Inside Her Mind

April 18, 2017
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Bloody and bruised knuckles pound the wall vigorously as if trying to beat out a memory. A worthless and meaningless memory. A damaged heart and broken mind are in that hand’s place and the wall begins to not hurt her. She beats the wall harder and tears stream down her face. She can’t take it. She’s on the verge of killing absolutely everything and everyone. She hates life. She doesn’t want to live. She regrets not pulling the trigger when she had the chance. Now she’s at school and can’t do anything about the damage and pain she feels. It felt so real. Was she the only one who meant it when she said, “Forever, always, and beyond”? Why does it hurt so endlessly?
She remembers all the words he would say to her. He loved her. He missed her. Now that’s all gone. She loved him. She loves him. She always has. She cared about him for so long. She gave him everything. Now that’s all gone. She hates life. She wants to die. She wants to bury her head so far underground that she knows there would be no return. Apparently, she doesn’t know him as much as she once thought. She swore she knew he wouldn’t leave her, but that was obviously a lie. She can’t believe all the pain he put her through.
She was almost pregnant with his child. She was engaged to this man. She gave him everything. Everything. She gave him all she could only to watch everything crumble before her very eyes. She was so broken. She wants to sleep alone in her room and cry. She wants nothing to do with society anymore. She would kill to have him back, but she knows that that won’t happen. He was the most important person in her life. She knew that it would end eventually, but she never wanted it.
Every day she has a new breaking point and it’s even lower than she thought. No one can get to her. She breaks nightly. She feels the pain every second of every day. She can’t feel anything. Only pain. She cries all day every day. She doesn’t want anyone to hear her to which they don’t, but it’s amazing that they don’t hear. Though how can they hear what they hate. She remembers every night the pain and cruel reality she lives in. She cries and cries. She screams and cuts. She punches the walls and bleeds. She tries to die, but this bloody hell won’t let her go. All the pills she’s tried. All the ropes and chains she’s bought. All the bleeding she did. All the water she wasted. Nothing will work! She wants to try a gun, but she can’t pick it up. She can’t bring herself to. ‘Why? Why? Why?’ That’s all she ever wonders.
She hates life. She’ll smile, but she knows there’s no point when she’s no longer happy. She sees no benefit when she only feels pain. When no one can see the honest way she feels. She can’t. She honestly can’t anymore. She hates life. She wants to die. She wants to hug him and kiss him and hopes he’ll ask what’s wrong and as she tells him, he’ll tell her it was all just a dream. She can’t see without him. She needs to die. That’s all she’ll ever tell herself. She can’t see life anymore. She looks at him and hopes he’ll be looking back with the same longing expression he used to have. Now his gaze is anywhere but her. She sits at home and cries harder and harder. She knows she doesn’t need him, but she wants him. He’s all she has ever wanted. Now he’s gone because of another girl. Someone who doesn’t shock her, but it still hurts. So she will sit her and want to die until he comes back or she moves on. Though she doubts she will. No one will want anything to do with her anymore once they see it. Not once they see what she has done to herself.
She is so replaceable it’s just amazing how quickly he moved on. She looks at him, then her, then the group they held so hear. Then she sees how quickly he put her in her place. Great. Another thing she wants to blow her brains out because of. She can’t believe him. She can’t. He said they could be friends. What happened to that? Huh? What happened? What did she do wrong? Did she not love him enough? Did she not show it enough? What happened? Was she really not enough for him? She tried. She tried her best. She swears she did. She loved him as much as she could. She guesses she wasn’t strong enough. When was she ever? He yelled at her when she was sad. She broke every time. He doesn't realize the pain she was in.
She spent six years of her life making her the best she could be, just to be replaced by a girl who does things for attention. A girl who claimed to love another guy to her face, but then told her, now, ex-boyfriend how much she loved him. She was lied to over and over again by him. He told her he wouldn’t leave for that girl and now where is he? He’s gone. He left her for that girl. Imagine how she feels now. She feels like a piece of s***. She hates everything. She hates basically everyone. She wants to be alone. She doesn’t want to feel. She wants to take a gun to her head and blow her brains out like she couldn’t before.
She hates everything. She wants everything gone. She hates life, and life has always hated her. She gives up because that’s just what she’s best at. She wants to curl up in a ball and die. She doesn’t want to do anything. She wants to lay down and regret life. She wants to regret not pulling that trigger. She regrets it with all of her very, small being. She hates that she let this happen to herself. She was almost pregnant with his kid. Would he still have left if she was? She honestly doubts it. She doesn’t believe in him or his “love” anymore. She doesn’t believe in anyone or anything. She thinks just saying goodbye and blowing her brains out would be the best idea. It would fix everything. Hopefully.
She can’t stand the pain anymore, but she knows that he will be killed by others if she does. Though, that would be kind of okay. Wouldn’t it? He deserves all the pain in the world. He left because he couldn’t control how he felt. He wasn’t strong enough to stop seeing or talking to someone he knew hurt her. She was stupid. She tried so hard only for him to leave. She feels so broken. She regrets six years of her life she spent trying to perfect something she thought would finally be perfect. Just for everything to crumble right before her very eyes. She feels so broken.

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