I Hate Myself For What I Did

March 21, 2017
By , Jackson, NJ

Sitting in the hospital with my brother was terrible, but what was even worse was sitting in the hospital with my brother listening to the doctor tell you both that his condition is hitting rock bottom. My brother was getting some headaches for the past few months, not really thinking much of them mostly blaming them on stress or lack of sleep or whatever. But after about three months of this going on he went to the doctor, and it turns out that Jay has a tumor on his brain. It’s non cancerous, but it might as well be. The tumor is growing and expanding against his skull, which basically means it needs to be removed or he’ll die from over-expansion. It’s not what we wanted to hear, but thankfully the doctor informed us that they can perform surgery to remove the tumor and reverse it’s effects. I of course said yes, that we had enough money to pay for the surgery, and to go ahead with it. I was ultimately the deciding factor in the situation because my brother has been out of commission for a little bit, so I have been in control of our financial situation, since my brother and I are on our own and support ourselves now. The decision was made, and the surgery was set for tomorrow afternoon. There was no point in me staying since Jay was put cold and would be until after the surgery tomorrow, so I went home.
    So I sat on my bed, thinking. One thing I didn’t mention to anyone is that we really didn’t have enough money to pay for the surgery. Since Jay waited so long to get his head checked out, his condition was really bad and was going to cost a lot to get everything fixed. He does have some insurance but they said they will only cover about half of it, then if you take whatever money we have saved up that’s about three-fourths of the cost taken care of. So I somehow had to get about $12,000 or the rest of the payment into our account before the payment was due the day after the surgery.
I ran options through my head of how to get the money but they would all take too long. Sell our cars won’t work because the money wouldn’t be accessible in time. Asking friends wouldn’t do s*** because nobody has that kind of money, and even if they did they wouldn’t willingly give it up like that. All the options came down to not enough time. I sat for a little bit longer, thinking, praying really at this point I would be able to think of something that could get me the money in time. Just after I started to think about asking some friends for help, it hit me. My plan hit me. One of my friends Taylor, he sells, he has money. He would never just give it to me though, he likes me, he has a thing for me, but not a big enough thing to give me $12,000, so I’ll just have to take it from him. I’ll pay him back later or something but I needed the money now.
I got up and grabbed my keys and drove to Taylor’s house. When I pulled in his driveway I still didn’t have a plan, but it was fine, I didn’t have time for a plan anyway. I decided to leave it up to my gut and got out of my car and knocked on his door. When he looked confused when he answered the door and I knew that if I just stood there and came up with excuses he would know something was up. He’s not dumb. So I went with my gut and kissed him, which to my advantage worked. I told you he had always had a thing for me so he was taking full advantage of this random opportunity I had just given him, he was distracted and off guard. So I spun him around and backed him up a little bit, then pushed him and outside. He looked at me and knew I was doing something but before he could do anything I closed his door and locked it. I had some time, his phone was sitting on the table next to the door, which also held a bowl containing his keys.
I had to think quick. I knew from past conversation that Taylor keeps all his money hidden around in his house. Which was stupid and Taylor’s an idiot, but it was great for me. I checked all over in the obvious spots, you know under his bed, drawers, in a box in his closet, but I was still empty handed. By this point Taylor was furious outside threatening to call the police if I didn’t let him in, but I had told him that I will tell the police about his little drug ring thing while I was getting arrested, and he just kept banging but the threatening stopped. I couldn’t for the life of me think of where he would hide his cash. He’s an idiot so it was probably somewhere super obvious and stupid. Thank god I thought that because that’s when I decided to check the most visited place in his house, the kitchen, inside something super obvious and easily accessible and  moveable, that damn vodka bottle that he always kept on his counter that he painted black. He told me that he painted it for the sake of his house’s aesthetic but that’s where he kept his money. I took the bottle and broke it on the corner of the counter. In the bottom of the bottle was a massive roll of cash. I grabbed it and ran outside to my car and drove away before Taylor could do or say anything.
Afterwards I went to the bank and deposited $12,000 into our account. Not a penny more because Taylor didn’t deserve that, he didn’t deserve any of this, but I had to do it. I needed the money because Jay needed the surgery.
A few days later Jay’s surgery was over and successful, and I went to Taylor’s house with the remaining cash. Just like the last time I was at his house, I was unannounced and he was confused when he answered the door. I handed him the rest of his cash, explained the situation, and promised to pay him back. He yelled at me out of anger, which was completely understandable, but to my surprise he told me it was ok and he understood why I did what I did. He said he would forgive me as long as I paid him back, which I ever understood why. I didn’t deserve his forgiveness, but I guess some people are just good. Unlike me, I’m not a good person, I don’t deserve forgiveness, I hate myself for what I did. But I had to do what had to be done. 






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