It was black and white no color, that was not what she would have wanted. I wish I would've stayed home and watched The Notebook, because right now I just want to be numb of the feelings and flashbacks. If only she were here, she would be making jokes to keep her mom from crying. You know we wouldn’t be here if I was in the car with her.
If only four days ago I would’ve known that my little stomach ache wouldn't matter as much as I thought it did at the moment. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so selfish.
Four Days Ago
*** “Hey you’re still going to the party with me tonight, right?”
“Yeah of course. Why would I miss our last party as Juniors, don’t be stupid.”
*** I still remember when I went home to get a snack before I got ready for the party, my stomach wasn’t feeling good.
Sam’s mom is starting to make her rounds, and of course I’m first. “Are you ready to give your speech? It’s what she would have wanted.”
In this moment all I really want to say is “this is not what she would have wanted, she would have wanted it to be a celebration of her life”, but all I can manage to say is “Yes, I would love to give my speech.” All during my speech all I could think about is the last phone call I ever had with her.
*** ”Hey sorry Sam, but I don’t feel well I don’t think I’m going to be able to go.”
“That’s okay I’m sure you’d come if you could, I mean you always have been my party friend. I’ll text you when I get home, love you Miss. Liz Day.”
“Love you too Miss. Sam Frazer.”
*** All everyone seems to tell me is “that was a very moving speech”, when in reality I wrote that in the bathroom a few minutes before I had to give it. I didn’t want to be here anyway it’s her fault, she should of been paying more attention. Everytime I think of her a surge of anger rushes through my body, yes she was my best friend but sometimes I hate her alot. Is it selfish to be angry? Yes I know Sam didn’t want this to happen, but it did and it’s her fault. The guidance counselor keeps asking me if I want to talk, and yes I want to talk but what is the school going to think when I’m not depressed but angry. I know deep inside Sam didn’t want this, but I also know she loved the attention, so maybe it wasn’t an accident.
*** ”Wee-oo-wee-oo,” the sirens were going crazy.
*** ”Liz are you alright?” In that moment I knew that coming here was a terrible idea. The flashbacks have my mind in an endless spiral and I just want it all to end. I remember that phone call very vividly.
*** I can hear the whimper in Mrs. Frazer’s voice on the other line. “Liz, I need to tell you something. Sam won’t be at school on Monday, and I feel like you should be the first to know.”
“What do you mean, I thought she was at the party. Also this may be a stupid question, but do you know what those sirens were for, I’m sure it’s nothing but I was curious?”
“Liz there was a wreck, a really bad one.”
“Oh my gosh is everyone okay? Sam wasn’t in the car anyway so it’s not that important.”
My end of the phone is silent. Now all I can think is Sam was in the car, and something is seriously wrong.
*** ”I’m very sorry Mrs. Frazer, but I think I need to leave. I can’t do this anymore it should’ve been me, not her. She didn’t deserve any of this. Sam had so much to offer the world and I don’t know if I have anything anymore.” I can feel the tears rushing down my face, like someone had just dumped the Pacific Ocean on my face. This day was almost as bad as the first day back to school, after the accident. All the bad memories of that night are coming back like someone is pushing me under the water, and I didn’t know how much longer I could try to hold my breath.
*** I’ve been walking down this hallway for a matter of five minutes now and if one more person asks me if I’m “okay” or “if you need to talk about it,” I’m going to lose my damn mind.
*** I think it might be better if I went inside, I can’t leave my best friend’s mom alone. The hardest part of this whole thing is not being able to see her “resting.” I get that she was almost decapitated, but couldn’t they have made an exception for me.
It’s time for everyone to head into the dining room to eat horderves. I’m not hungry so I guess it’s time for me to go up and “make my peace” (even though this’ll never go away). The saying “butterflies in my stomach” is nothing compared to the swarm of wasps stinging my insides. I feel like I need to see her, but I don’t know if the box is locked. I’m lifting up the casket, and it is unlocked. I feel like I should set it back down, but my hands are still moving up. She looks pretty, but she always had. She’s wearing a blue band around her forehead as if something had gone through her head, and they wanted to cover it up. I can’t find the line of decapitation, in fact the only thing that looks abnormal is the blue band around her head. In order to make my peace I need to know what’s under that band, but the way Mrs. Frazer is looking at me right now I feel like I’m better off not knowing.