said Nora.
I looked up and everyone was staring back at me. I walked swiftly back to my seat.
“ Well, thank you everyone for coming. Next session we will discuss step one in your ten step program”.
Before she could finish I rushed out the room as the tears rolled down my face uncontrollably.