Missing You

September 13, 2004
Got another note in my locker today. It’s from him. John won’t stop with these love letters, and I just try to brush it off. I want to stay friends but it gets so awkward between us. Ever since we started high school, he has been obsessing over me. We have drifted so far apart and I hate it. I miss him. I miss being his friend. He just doesn’t understand that all I want is for him to be my friend. I hope it’s a joke, sometimes he is funny like that. On the bright side, my project in Chem got pushed back so I don’t have to stay up all night tonight worrying about it. At least one good thing came out of today.

June 20, 2005
It’s the last day of sophomore year, and I haven’t heard from John in a while. He has been leaving the notes in my locker, but not as often as he used to. I kind of miss it because that is the only way we would talk. But I haven’t said one word to him the whole year. He doesn’t hang out around me anymore. If one of our friends is having people over, he would make up some excuse if I was going. But whenever I’m not there, he jumps on the opportunity to hang out with some of his best friends. I don’t get why he does this. I should be the one avoiding him. Maybe he is scared. I don’t know what to do at this point, and I really need to talk to him. I can’t stand that my parents are getting a divorce, and he is the only one I’ve ever been able to talk to about this stuff. I need John back.

October 31, 2005
It is Halloween of our junior year and John is back to normal. Kind of. Maybe it was the beginning of high school that gave him mixed emotions, but I’m glad he has finished his odd phase. I still have this feeling that he is hiding something, because things aren’t totally back to normal, but I’m not going to mess up the good thing we have. I also hear a lot of his friends tell me that he is still in love with me, and obsessing over me, but they must be lying. Right? The love letters have stopped. Thank God, that was weird, but he still isn’t the same. Hopefully it’s something else. I want him to be able to talk to me about anything. Why doesn’t he open up to me? Anyway, I think he likes the new girl in our grade, so what do I have to worry about?

May 27, 2006
Julia and John have been dating since Halloween and I think I hate it. I’m not jealous. I seriously don’t like him that way, but I miss him again. He has been spending all of his time with Julia, and he never comes over anymore. We haven’t talked since before they started seeing each other, and I have a lot to tell him. I also have a feeling Julia feels threatened by me. She really doesn’t like when John and I hang out. Even if she is there. I don’t think that Julia is right for him. Julia makes him take her out to nice dinners, when I know John would rather go to the movies, and eat popcorn. John was never big on PDA with past girlfriends, but everytime I see them in the hall, their fingers are intertwined. It makes me want to gag. And I know he feels that way too. I hope he misses me. I hope him and Julia don’t last. My family is split down the middle because of the divorce, my brother and my mom, and my father and I. John is who I need to see right now.

August 8, 2006
They’re still dating, and I hate it. They’re always together and I never see John anymore. She is keeping him from me. I miss him. I wonder if he still thinks of me, I wonder if he worries about how I am doing. I hope he does. I wonder if he thinks of ending it with Julia. I wonder if he thinks of any other girls. I guess what I’m getting too is, I wonder if he still has feelings for me. Because I hope he does. I hope senior year is different.

January 1, 2007
It’s the new year and nothing has changed. Last night Julia and John shared their midnight kiss. I had to leave. He looked so perfect. I really like how he has grown his hair out, and he definitely got taller. Although we aren’t together, I’m happy that we have been closer lately. John stood up to Julia because he wanted time with me, and he wanted Julia to stop acting immature and jealous. I’ve been able to talk to him, and I love those tiny moments. Even if it’s just a car ride home from school, or a passing wave in the hall. Things are good, but I need things to change.

April 3, 2007
It happened. They broke up. But John has been distant. He probably thinks it’s my fault. And I do too.

June 18, 2007
We are back to normal. Back to the way we were before high school. I missed him. I missed my best friend, and I love that he is back. We are going our separate ways for college, but I think our friendship can handle it. I’ve gone back to loving him as a friend, which I think is really good. I only liked him because he was taken, and I missed the attention. I didn’t hate him for loving me, I hated myself for hating him. But I don’t miss him anymore.






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