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Breathing The Sweet Sorrow

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“Sarah! Sarah… You need to tell me what happened!” My mom cried.
Yet the words never fell out, I started weeping… because I was so disappointed in myself. The life I imagined I would live was never going to be executed. My mother hugged me, and my tears slowly started drying. I took a deep breath. Well… it all started when saw him.
He smiled. A smile so different than anything I had seen before, as if his smile was inviting me to come converse with him. I quietly walked over to him. His arms so big and inviting. He whispered, “Hey, I’m Nathan.”
Nathan was inviting, a husky man, dark brown eyes that always looked so serious, yet friendly, and broad shoulders. He was six feet six inches, small feet, and dusty brown hair. He acted like he owned the world with shaggy brown hair, and a crooked smile. Small feet, wide eyes. Beautiful green eyes almost an ivy, the brightest white teeth, yet almost perfect. His face was soft, and simplistic.
Yet, there was something so handsome about Nathan. We never discussed why, or even how. Nathan’s family seemed to be distant, but loving . We lived in Fort Wayne's, Florida. Where we lived nobody really had a nice home, Fortunes is a farming city. Not much happens, it is quiet and peaceful. Yet Fortunes had secrets, because it was just so old.

Our relationship grew over the time span of a year, Nathan was my best friend. But our relationship only was over imessage. I was too shy to ever go out of my bubble. After nine months of talking I agreed to meeting him. Just one time.
I remember knocking on his door for the first time in years, his house is on west street. I was breathing so heavy. My hands shaking. I looked down at my black jeans and white Air Max 90’s. I slowly approached the door, placed my hand into a fist. Beginning a knocking on the big black door. Three loud knocks, I stumble backward to wait for the response of the door flying open. 30 seconds later the door swings open, Nathan with a huge smile on his face. From then, I thought I was safe.
“Well if it isn’t Sarah” he screams, arms reaching out for a huge bear huge. Nathan’s arms wrap around me and I can barely breath. A tight squeeze and I feel as if I will explode. But he releases. Thank the Lord.
“Come in! Come in” He tells me, while forcing me inside. His big hands guiding me to a big white couch, the both of us plopped down. We talked for a while about our lives, small talk really. Nothing to exciting.
“Well, I want to show you something.” he cackles while lifting up his tight unfitted shirt; showing me a spider web. The spider web symbolizes gangs or prison, yet something about Nathan told me not to ask about it. I faked a quick smile to hide the fact I knew the history of this tattoo, I was positive he did too. I knew I wasn’t as safe but he convicted me to stay.
The home phone began to buzz, Nathan stomped over and picked it up. “UH?” He said.
I few seconds whizzed by before he started cussing out whoever was on the other side.
“WHAT THE F***?! I TOLD YOU, I WILL GET THE MONEY AS SOON AS THE DEAL COMES THROUGH… GO TO HELL.” Nathan screamed so violently, a side I had not seen personally until now. His breath could be heard across the room. Heavy, deep. He ran back over and began firing questions at me as if nothing happened. To me, this was weird for Nathan, Because Nathan was the sweetest guy ever.
“Hey, I want to keep hanging out but I have to run an errand Do you mind?” Nathan quickly said. While grabbing my hand and pulling me up.
“Well, I really think I shouldn’t” I began to arrange.
“No, No, No. You have to come. Come on. Please. I’ll just be so sad if you don’t… I will just stop talking to you. I will be really mad if you don’t come. You don’t want to see me angry.” he argued back.
“Fine.” I whispered.

We hopped into his 1995 chrysler cirrus lxi, he told me he would be taking me to his buddies house. Nathan told me, “We are going to my friends house, his name is ‘Clugger’, he is our plug really. He hooks us up with all the goods. Even the ladies, I mean if you’re into that.” He looks at me in this sick way, that was a loving look. He loved me, ever since we first met, I knew this of course. Nathan began loving the wrong things, got into the wrong things, then lied about it a few weeks ago. I thought of this as he drove down the street.

We pulled up to a white house with huge columns, maybe the biggest house I have ever seen before. A huge house by Fortunes standards, the street address was 9324 Yearware Road, one of the nicest places in town. The house looked as if it was 20-25 years old, the house itself was pretty nice if it was taken care of, yet it was disgusting without the up keeping. We slowly got out of the car and cruised up to the full mailbox. We ended up in the house, our conversation was jumpy, of course I, not remembering anything we had talked about in the past.
Nathan knocked twice and then flung open the door. The heavy trap music was blasting on the highest volume and we could even hear it outside. The thick disgusting sweet smell of marijuana wafted through my nose making the hair on the back of my neck stick up. I thought about how  I wanted to go home, but I couldn’t understand why I was there. He walked me into a big square room with four brown couches, all of which touched in a straight line. Looking towards a huge flat screen TV. Nathan jumps over the couch and into one of the couches. He patted the seat next to him, so I followed around the couch and sat where his hands used to be.
I looked around the unfamiliar room, and my eyes make contact with the other people in the room, I realize one of them is crowded with people. A total of six people staring at me, hands full of weapons and drugs. Nathan introduced me as he “b****”, and my smile turned into a frown.  I was completely and utterly disgusted that he referred to me as his b****. Fighting every fiber in my body to not pull out my Smith and Wesson M&P Shield 9mm Semiautomatic Pistol that I always carried around since my father was murdered. I fake a smile and say, “Yup, that’s me…”.
The stoner's clapped their hands and laughed. Nathan leaned over to me, really uncomfortably close and whispered, “Hey… Follow me.” Nathan took my hand and guided me through the house, and we stomped upstairs. I could imagine he was trying to pursue me, but the chances of that happening were really f***ing slim. I would rather cut all my limbs off and consume them than have sex with him.
Just as I guessed, he lead me up to a huge bedroom, he flung open the door and turned on the lights. At first glance, it was the most disgusting room in the house. Not only clothes laid on the floor, but old moldy food was everywhere. If he expected me to take off any of my clothing in this room, he was completely wrong. No chance in hell. I snapped out of my thoughts as he started leaning in to kiss me. Before I could stop it, Nathan began forcefully abusing me. Nathan turned into someone I didn’t think he could be… Nathan was a monster.

Nathan was manipulating me by making he think he loved me. This happened until a few weeks ago. He never actually found my Pistol, thank the Lord. But one night the terror that Nathan put onto me made me do something I usually didn’t do. But I pulled out my pistol as he was aggressively smashing his face into mine. I stuck the gun to his leg and pulled the trigger. I wanted to kill him but if I really wanted to I could just let him bleed out.
He stopped, and began crying. Tears ran down his face, He gasped for breath and screamed, “YOU MOTHER******!! HELP ME!”
“No.” I said
“WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SHOOT ME YOU B****!” He yelled.
“You hurt me for such a long time, you deserve to suffer.” I cried out.
He quickly reached down to his leg. He’s tears fell on his bloody leg, there in that moment I realized. He was nothing but a lowlife scum, yet he ruined all of my happiness and for what? Him getting lucky? My anger wasn’t satisfied with him breathing. His heart beat made me so intensively sick that every individual hair on my neck stood up and my spine stiffened. I couldn’t live with the chances of him raping me ever again. I took the gun and aimed it for his right temple. I closed my eyes tightly as I pulled the trigger one more time.
*BANG!*, the bullet shot through his head and out the other side, Nathan slowly dropped his head and as if it was slow motion. He began to lay back. I, Sarah, had killed a monster. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing. Yet, the thing is, I could never let anyone become a victim because of Nathan Began. Never again will he take away another girl's happiness.

The story had flashed before my eyes, since the PTSD gave me vivid flashbacks, to a time I wish I could forget. “Nathan was a monster to me Mom. Nathan is a monster. His soul was full of anger and hatred. He filled me with anger and hatred too. Mom, you have to understand. I did it for my own safety, PLUS everyone else’s.” I whispered.
“Honey, it will be alright. He is gone now.” she said with a slight tear in her left eye. She hugged me close into my eyes started getting heavy and I started to drift.




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